And Baby Makes Three

What is "And Baby Makes Three" by John M. Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman about?

• Focus on transition to parenthood: The book addresses the challenges couples face in maintaining marital intimacy and romance after the arrival of their first baby.
• Research-based guidance: It draws on decades of research and clinical experience to offer practical advice for preserving and strengthening relationships during this major life change.
• Six-step plan: The authors present a six-step plan to help couples navigate common pitfalls, manage conflict, and build a loving family environment.
• Emphasis on family well-being: The book highlights how a strong parental relationship positively impacts both partners and their child’s emotional and intellectual development.

Why should I read "And Baby Makes Three" by John M. Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman?

• Evidence-based insights: The book is grounded in extensive research, including longitudinal studies of couples before and after having children.
• Practical tools and exercises: It offers actionable strategies, self-tests, and exercises that couples can use to improve communication, manage conflict, and deepen intimacy.
• Addresses common struggles: The authors normalize the difficulties most couples experience after a baby arrives, reducing feelings of isolation or failure.
• Focus on the whole family: The advice benefits not just the couple, but also the child, by fostering a nurturing and emotionally healthy home environment.

What are the key takeaways from "And Baby Makes Three" by John M. Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman?

• Relationship satisfaction often drops: Two-thirds of couples experience a significant decline in relationship quality after their first child is born, but this is preventable.
• Skills can be learned: Couples who master specific skills—like gentle communication, accepting influence, and effective repair—maintain higher relationship satisfaction.
• Strong parental bond benefits children: A loving, connected partnership between parents is the greatest gift for a child’s emotional and intellectual development.
• Six-step recipe: The book’s core advice is encapsulated in a six-step plan: realize you’re not alone, delight in your baby, cool down conflicts, savor friendship and sex, add warm fathering, and create a meaningful family legacy.

What is the six-step plan for preserving marital intimacy in "And Baby Makes Three" by John M. Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman?

• Realize we’re all in the same soup: Understand that most couples face similar challenges after a baby arrives, reducing blame and isolation.
• Delight in your baby: Engage with your child in ways that foster secure attachment and mutual joy, while also supporting each other as parents.
• Cool down your conflicts: Learn to manage disagreements constructively, using softened start-ups, accepting influence, and self-soothing techniques.
• Savor each other: Prioritize friendship, appreciation, and a satisfying sex life, even amidst the demands of new parenthood.
• Add warm fathering: Encourage active, affectionate involvement from fathers, which benefits both the child and the couple’s relationship.
• Create an enriching legacy: Build shared rituals, values, and goals that give your family life meaning and cohesion.

How does "And Baby Makes Three" by John M. Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman suggest couples manage conflict after having a baby?

• Soften how you bring up problems: Use gentle start-ups instead of criticism or contempt to prevent escalation.
• Accept influence: Recognize that both partners’ perspectives are valid and strive to understand each other before persuading.
• Take breaks and self-soothe: When arguments become overwhelming, pause to calm down physiologically before continuing the discussion.
• Compromise and repair: Identify core needs, be flexible where possible, and make repairs when communication goes off track.
• Process and understand fights: After conflicts, discuss what happened, acknowledge each person’s role, and learn from the experience to prevent future issues.

What are the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" in "And Baby Makes Three" by John M. Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, and how can couples counteract them?

• Criticism: Attacking a partner’s character; countered by making specific complaints about situations rather than personal attacks.
• Defensiveness: Responding to perceived attacks with excuses or counterattacks; countered by taking responsibility for one’s part in the problem.
• Contempt: Expressing superiority or disdain; countered by building a culture of appreciation and respect.
• Stonewalling: Withdrawing or shutting down during conflict; countered by taking breaks to self-soothe and returning to the conversation when calm.

How does "And Baby Makes Three" by John M. Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman address changes in intimacy and sex after a baby arrives?

• Normalizes decreased desire: The book explains that it’s common for sexual desire, especially for women, to drop after childbirth and during breastfeeding.
• Emphasizes nonsexual affection: Maintaining physical closeness and affectionate touch is crucial, even when sex is less frequent.
• Encourages open communication: Couples are urged to talk honestly about their needs, desires, and frustrations regarding sex.
• Suggests practical strategies: The authors recommend prioritizing time for intimacy, accepting quickies, and being open to alternative forms of sexual fulfillment, like mutual masturbation or sharing fantasies.

What role does "warm fathering" play in "And Baby Makes Three" by John M. Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman?

• Fathers are essential: The book dispels cultural myths that fathers are unnecessary or less competent, highlighting research on the unique and vital contributions dads make.
• Benefits for children: Warm, involved fathering is linked to better emotional, social, and intellectual outcomes for children.
• Strengthens the couple: When fathers are engaged, mothers are happier, and the couple’s relationship is more resilient.
• Practical involvement: The book provides a long list of ways dads can participate in both childcare and household tasks, encouraging active partnership.

How does "And Baby Makes Three" by John M. Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman recommend couples build a meaningful family legacy?

• Shift from "me" to "we": Couples are encouraged to see themselves as a team, making joint decisions and supporting each other’s growth.
• Create shared rituals: Establishing family traditions, routines, and celebrations helps build a sense of belonging and continuity.
• Honor ancestry and values: The book suggests reflecting on family histories, values, and cultural backgrounds to intentionally shape the family’s identity.
• Set shared goals: Discussing and aligning on life goals, roles, and values gives the family a sense of purpose and direction.

What are some of the practical exercises and tools provided in "And Baby Makes Three" by John M. Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman?

• Self-tests: The book includes numerous self-assessment tools on topics like conflict style, intimacy, compromise, and shared values.
• Communication exercises: Couples are guided through activities to practice softened start-ups, open-ended questions, and the Rapoport method for understanding each other’s perspectives.
• Conflict processing: Step-by-step guides help couples debrief after arguments, identify triggers, and deepen understanding of each other’s vulnerabilities.
• Ritual and legacy planning: Worksheets and prompts assist couples in creating family rituals, holiday traditions, and a shared vision for their family’s future.

What are the most important research findings shared in "And Baby Makes Three" by John M. Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman?

• Relationship decline is common but preventable: Two-thirds of couples experience a drop in relationship satisfaction after a baby, but those who learn key skills can avoid this.
• Parental relationship affects child development: Babies of contented, connected parents develop better emotionally and intellectually than those of distressed parents.
• Constructive conflict is crucial: How couples handle disagreements—especially using gentle communication and repair—predicts long-term relationship and family health.
• Workshops and interventions work: Couples who participated in the authors’ "Bringing Baby Home" workshop had better outcomes in relationship quality, lower rates of postpartum depression, and more positive child development.

What are some of the best quotes from "And Baby Makes Three" by John M. Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, and what do they mean?

• "The greatest gift you can give your baby is a happy and strong relationship between the two of you."
  • Emphasizes that the parental bond is foundational for a child’s well-being.
• "We couples are all in the same soup when a new baby arrives."
  • Normalizes the universal challenges and stresses of new parenthood, reducing shame and isolation.
• "Every positive thing you do in a relationship is actually a form of foreplay."
  • Highlights the connection between daily acts of kindness and a satisfying sex life.
• "Choosing a partner is choosing a set of problems."
  • Reminds readers that every relationship has perpetual issues, and the goal is to manage them constructively, not eliminate them.
• "Turning toward leads to more turning toward."
  • Stresses the importance of responding positively to each other’s bids for attention, which builds friendship and intimacy over time.