重点摘要
1. 正念:平静和深思熟虑育儿的基础
“想要实现个人成长?与学龄前儿童相处六个月比独自待在山顶多年更有效。”
正念是必不可少的。 它帮助父母保持冷静,并以深思熟虑的方式回应孩子,而不是冲动反应。定期的正念冥想练习可以显著改变我们大脑的反应方式,缩小杏仁核(大脑的战斗或逃跑中心)并增厚前额叶皮层(与意识、集中和决策相关)。
每天练习正念冥想:
- 找一个安静的时间和地点
- 舒适地坐下,闭上或半闭眼睛
- 专注于你的呼吸,注意每次吸气和呼气
- 当你的思绪游离时,轻轻地将其带回呼吸
- 每周4-6天,每次开始5-10分钟
将正念融入日常活动,如进食或散步。这有助于你与孩子保持当下的联系,关注他们的需求,并更好地应对育儿挑战。
2. 通过了解触发点打破反应循环
“愤怒常被称为次要或‘冰山’情绪,因为在其下往往隐藏着一系列驱动它的其他情感:恐惧、悲伤、尴尬、拒绝、批评、压力、疲劳、烦躁等。”
了解你的触发点。 反应性通常源于未解决的童年问题或根深蒂固的信念。通过识别这些触发点,你可以更深思熟虑地回应孩子。
管理触发点的步骤:
- 记录你大喊或想大喊的时间
- 识别你反应中的模式和趋势
- 练习深呼吸或抖动紧张等平静技巧
- 制定个性化计划,更巧妙地应对触发点
记住,通过定期锻炼、充足睡眠和社会支持来减少整体压力,对于管理反应性至关重要。
3. 自我同情:个人成长和更好育儿的关键
“对自己感到同情绝不意味着我们对自己的行为不负责任。相反,它让我们摆脱了阻碍我们以清晰和平衡回应生活的自我憎恨。”
培养自我同情。 严厉的自我批评会使我们瘫痪,阻碍我们有效育儿。相反,以对待好朋友的同样善意对待自己。
自我同情的组成部分:
- 自我善待:给予自己理解而非严厉的评判
- 共同人性:认识到所有父母都会犯错
- 正念:观察你的思想和感受,而不过度认同它们
定期练习慈爱冥想,增强你的自我同情能力。这不仅对你有益,还为孩子树立了健康情绪调节的榜样。
4. 接纳和处理困难情绪
“走出我们困难情绪的唯一方法是穿越它们。”
感受以治愈。 接受和处理困难情绪,而不是压抑它们,能带来情感自由和更好的育儿。
处理情绪的RAIN技巧:
- 识别:标记你正在经历的情绪
- 接受:让这种感觉存在,而不试图改变它
- 探究:好奇地探索你身体中的感觉
- 抚慰:给予自己同情和安慰
教孩子接受他们的情绪,帮助他们发展情绪智力。验证他们的感受,并提供一个安全的表达空间,同时对行为设定适当的界限。
5. 反思性倾听:与孩子建立更深联系的途径
“当我们这样倾听时,孩子会感到被看见和被听见。”
专心倾听。 反思性倾听帮助孩子感到被理解和被接受,促进更强的亲子关系。
反思性倾听的步骤:
- 全神贯注,转向你的孩子
- 倾听事实和潜在的情感
- 反映你对他们的理解
- 表达同理心
避免常见的陷阱,如重复、夸大情感或过度使用同一句话。在各种情况下练习反思性倾听,以提高你的技能并加强与你孩子的关系。
6. 使用“我信息”和有趣的方法进行有效沟通
“先连接,再纠正。”
使用“我信息”。 这种沟通技巧帮助表达你的需求,而不让孩子感到防御。
“我信息”的结构:
- 描述行为而不做评判
- 解释对你的实际影响
- 分享你的真实感受
示例:“当玩具留在地板上时(行为),我感到沮丧(感受),因为我可能会绊倒并受伤(影响)。”
在设定限制时融入趣味性:
- 使用角色或滑稽的声音
- 唱指令或编造有趣的歌曲
- 讲述简短、相关的故事
- 假装无能以引发笑声和合作
这些方法在引导行为的同时保持联系,使育儿变得更容易。
7. 双赢问题解决:在维护关系的同时解决冲突
“与其教孩子如何在考虑周围人的需求时考虑自己的需求……我们强迫孩子做我们想要的事情,因为这看起来更有效,或者因为我们缺乏以不同方式做事的精力或技能。”
追求双赢解决方案。 这种方法教孩子考虑他人的需求并合作,培养同理心和解决问题的能力。
双赢问题解决的步骤:
- 识别需求,而不是解决方案
- 不加评判地头脑风暴潜在解决方案
- 评估想法以满足每个人的需求
- 决定谁做什么以及何时做
- 事后检查以确保需求得到满足
对于兄弟姐妹冲突,指导孩子表达他们的感受和需求,而不是充当法官和陪审团。这种方法有助于保持联系并教授宝贵的生活技能。
8. 通过触摸、游戏和鼓励培养联系
“我们每天需要四个拥抱来生存。我们每天需要八个拥抱来维持。我们每天需要十二个拥抱来成长。”
优先考虑联系。 强大的关系是合作和影响的基础。
培养联系的方法:
- 身体接触:经常提供拥抱、依偎,甚至是有趣的打闹
- 游戏:参与孩子主导的短时间游戏,全神贯注
- 一起工作:让孩子参与家务,培养能力和责任感
- 口头鼓励:使用具体、描述性的表扬来建立信心
实施“特别时间”——10-20分钟的全神贯注时间,由孩子主导活动。这种简单的练习可以显著改善行为并加强你们的纽带。
9. 培养孩子的独立性和责任感
“你能给孩子的*大礼物是责任的根和独立的翅膀。”
