What Makes a Marriage Last

1. Love and laughter are the foundations of a lasting marriage

"I love hearing someone laughing like that in a restaurant—like they're losing their mind. There's a certain sound to laughter that you can't control."

Laughter as a bonding tool. Many couples in the book emphasize the importance of humor in their relationships. Melissa McCarthy and Ben Falcone, for instance, believe that laughter adds years to their lives. They even quantify their laughs, assigning "months" of extended life to particularly good ones.

Shared joy strengthens connections. Couples like Alan and Arlene Alda, and Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka, highlight how their ability to make each other laugh has been crucial in maintaining their bond over the years. This shared joy not only helps them navigate difficult times but also keeps their relationship fresh and exciting.

Benefits of laughter in relationships:

• Reduces stress and tension
• Creates shared positive experiences
• Helps couples navigate difficult conversations
• Strengthens emotional connection

2. Successful couples prioritize communication and mutual respect

"Communication is everything. Getting your feelings out. Getting rid of your resentments."

Open and honest dialogue. Many couples in the book, including Elton John and David Furnish, emphasize the importance of clear, respectful communication. They stress that being able to express feelings, concerns, and desires openly helps prevent misunderstandings and resentment from building up.

Active listening and empathy. Couples like Gloria and Emilio Estefan highlight the importance of not just hearing but truly listening to their partner. This involves trying to understand the other person's perspective, even when it differs from their own. Many couples also mention the value of seeking professional help, such as couples therapy, to improve their communication skills.

Key communication strategies:

• Regular check-ins about the relationship
• Using "I" statements to express feelings
• Avoiding blame and criticism
• Practicing active listening
• Seeking professional help when needed

3. Shared values and goals strengthen marital bonds

"If you do not have that much in common, you should never marry. You marry shared commonality."

Common ground as foundation. Jesse and Jacqueline Jackson's story illustrates how shared values, particularly their commitment to civil rights and social justice, formed the bedrock of their relationship. Many other couples in the book, like Rob and Michele Reiner, emphasize the importance of aligning on fundamental beliefs and life goals.

Growing together. While having shared values is crucial, many couples also stress the importance of supporting each other's individual growth. The Jacksons, for instance, supported each other's activism and career pursuits, which ultimately strengthened their bond.

Areas where shared values are crucial:

• Political and social views
• Religious or spiritual beliefs
• Financial attitudes and goals
• Parenting philosophies
• Long-term life aspirations

4. Compromise and accommodation are essential in relationships

"Don't marry someone thinking you're going to change them. Don't try to teach a pig to sing. It doesn't work, and it just annoys the pig."

Accepting differences. Judges Judy and Jerry Sheindlin's story highlights the importance of accepting your partner as they are, rather than trying to change them. Many couples in the book emphasize that successful marriages require a willingness to adapt and make compromises.

Finding middle ground. Couples like Sting and Trudie Styler discuss how they've learned to balance their different personalities and needs over the years. This often involves finding creative solutions that work for both partners, rather than one person always giving in to the other.

Strategies for effective compromise:

• Focus on underlying needs, not surface wants
• Look for win-win solutions
• Be willing to take turns prioritizing each other's needs
• Recognize that some differences may never be fully resolved

5. Trust and fidelity form the bedrock of a strong marriage

"I'm not jealous about him. No, no."

Building and maintaining trust. Many couples, including George Stephanopoulos and Ali Wentworth, emphasize the critical role of trust in their relationships. They discuss how open communication, transparency, and consistently reliable behavior help build and maintain this trust over time.

Navigating challenges to fidelity. The book doesn't shy away from discussing infidelity, as seen in the Jacksons' story. While infidelity can be devastating, some couples, like the Jacksons, have found ways to work through it and rebuild their relationship. This often involves deep soul-searching, forgiveness, and a recommitment to the relationship.

Elements of trust in a relationship:

• Honesty and transparency
• Consistent reliability
• Respect for boundaries
• Emotional and physical fidelity
• Forgiveness when trust is broken

6. Couples grow together by supporting each other's dreams

"I think whatever life force I drain from myself with my constant anxiety and worry, she gives years back to me by laughing."

