Parenting Without Borders

1. Solitary Sleep: A Cultural, Not Biological, Imperative

Mothers and babies have been sleeping together for millions of years—we’re here because of that.

Evolutionary Mismatch. The idea that babies should sleep alone is a relatively recent Western concept, not a universal norm. For most of human history, and in many cultures today, babies sleep with their mothers, and children sleep with siblings or other family members. This practice aligns with a baby's primal attachment needs and can lead to more restful sleep for both mother and child.

• Co-sleeping synchronizes sleep cycles, making it easier for mothers to respond to their babies' needs.
• Proximity reduces the risk of SIDS when practiced safely, as mothers monitor their babies' breathing and well-being.
• Solitary sleep can create anxiety and sleep problems, as babies are hardwired to feel unsafe when alone.

Safety in Proximity. The fear of co-sleeping is often rooted in misconceptions and unsafe practices, such as co-sleeping while intoxicated or on unsafe surfaces. When practiced safely, co-sleeping can actually lower the risk of SIDS.

• Safe co-sleeping involves a firm mattress, no loose bedding, and a sober parent.
• Room-sharing, even if not bed-sharing, reduces SIDS risk by up to half.
• Cribs themselves are not a guarantee of safety, and many children are injured by them each year.

Cultural Norms. The American ideal of solitary sleep is tied to cultural values of independence and autonomy. However, many cultures believe that shared sleep fosters connection, security, and a sense of belonging.

• In Japan, co-sleeping is the norm, and babies sleep with their mothers, often on futons on the floor.
• In Sweden, co-sleeping is viewed positively, with parents embracing the flexibility of shared sleep.
• These cultures see early attachment as a foundation for later independence, not a sign of unhealthy dependence.

2. Less Stuff, More Joy: The Paradox of Materialism

The messages that children encounter every day are that the things they buy will make them happy.

Consumerism's Grip. American culture is heavily influenced by consumerism, with children bombarded by advertisements that equate happiness with material possessions. This constant exposure can lead to mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.

• American children receive an average of 70 new toys a year, often leading to clutter and a lack of appreciation.
• Materialism has been linked to precocious sexuality, obesity, violence, and eating disorders.
• The pursuit of material fulfillment often leads to a hedonic treadmill, where satisfaction fades quickly, and the desire for more increases.

Simplicity's Virtue. In contrast, many cultures value simplicity and frugality, teaching children to appreciate what they have and to take care of their belongings.

• In Japan, wastefulness is frowned upon, and children are taught to cherish their possessions.
• Japanese children are often content with fewer toys, fostering creativity and resourcefulness.
• Birthday parties are typically low-key, with an emphasis on family and community rather than material gifts.

Delayed Gratification. French parents believe that "frustrating" children is good for them, teaching them to wait for things they want. This approach helps children develop self-control and an appreciation for the value of delayed gratification.

• French parents deny their children things or make them wait, teaching them that they can't have everything right away.
• This approach is believed to prevent children from becoming "boulimique," always needing more.
• French Christmases are often less about material gifts and more about family and tradition.

3. Global Food Rules: Beyond Picky Eating

We should give them the pleasure of feeling like part of the family when they eat.

American Food Culture. American children often have poor eating habits, with a high intake of processed foods, sugar, and fat. This is compounded by large portion sizes, constant snacking, and a lack of structured mealtimes.

• Nearly 40% of calories consumed by American kids are empty calories from sugar and fat.
• American children eat almost 200 more calories daily than they did in 1977, mostly from unhealthy foods.
• This diet contributes to high rates of childhood obesity and related health problems.

Japanese Food Culture. In Japan, food is viewed as a communal matter, with an emphasis on fresh, seasonal ingredients, balanced meals, and mindful eating.

• Babies are introduced to a wide variety of tastes and textures, and eat the same foods as adults.
• Meals are structured, with an emphasis on sitting down together and appreciating the food.
• Wasting food is frowned upon, and children are taught to be grateful for what they have.

French Food Culture. French parents teach their children to enjoy food, emphasizing taste, variety, and moderation.

• Children are taught to sit at the table and eat politely, with an appreciation for food.
• Snacking between meals is discouraged, and meals are seen as a time for family and socializing.
• French parents believe that "frustrating" children by making them wait for things is good for them.