鼓励能力。 参与家务的孩子会发展出一种能力感,并更有可能在生活中取得成功。
培养独立性的策略:
- 分配适合年龄的家务
- 建立“责任优先于特权”的文化
- 创建一致的日常节奏和惯例
- 设定并保持健康的界限
- 允许错过责任的自然后果
记住,目标是培养有能力、有责任感的成年人。通过逐步增加责任并培养独立性,你为孩子的未来成功做好准备。
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FAQ
What's "Raising Good Humans" about?
- Mindful Parenting Approach: "Raising Good Humans" by Hunter Clarke-Fields offers a fresh perspective on mindful parenting, focusing on breaking the cycle of reactive parenting to foster kind and confident children.
- Personal Experience: The author draws from her own struggles with parenthood to outline key skills necessary for creating loving and cooperative family relationships.
- Practical Guidance: The book is filled with insights, strategies, and exercises aimed at helping parents become more mindful and less reactive.
Why should I read "Raising Good Humans"?
- Transformative Potential: The book promises to transform your parenting approach by encouraging mindfulness and self-awareness, which can lead to more harmonious family dynamics.
- Expert Endorsements: It comes highly recommended by experts like Tara Brach and Katherine Reynolds Lewis, who praise its compassionate and practical approach.
- Personal Growth: The book emphasizes that parenting is a journey of personal growth, offering tools to help parents become the individuals they aspire to be.
What are the key takeaways of "Raising Good Humans"?
- Mindfulness and Meditation: The book highlights the importance of mindfulness and meditation in reducing reactivity and improving parent-child relationships.
- Self-Compassion: It stresses the need for self-compassion, encouraging parents to be kind to themselves to better handle parenting challenges.
- Effective Communication: The book provides strategies for skillful communication, helping parents express their needs without causing resistance in their children.
How does "Raising Good Humans" suggest breaking the cycle of reactive parenting?
- Mindfulness Practices: The book recommends mindfulness meditation as a tool to calm reactivity and improve emotional regulation.