Mutual support and encouragement. Many couples in the book, like Bryan Cranston and Robin Dearden, discuss how supporting each other's career aspirations and personal growth has strengthened their relationship. This often involves making sacrifices and adjustments to accommodate each other's goals.

Balancing individual and shared dreams. Couples like Gloria and Emilio Estefan demonstrate how partners can work together to achieve both individual and shared goals. Their story shows how a couple can build a successful business partnership alongside their personal relationship.

Ways to support your partner's dreams:

• Offer emotional encouragement
• Provide practical help (e.g., childcare, financial support)
• Be willing to make sacrifices when necessary
• Celebrate each other's successes
• Help brainstorm solutions to obstacles

7. Navigating challenges together strengthens marriages

"These things either tear you apart or you become very, very close."

Facing adversity as a team. Many couples in the book, such as Michael J. Fox and Tracy Pollan, have faced significant challenges together, including health crises and career setbacks. Their stories illustrate how working through difficulties as a team can actually strengthen a relationship.

Growth through hardship. Couples like Sully and Lorrie Sullenberger demonstrate how facing a major crisis together can lead to personal growth and a deeper appreciation for each other. Many couples emphasize that it's not the absence of problems that defines a strong marriage, but how couples face those problems together.

Strategies for navigating challenges:

• Maintain open communication during difficult times
• Focus on the problem, not each other
• Seek professional help when needed
• Remember past successes in overcoming obstacles
• Use challenges as opportunities for growth

8. Balancing individuality and partnership is key to marital harmony

"I always feel great excitement when Sting has been away and I know he's coming home today. I'll pretty myself up for his return."

Maintaining individual identities. Many couples, including Sting and Trudie Styler, emphasize the importance of maintaining their individual identities within the marriage. This often involves pursuing separate interests and having time apart, which can actually strengthen the relationship when they come back together.

Creating a strong partnership. At the same time, successful couples find ways to build a strong sense of "we" in their relationship. This involves creating shared experiences, traditions, and goals that bind them together as a couple.

Ways to balance individuality and partnership:

• Encourage each other's personal interests and friendships
• Create couple rituals and traditions
• Respect each other's need for alone time
• Make decisions as a team on important issues
• Celebrate both individual and shared accomplishments

9. Forgiveness and understanding help overcome marital hurdles

"If you love somebody, you deal with whatever it is they're dealing with. Their issues become your issues."

The power of forgiveness. Several couples in the book, including Jesse and Jacqueline Jackson, discuss how forgiveness has played a crucial role in their marriages. They emphasize that forgiveness is not about condoning hurtful behavior, but about choosing to move forward together.

Empathy and understanding. Many couples stress the importance of trying to understand their partner's perspective, even in difficult situations. This empathy often helps couples navigate conflicts and misunderstandings more effectively.

Steps to practice forgiveness:

• Acknowledge the hurt
• Express feelings openly
• Listen to your partner's perspective
• Decide to let go of resentment
• Work together to rebuild trust
• Seek professional help if needed

10. A strong marriage requires ongoing effort and commitment

"Marriage is like a vacuum cleaner: you stick it to your ear and it sucks out all your energy and ambition."

Continuous work and dedication. Nearly all couples in the book emphasize that a successful marriage requires ongoing effort and commitment. They stress that the "happily ever after" of fairy tales is a myth, and real marriages require consistent work to thrive.

Adapting to change. Successful couples demonstrate an ability to adapt to changing circumstances, whether it's career shifts, health challenges, or evolving personal needs. They emphasize the importance of regularly checking in with each other and being willing to make adjustments as needed.

Ways to maintain a strong marriage:

• Regular date nights or quality time together
• Yearly relationship "check-ups"
• Continual learning about relationships and communication
• Seeking help when facing persistent issues
• Renewing commitment through rituals or vow renewals
• Practicing gratitude and appreciation for your partner

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Last updated: November 19, 2024