Beyond Choice. In many cultures, parents take the lead in deciding what children eat, believing that it is their responsibility to teach children to eat well. This contrasts with the American emphasis on personal choice, which can lead to power struggles and unhealthy eating habits.

• In Japan, parents don't worry about trampling on their children's personal choice, believing they are doing them a favor by teaching them to eat well.
• In Sweden, children are given choices within a framework of healthy options, fostering autonomy and self-regulation.
• In South Korea, meals are a family event, with a focus on a variety of fresh, homemade dishes.

4. Self-Esteem vs. Self-Control: A Cultural Divide

Self-esteem doesn’t come from other people telling you how wonderful you are. It comes from overcoming something, from having done hard work, from persisting.

The American Obsession. In America, self-esteem has become a dominant parenting goal, with parents often showering children with praise to make them feel good about themselves. However, this approach can backfire, leading to an overinflated sense of self and a lack of resilience.

• Excessive praise can make children afraid of failure and less able to persevere through challenges.
• Children who are praised for being "smart" may feel less intelligent when they make mistakes.
• An overemphasis on self-esteem can lead to narcissism and a sense of entitlement.

The Asian Emphasis. In many Asian cultures, self-esteem is not a primary focus. Instead, parents emphasize values such as hard work, perseverance, and self-improvement.

• In Japan, modesty is a virtue, and children are taught to be self-effacing.
• Japanese parents believe that effort is more important than the result, and that children grow through overcoming challenges.
• In South Korea, parents focus on cultivating character and a sense of responsibility, rather than just boosting self-esteem.

The Swedish Approach. In Sweden, self-esteem is seen as a natural outcome of a secure and supportive environment. Parents believe that children should be allowed to develop at their own pace, and that co-sleeping and other forms of close physical contact can foster security and independence.

• Swedish parents believe that if a child wants the security of co-sleeping, this will only help him to be more secure and independent as he grows.
• They believe that children have a right to co-sleep if they want to.
• Swedish health care professionals share this belief as well, which normalizes the practice.

The Power of Self-Control. Research suggests that self-control and self-discipline are more important than self-esteem in determining success.

• Children who are taught to delay gratification and persevere through challenges are more likely to achieve their goals.
• Focusing on effort and process, rather than innate talent, can foster a growth mindset and a love of learning.
• The best way to build self-esteem is to help children develop the skills and confidence to overcome challenges on their own.

5. Hovering Hurts: The Power of Child Autonomy

The kids will work it out.

The American Tendency. American parents often feel compelled to be highly involved in their children's lives, monitoring their activities, mediating their conflicts, and ensuring their safety at all times. This "hoverparenting" can undermine children's ability to develop self-control and problem-solving skills.

• Over-involvement can make children feel like they're not in control of their own lives.
• It can also make it harder for children to cope with stress and resist trying new things.
• When parents ignore babies’ cues in infancy, the problem continues into childhood.

The Japanese Approach. In Japan, parents often take a more hands-off approach, allowing children to resolve conflicts on their own and to explore their environment with minimal adult interference.

• Japanese parents believe that children grow through fighting and making up, and that these experiences help them build resilience.
• They see early attachment between a baby and mother as one of the first steps to fostering important skills children need to thrive and succeed later on.
• They believe that responding quickly to a baby will help her become a harmonious child.

The Swedish Approach. In Sweden, parents believe that children are "natural beings" who need a safe environment in which to develop. They trust that children will develop normally and at their own speed if they are given the freedom to explore and make their own choices.

• Swedish parents believe that co-sleeping is a normal phase that children will outgrow.
• They believe that children have a right to co-sleep if they want to.
• Swedish health care professionals share this belief as well, which normalizes the practice.

The Benefits of Autonomy. Research shows that children who are given more autonomy and responsibility are more likely to develop self-reliance, problem-solving skills, and a sense of competence.

• Children who are allowed to make their own choices and resolve their own conflicts are more likely to become independent and self-reliant.
• Children who are given space to explore and experiment are more likely to develop creativity and resourcefulness.
• Children who are trusted to take care of themselves and their belongings are more likely to feel capable and confident.

