重点摘要
1. 主导关乎权力、责任与共情
合意的施虐、支配与主导，首先是一种共情的行为。
权力动态。 BDSM中的主导并非以伤害他人为目的的权力滥用，而是在安全且协商一致的框架内，进行一种既充满情欲又具变革性的权力交换。主导者体验到权力的提升，而被主导者则在放弃控制中获得快感。
营造炉火。 负责任的主导者明白，权力越大，责任越重。他们将被主导者的福祉置于首位，确保整个场景安全、合意且愉悦。这就像搭建一个“场景之炉”，将游戏的强烈情绪控制在范围内，避免溢出到现实生活中造成伤害。
共情为本。 最出色的主导者并非最残酷或最强势者，而是最能洞察被主导者需求与欲望的人。共情使主导者能预判被主导者的反应，灵活调整技巧，创造真正变革性的体验。这种连接正是让主导如此令人满足的“情感共振”。
2. 主导者拥有权利，也肩负责任
你有权利获得清晰的沟通。
权利与期待。 主导者有权利从被主导者那里获得关于需求、愿望和界限的明确沟通。他们也有权期待伴侣在场景中及事后给予支持、关怀和建设性反馈。这些权利保障了主导体验的互惠互利。
必须承担的责任。 权利伴随着责任。主导者需明确自身需求与界限，履行承诺，确保被主导者的身心安全。这包括应对紧急状况、妥善保养器具，以及提供支持和善后照顾。
平衡为要。 最佳的BDSM关系是主导与被主导双方都清楚各自的权利与责任，携手营造既刺激又满足的互动。这种平衡让所有参与者都感到被尊重、被重视且被赋能。
3. 学习绳索：技巧与沟通为关键
你学得越多，愿意学得越多，你就会成为越优秀的主导。
持续学习。 成为熟练的主导者需要不断学习。这包括研习BDSM技巧、参加工作坊和示范、寻求资深玩家的指导。知识与技能越丰富，越能创造安全、愉快且变革性的场景。
被主导者是老师。 被主导者是学习主导技巧的宝贵资源。他们最了解内心的感受与情绪，能提供关于有效与无效方法的宝贵反馈。优秀的主导者乐于从被主导者身上学习，并据此调整技巧。
熟能生巧。 如同任何技能，主导需要反复练习。这包括自我尝试不同技巧、练习绑缚结法、排练指令与对话。练习越多，主导者的自信与能力就越强。
4. 提升游戏：开放与直觉
当你主导时，我们感受到强大。
超越技巧。 技巧固然重要，但最具变革性的BDSM场景超越技巧，触及更深层次。这要求主导者对自身及被主导者的情绪保持开放，专注当下，创造既强烈又亲密的共享体验。
直觉的作用。 直觉在BDSM中扮演重要角色。信任直觉，主导者常能预见被主导者的需求与欲望，打造量身定制的场景。但直觉需与清晰沟通和合意相平衡。
保持开放。 最佳主导者愿意在游戏中展现脆弱与真诚，分享自己的情绪、恐惧与欲望，营造一个双方都能安全探索内心深处的空间。这种开放带来深刻的连接与变革。
5. 伦理游戏：合意、界限与尊重
尊重合意是必须的。
合意至上。 合意是伦理BDSM的基石。合意必须是自由给予、知情且热情的。主导者必须确保被主导者充分了解场景风险，且能随时撤回合意，无需担心报复。
尊重界限。 尊重界限与获得合意同等重要。主导者需了解被主导者的身心界限，绝不强迫超出其舒适范围。这需要清晰沟通、细致观察及灵活调整。
尊重个体。 伦理BDSM基于相互尊重与理解。主导与被主导双方均为平等且完整的人，理应获得尊严与关怀。游戏中及事后，彼此应以善意、同情与共情相待。
6. 协商：清晰沟通不可或缺
优秀的主导懂得支持被主导者克服透露幻想时的尴尬——而尴尬不正是我们热衷玩味的那种禁忌情绪吗？
信息交换。 场景开始前，主导与被主导必须进行充分协商，分享彼此的需求、愿望、界限与幻想。目标是达成共识，确保所有参与者感到安全与舒适。
“我”信息。 有效沟通是成功协商的关键。主导者应使用“我”信息表达感受与欲望，避免指责或强求，营造双方都被倾听与尊重的合作氛围。
应对依赖。 依赖感有时会妨碍清晰沟通。主导者应以建设性方式应对，设定明确界限，鼓励直接沟通，并提供安慰与支持。
7. 场景进行时：控制、响应与支持
反应是主导者的安全信息，也是主导者的奖赏。
掌控局面。 场景中，主导者需掌控局势，设定基调并引导行动。这包括发出清晰简洁的指令，设定界限，确保场景在约定范围内进行。
响应至关重要。 主导者还需对被主导者的反应保持敏感，随时调整技巧与方法。这要求细致观察、积极倾听，并愿意适应变化。
提供支持。 整个场景中，主导者应给予被主导者支持与鼓励，形式多样，从言语赞美、安抚到身体接触与关怀，营造安全支持的环境，让被主导者勇于探索界限。
8. 出错时刻：优雅应对意外
对使用安全词的人以轻蔑或嘲笑回应是完全不道德的：S/M不是竞赛，我们不是彼此对手。
情绪失控。 即使意图良好，BDSM场景中仍可能出现情绪失控，如恐慌发作、闪回或突发愤怒。主导者需以敏感与同情心妥善处理。
身体意外。 也可能发生身体意外，如受伤或事故。主导者应准备急救并在必要时寻求医疗帮助，同时预备应对外界紧急状况，如停电或家人打扰。
余波反应。 场景结束后，主导与被主导者可能经历内疚、羞愧或自我怀疑等余波。此时提供支持与安慰至关重要，提醒彼此场景是合意、安全且愉快的。
