Aggression in Play Therapy

1. Aggression in play therapy is a window into a child's inner world

Children project their inner world onto the toys and therapist, setting them up to experience their perception of what it feels like to be them.

The setup reveals trauma. When children engage in aggressive play, they are not simply acting out or misbehaving. Rather, they are communicating their perceptions, experiences, and unresolved traumas through their actions and choices in the playroom. This "setup" allows therapists to gain invaluable insights into the child's emotional landscape.

Understanding the nervous system. Aggressive play often reflects a dysregulated nervous system, specifically:

• Sympathetic activation (fight/flight response)
• Dorsal parasympathetic activation (freeze/collapse response)

By recognizing these states, therapists can better interpret the child's behavior and tailor their interventions accordingly. The goal is not to suppress aggression, but to help children integrate these intense experiences and emotions in a safe, controlled environment.

2. Therapists must regulate themselves to help children integrate intensity

You have to regulate yourself before you can help a child regulate.

Self-regulation is key. Therapists must develop their own capacity to remain present and regulated in the face of intense play. This involves:

• Mindfulness practices
• Controlled breathing techniques
• Body awareness and movement
• Naming and acknowledging one's own experiences

Modeling regulation. By demonstrating self-regulation, therapists:

• Activate the child's mirror neuron system, allowing them to learn through observation
• Create a "ventral embrace" that expands the child's window of tolerance
• Provide a safe container for the child to explore challenging emotions and sensations

Therapists should strive to maintain "one foot in and one foot out" - feeling the intensity of the play while simultaneously remaining grounded in the knowledge that it is just play.

3. Authentic expression and congruence are essential for effective therapy

When therapists are not willing to be authentic in the playroom, their incongruence registers as a potential threat in the child's brain.

Authenticity builds trust. Children are highly attuned to nonverbal cues and can sense when adults are being inauthentic. By expressing genuine reactions to the play (while maintaining professional boundaries), therapists:

• Create a sense of safety and trust
• Model emotional honesty and vulnerability
• Provide language for children to express their own experiences

Congruence promotes integration. When therapists' words, actions, and internal experiences align, it helps children:

• Feel truly seen and understood
• Integrate their own challenging emotions and experiences
• Develop a more cohesive sense of self

Authentic expression does not mean losing control or becoming overwhelmed. Rather, it involves mindfully acknowledging and regulating one's own responses while staying attuned to the child's needs.

4. Setting boundaries is for therapists, not children

Kids don't need boundaries in the playroom—therapists do!

Reframing boundary-setting. Instead of viewing boundaries as a way to control or limit children's behavior, therapists should set boundaries to:

• Maintain their own window of tolerance
• Stay present and regulated
• Continue to serve as an effective external regulator for the child

Flexible and authentic boundaries. Effective boundary-setting in play therapy:

• Acknowledges the child's needs and impulses
• Redirects energy rather than shutting it down
• Uses phrases like "Show me another way" or "I don't need to hurt to understand"
• Avoids shaming or controlling language

By setting boundaries in this way, therapists model healthy self-care and respectful communication while still allowing children to explore and express their challenging emotions and experiences.

5. Emotional flooding requires creating a neuroception of safety

Once children have emotionally flooded, there is only one task at hand: to create a neuroception of safety and help the children return into their window of tolerance.

Understanding flooding. Emotional flooding occurs when a child's nervous system becomes overwhelmed, leading to:

• Excessive sympathetic activation (fight/flight)
• Dorsal parasympathetic activation (freeze/collapse)

In these states, rational thinking and self-regulation become extremely difficult.

Creating safety. To help a flooded child, therapists must:

• Remain calm and regulated themselves
• Use non-verbal cues to convey safety (e.g., slow breathing, open posture)
• Avoid lecturing or trying to reason with the child
• Provide a containing presence without forcing interaction

Techniques for creating safety:

• Rhythmic, predictable movements or sounds
• Offering physical comfort (if appropriate and welcomed)
• Using a soft, soothing voice
• Providing sensory grounding objects or experiences

Remember that flooding is a normal part of the therapeutic process and can lead to significant breakthroughs when handled skillfully.

6. Death play can be therapeutic for hypo-aroused children

Death can be a symbolic representation of the hypo-aroused state of the nervous system.

Understanding death play. For children experiencing emotional numbing, dissociation, or depression, death play can serve important therapeutic functions:

• Exploring feelings of helplessness or abandonment
• Processing literal experiences of loss or death
• Symbolically representing a deeply hypo-aroused nervous system state

Therapist's role in death play:

• Remain present and regulated, even when "playing dead"
• Use internal regulation techniques (e.g., controlled breathing, body scans)
• Stay attuned to the child's energy and needs
• Provide a containing presence that allows for exploration of challenging emotions

It's crucial to remember that death play does not promote actual death or self-harm. Rather, it allows children to safely explore and integrate difficult experiences and emotions within the therapeutic container.

7. Parents need support and guidance during aggressive play therapy sessions

Whenever a parent is in the room, you have two clients, and it is your task to teach them how to play and interact together.

Supporting parents. When parents observe or participate in aggressive play therapy:

• Their own nervous systems may become dysregulated
• They may struggle to understand or accept their child's play
• They need guidance on how to respond effectively

Strategies for working with parents:

• Include them actively in the play, rather than having them observe passively
• Educate them about the purpose and benefits of aggressive play
• Teach them regulation techniques they can use in and out of sessions
• Model appropriate responses to the child's play
• Process their own reactions and emotions after the session

By supporting parents through aggressive play therapy, therapists:

• Strengthen the parent-child relationship
• Increase the effectiveness of interventions outside of therapy
• Help create a more regulated and attuned home environment

Remember that parents may need their own therapeutic support to process their reactions and develop new skills for responding to their child's needs.

Last updated: November 19, 2024