Parenting

1. Define your parenting "it" and aim for lifelong relationships

Kids who enjoy being with us and with each other even when they no longer have to be.

Long-term vision. Parenting with a clear end goal in mind helps guide decisions and actions throughout your children's lives. The authors' "it" was to raise children who would want to be around their parents and siblings even as adults. This focus on relationships, rather than just behavior or achievements, shapes how parents approach discipline, communication, and family time.

Intentional choices. Having a defined "it" allows parents to make intentional choices that align with their long-term vision. This might mean prioritizing family dinners, teaching conflict resolution skills, or fostering individual relationships with each child. By keeping the end goal in mind, parents can navigate the challenges of each stage with greater purpose and clarity.

2. Adapt your parenting approach through four key stages

Kids move from one stage to the next without thought or effort. But parents don't.

Four stages of parenting:

• Discipline Years (0-5): Teaching consequences for actions
• Training Years (5-12): Explaining the "why" behind rules and expectations
• Coaching Years (12-18): Connecting more than correcting, guiding from the sidelines
• Friendship Years (18+): Transitioning to an adult relationship

Evolving approach. Parents must consciously adjust their methods as children grow. This requires awareness of each stage's unique challenges and opportunities. Failure to evolve can lead to strained relationships or stunted emotional growth. By recognizing and adapting to each stage, parents can maintain influence and build stronger connections with their children over time.

3. Establish core family values: honor and honesty

The worst thing you can do is tell a lie.

Keystone rules. The Stanleys established two fundamental rules in their household: honor your mother and don't tell a lie. These core values acted as "keystone habits," creating positive ripple effects throughout family life. Honoring mother naturally extended to respecting others, while prioritizing honesty built trust and open communication.

Building trust. By emphasizing honesty above all else, parents create an environment where children feel safe to share their thoughts and experiences. This foundation of trust is crucial for maintaining influence and connection as children grow older. Teaching children to value honesty also equips them with an essential life skill for building healthy relationships beyond the family.

4. Discipline to restore relationships, not just modify behavior

The goal of discipline is to teach your child how to restore the relationship they damaged.

Relational focus. Instead of punishment-centered discipline, the authors advocate for an approach that teaches children how to make amends and repair relationships. This method involves two key steps: confession and restitution. By focusing on relationship restoration, discipline becomes a tool for teaching empathy, responsibility, and social skills.

Long-term impact. This approach to discipline helps children develop crucial life skills for maintaining healthy relationships. It also preserves the parent-child bond, ensuring that discipline doesn't damage the relationship or push children away. By modeling how to take responsibility and make things right, parents equip their children with tools they'll use throughout their lives.

5. Prioritize your marriage to set a strong family foundation

Your marriage—your relationship with your spouse—becomes part of the story your kids will tell.

Model healthy relationships. A strong marriage provides children with a sense of security and a model for their own future relationships. By prioritizing their relationship, parents demonstrate the importance of mutual respect, communication, and commitment. This foundation influences children's emotional well-being and their ability to form healthy relationships later in life.

Practical steps:

• Regular date nights or getaways without children
• Expressing gratitude and affection in front of kids
• Supporting each other's interests and goals
• Resolving conflicts respectfully
• Maintaining individual identities while nurturing the partnership

6. Use words wisely: they carry extraordinary weight with children

Words are not equally weighted.

Impact of words. Parents' words carry immense weight and can have long-lasting effects on children's self-esteem and worldview. Negative words often impact children more deeply than positive ones, requiring multiple affirmations to counterbalance a single criticism. Understanding this dynamic helps parents choose their words more carefully and intentionally.

Mindful communication. To leverage the power of words positively:

• Offer specific, genuine praise
• Avoid sarcasm and hurtful teasing
• Address behavior rather than character
• Listen actively and validate feelings
• Use "I" statements to express concerns
• Apologize sincerely when words cause hurt

7. Foster your children's spiritual growth through personal example

As it relates to the endurance of your child's faith, what happens at home is far more catalytic than what happens at church.

Live your faith. Children are more likely to develop a lasting faith when they see it lived out authentically by their parents. This means demonstrating how faith informs decisions, shapes values, and provides comfort during difficult times. By openly sharing their own spiritual journeys, parents can help children understand the practical application of faith in everyday life.

Practical approaches:

• Regular family prayer time
• Discussing how faith informs decisions
• Sharing personal stories of spiritual growth
• Encouraging questions and doubts
• Modeling service and compassion
• Engaging in age-appropriate discussions about spiritual topics

8. Create a schedule that supports your family relationships

How we spend our time telegraphs a message to our loved ones.

Intentional time management. The way parents allocate their time communicates what they truly value. Creating a schedule that prioritizes family relationships sends a powerful message to children about their importance. This might mean adjusting work hours, limiting extracurricular activities, or establishing regular family rituals.

Cumulative impact. Small, consistent investments of time over the long term yield significant results in family relationships. This could include:

• Regular family dinners
• One-on-one time with each child
• Family game nights or outings
• Attending children's events and activities
• Creating space for spontaneous conversations

9. Design consequences that teach life skills and restore connections

Punishment is not discipline. Punishment is punishment.

Thoughtful discipline. Effective discipline goes beyond punishment to teach valuable life skills. The authors advocate for creative consequences that help children understand the impact of their actions and learn how to make amends. This approach requires more time and effort but yields better long-term results.

Key principles:

• Connect the consequence to the misbehavior
• Focus on teaching rather than punishing
• Allow natural consequences when safe and appropriate
• Involve the child in determining how to make things right
• Use the "Oh no!" approach to maintain connection during discipline
• Avoid preassigning consequences, which can undermine the opportunity for children to choose right behavior on their own

Last updated: April 10, 2025