9. 主导玩具：工具之道
眼罩是一件极具美德的玩具，我们特意留出篇幅专门讨论。
基础玩具选择。 主导者的基础玩具可能包括绳索、束缚器、眼罩、项圈、夹子、蜡烛、软鞭、拍打器、性玩具、安全性用品及应急物资。这些工具为探索多样BDSM活动奠定基础。
高级玩具。 随着经验增长，主导者可能添加更高级玩具，如无助感玩具、击打玩具、捏夹玩具、戳刺玩具、冷热玩具、电击玩具及激发快感玩具，提升场景的强度与复杂度。
玩具维护。 妥善维护玩具至关重要，保持清洁、无损坏且功能良好，确保使用安全且愉快。
10. 寻找伙伴：建立社区与联系
参加首次聚会或俱乐部活动时，别只盯着潜在玩伴，试着寻找那些看起来像你想成为的主导者的人，因为他们能助你成长。
虚拟社区。 网络是寻找志同道合BDSM爱好者的宝贵资源。在线论坛、聊天室和社交媒体群组是连接同好、学习新技巧和寻找玩伴的好途径。
现实社区。 除虚拟社区外，现实中的聚会同样重要，如参加聚餐、皮革酒吧、支持小组及其他BDSM相关活动，提供面对面交流、建立关系和向资深玩家学习的机会。
选择合适的被主导者。 并非所有被主导者都合适。选择玩伴时，应寻找负责任、善于沟通、支持且尊重他人的人。合适的被主导者能提升你的主导体验，错误的则可能带来噩梦。
11. 全职D/S：沉浸与承诺
若训练成为完美奴仆令你感到羞辱，说明你还不够坚强，无法抵御掌控权力的诱惑。
生活方式选择。 有些玩家选择全天候扮演场景角色，建立全职D/S关系。这需要对权力动态的深度承诺，并愿意将其融入日常生活的方方面面。
流动性为要。 即使是全职D/S关系，也需保持一定流动性。主导与被主导应能根据需要进出角色，坦诚沟通彼此需求与欲望。
契约与象征。 全职D/S关系常伴随契约与象征物，如项圈，用以界定权力动态并强化双方承诺。契约应经过细致协商并定期审视，确保满足双方需求。
12. 阴影游戏：探索黑暗面
我们生活在一个权力掠夺者的文化中。
深入心理。 阴影游戏涉及探索深层心理领域，如创伤、虐待与压迫。此类场景虽强烈且具挑战性，却也具变革力，帮助玩家面对恐惧、疗愈旧伤并重获力量。
文化创伤。 有些玩家选择探索文化创伤，如奴隶制、大屠杀或西班牙宗教裁判所。这些场景极具争议，但也能成为面对历史不公、促进疗愈与理解的强大途径。
情绪安全。 参与阴影游戏时，情绪安全至关重要。这需细致协商、清晰沟通，并在任一方感不适时愿意停止场景。场景中及事后提供善后照顾与支持同样重要。
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FAQ
What's "The New Topping Book" about?
- Exploration of Topping: "The New Topping Book" by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy is a comprehensive guide to the art and practice of topping in BDSM. It explores the psychological, emotional, and physical aspects of being a top.
- Cultural Changes: The book discusses the evolution of BDSM culture over the years, including the impact of the internet and the growing visibility of BDSM communities.
- Practical Advice: It provides practical advice on how to engage in BDSM safely and consensually, emphasizing the importance of communication, negotiation, and understanding personal limits.
Why should I read "The New Topping Book"?
- Comprehensive Guide: It offers a thorough exploration of the roles and responsibilities of a top, making it an essential read for anyone interested in BDSM.
- Ethical Framework: The book emphasizes ethical practices, ensuring that readers understand the importance of consent and mutual respect in BDSM play.