- Understanding Triggers: It encourages parents to identify and understand their triggers to respond more thoughtfully to their children's behavior.
- Compassionate Communication: The book advises using I-messages and reflective listening to communicate effectively and reduce conflict.
What are the best quotes from "Raising Good Humans" and what do they mean?
- "Want some major personal growth? Six months with a preschooler can be more effective than years alone on a mountaintop." This quote highlights the intense personal growth that parenting can catalyze.
- "Mindful Parents reject the culture of 'not good enough,' knowing that when we free ourselves from unnecessary stress and limiting stories, our authentic, peaceful nature shines through." It emphasizes the importance of self-acceptance and letting go of societal pressures.
- "When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there?" This quote underscores the value of being fully present with your children.
How does "Raising Good Humans" define mindful parenting?
- Present and Evolving: Mindful parenting is about being present, evolving, calm, authentic, and free, as described in the Mindful Parenting Manifesto.
- Rejecting Perfectionism: It involves rejecting the culture of "not good enough" and embracing imperfection as a part of the parenting journey.
- Modeling Behavior: Mindful parents live what they want their kids to learn, knowing that the best parenting is in modeling.
What specific methods does "Raising Good Humans" recommend for reducing reactivity?
- Mindfulness Meditation: Regular practice of mindfulness meditation is recommended to reduce stress and improve emotional regulation.
- Breathing Techniques: The book suggests specific breathing exercises, like Three-Part Breathing and Five-Eight Breathing, to release tension.
- Physical Grounding: Techniques like mindful walking and grounding in the body are advised to help parents stay present and calm.
How does "Raising Good Humans" suggest handling difficult feelings?
- Acceptance and Acknowledgment: The book advises accepting and acknowledging difficult feelings rather than resisting them, which can reduce suffering.
- RAIN Method: It introduces the RAIN method (Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture) as a way to process emotions mindfully.
- TIPI Technique: The book also discusses the TIPI technique, which involves fully feeling the physical sensations of emotions to help them dissipate.
What communication strategies does "Raising Good Humans" recommend?
- Reflective Listening: The book emphasizes the importance of reflective listening to help children feel heard and understood.
- I-Messages: It suggests using I-messages to express needs and feelings without blaming or shaming the child.
- Playful Limits: The book encourages setting limits playfully to reduce resistance and foster cooperation.
How does "Raising Good Humans" address conflict resolution?
- Win-Win Problem Solving: The book advocates for win-win problem solving, where both the parent's and child's needs are met.
- Understanding Needs: It emphasizes identifying underlying needs rather than focusing solely on solutions.
- Collaborative Approach: The book encourages a collaborative approach to conflict resolution, fostering empathy and cooperation.
What role does self-compassion play in "Raising Good Humans"?
- Foundation for Growth: Self-compassion is seen as essential for personal growth and effective parenting, helping parents respond to challenges with clarity and balance.
- Interrupting Negative Self-Talk: The book advises interrupting negative self-talk and replacing it with kind, supportive messages.
- Modeling for Children: Practicing self-compassion models healthy emotional regulation for children, teaching them to be kind to themselves.
How does "Raising Good Humans" suggest creating a peaceful home environment?
- Simplifying Schedules: The book recommends simplifying schedules to reduce stress and allow for more unstructured playtime.
- Decluttering: It advises decluttering the home environment to create a sense of calm and focus for children.
- Screen Time Limits: The book suggests setting healthy limits on screen time to encourage real-world interactions and creativity.
评论
《培养优秀孩子》获得了褒贬不一的评价,平均评分为3.95分(满分5分)。许多读者欣赏其对正念和自我提升的关注,认为这对管理情绪和改善与孩子的关系很有帮助。一些人称赞其中的实用练习和现实案例。然而,批评者认为内容重复、过于简单或过于专注于冥想。一些读者觉得内容与其他育儿书籍相似,而另一些人则认为它具有变革性。书中强调在解决孩子行为问题之前先处理父母自身问题的观点既受到赞扬也受到批评。
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