- Personal Growth: It encourages personal growth and self-discovery, helping readers to explore their desires and boundaries in a safe and informed manner.
What are the key takeaways of "The New Topping Book"?
- Consent is Crucial: Consent is the foundation of all BDSM activities, and the book stresses the importance of clear communication and mutual agreement.
- Continuous Learning: Topping is a skill that requires continuous learning and practice, and the book provides guidance on how to improve and refine these skills.
- Emotional and Physical Safety: The book highlights the importance of ensuring both emotional and physical safety for all participants, offering strategies to manage risks and handle emergencies.
How does "The New Topping Book" define BDSM?
- Consensual Power Exchange: BDSM is defined as a consensual power exchange where participants eroticize sensations or emotions that would be unpleasant in a non-erotic context.
- Diverse Activities: It encompasses a wide range of activities, including bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism.
- Not Pathological: The authors emphasize that BDSM is not an expression of pathology but a valid form of sexual expression and exploration.
What are the rights and responsibilities of a top according to "The New Topping Book"?
- Right to Clear Communication: Tops have the right to clear communication from their partners about needs, wants, and limits.
- Responsibility for Safety: Tops are responsible for ensuring the physical and emotional safety of their partners, including being prepared for emergencies.
- Right to Support: Tops have the right to expect support from their partners, both during and outside of scene space, and to have their own needs met.
How does "The New Topping Book" suggest learning to top?
- Join Support Groups: The book recommends joining BDSM support groups to learn from experienced players and attend demonstrations.
- Practice and Experiment: It encourages practicing on oneself or inanimate objects to understand sensations and improve technique.
- Learn from Bottoming: The authors suggest that many tops benefit from experiencing bottoming to better understand the sensations and emotions involved.
What is the role of intuition in topping according to "The New Topping Book"?
- Intuition as a Guide: Intuition is described as the ability to know something without knowing how you know it, and it can guide tops in reading their partners' states.
- Developing Intuition: The book suggests focusing on the moment and staying open to perceptions to develop intuition.
- Limits of Intuition: While intuition can be powerful, it has its limits, and tops should always prioritize safety and consent over intuitive impulses.
What are some ethical considerations in BDSM as outlined in "The New Topping Book"?
- Respecting Limits: Both tops and bottoms must respect each other's limits, and consent must be clear and specific.
- Confidentiality: Maintaining confidentiality is crucial to protect the privacy and safety of all participants.
- Non-Blaming Approach: The book advocates for a non-blaming approach to resolving conflicts, focusing on understanding and mutual support.
How does "The New Topping Book" address the concept of shadow play?
- Exploring Deep Emotions: Shadow play involves exploring deep psychological territory, such as trauma or forbidden emotions, in a controlled and consensual manner.
- Potential for Healing: The book suggests that shadow play can be healing, allowing participants to confront and transform difficult emotions.
- Careful Negotiation: It emphasizes the importance of careful negotiation and aftercare to ensure the safety and well-being of all involved.
What advice does "The New Topping Book" offer for finding others in the BDSM community?
- Join Communities: The book encourages joining BDSM communities, both online and offline, to connect with like-minded individuals.
- Attend Munches and Events: Munches and BDSM events are recommended as safe spaces to meet others and learn more about the community.
- Be Open and Honest: It advises being open and honest about one's interests and limits when seeking partners.
What are some recommended toys for tops in "The New Topping Book"?
- Basic Toys: The book suggests starting with basic toys like rope, restraints, blindfolds, and soft floggers for beginners.
- Advanced Toys: As tops gain experience, they might explore more advanced toys like canes, clamps, and electrical devices.
- Toy Maintenance: Proper maintenance and cleaning of toys are emphasized to ensure safety and hygiene.
What are the best quotes from "The New Topping Book" and what do they mean?
- "Consent is only meaningful if it can be withdrawn without risking undue criticism, judgment or rejection." This quote highlights the importance of respecting a partner's right to withdraw consent at any time without fear of negative consequences.
- "In S/M, the participants have one another’s wellbeing as their paramount goal." This emphasizes the mutual responsibility of all participants to prioritize each other's safety and well-being.
- "S/M is play, theater, communication, intimacy, sexuality." This quote encapsulates the multifaceted nature of BDSM, combining elements of performance, connection, and eroticism.
评论
《新式调味书》评价褒贬不一，评分从一星到五星不等。读者认可其不带偏见的态度、女性主义视角以及对BDSM心理的探讨。许多人认为它对初学者颇具启发意义，而有经验的实践者则觉得内容略显重复。一些评论指出其在种族和文化议题上的处理存在不足。该书因强调沟通、同意与安全而受到赞赏，但也因缺乏实用技巧而遭到批评。多位评论者提到其内容有些过时，建议将其作为入门读物，而非全面指南。