6. Unstructured Play: The Lost Art of Childhood

The messages that children encounter every day are that the things they buy will make them happy.

The Decline of Play. In America, children's free time has been increasingly replaced by structured activities, such as sports, music lessons, and academic enrichment programs. This decline in unstructured play has been linked to a rise in childhood anxiety, depression, and obesity.

• American children spend an average of only 4 to 7 minutes in unstructured outdoor play.
• They spend over 7 hours a day using electronic media.
• This lack of free play deprives children of opportunities to develop creativity, problem-solving skills, and social competence.

The Power of Play. Unstructured play is essential for children's development, allowing them to explore their world, develop their imagination, and learn how to interact with others.

• Play helps children develop self-regulation, which is crucial for success in school and life.
• It allows them to make sense of their social world and learn how to resolve conflicts.
• Open-ended playthings, such as blocks and dolls, foster creativity and imagination.

Japanese Play. In Japan, children are given ample time for unstructured play, both at school and at home.

• Japanese children often entertain themselves without store-bought toys, using their imagination and resourcefulness.
• They are taught to appreciate what they have and to take care of their belongings.
• They are encouraged to play freely, without adult interference, and to make up their own games.

Swedish Play. In Sweden, children are given a lot of freedom to explore and play outdoors, even in cold weather.

• Swedish parents believe that children need a safe environment in which to develop, and that they should be allowed to explore at their own pace.
• They value the importance of children being able to make their own choices and to learn from their own experiences.
• They believe that co-sleeping is a normal phase that children will outgrow.

The Importance of Downtime. Children need time to relax, daydream, and just be. This downtime is essential for their mental and emotional well-being, and it allows them to recharge and prepare for new challenges.

• Children who are constantly scheduled and overstimulated are more likely to experience stress and anxiety.
• Unstructured time allows children to explore their own interests and develop their own passions.
• It also gives them a chance to connect with their inner selves and to develop a sense of self-awareness.

7. Asian Learning: Beyond the High-Pressure Stereotype

In Japan, many people think that the effort you make is more important than the result.

The Tiger Mother Myth. The stereotype of Asian parenting as being overly strict and focused on academic achievement is not always accurate. While many Asian parents value education highly, they also emphasize character development, perseverance, and a love of learning.

• In China, parents are increasingly focused on helping children find their own path and develop their own ideas.
• In Japan, parents believe that effort is more important than the result, and that children grow through overcoming challenges.
• In South Korea, parents are highly invested in their children's education, but they also want them to be happy and well-rounded.

The Value of Effort. In many Asian cultures, hard work and perseverance are seen as essential for success. Children are taught to value effort over innate talent, and to see challenges as opportunities for growth.

• Japanese children are taught to reflect on their mistakes and to identify areas for improvement.
• They are encouraged to try new things and to persevere through difficulties.
• They are praised for their effort and their willingness to keep trying.

The Importance of Community. In many Asian cultures, learning is seen as a communal activity, with an emphasis on collaboration and mutual support.

• Children are taught to respect their teachers and elders, and to value the wisdom of their community.
• They are encouraged to help one another and to work together to achieve common goals.
• They are taught to see themselves as part of a larger whole, rather than as isolated individuals.

The Role of the Teacher. In many Asian countries, teachers are highly respected and well-trained professionals. They are given a lot of autonomy in the classroom, and they are expected to be both educators and mentors.

• Teachers are seen as role models who can inspire children to learn and grow.
• They are expected to be knowledgeable, compassionate, and dedicated to their students' success.
• They are given the resources and support they need to do their jobs effectively.

8. Finnish Education: Equity and the Whole Child

We can’t afford to waste a brain.

Equity over Excellence. Finland's educational system is renowned for its high achievement and its commitment to equity. All children, regardless of their background or ability, are given the opportunity to succeed.

• There are no gifted programs, no private schools, and no high-stakes standardized tests.
• The government provides more funds to schools that face challenges, rather than penalizing them.
• All students are entitled to personalized support by trained professional specialists.

The Importance of Play. Finnish children don't start formal academics until the year they turn seven. They have a lot of recess, shorter school hours, and the lightest homework load of any industrialized nation.

• Finnish educators believe that children learn best when they are motivated and when they're given tools to make responsible and effective choices.
• They emphasize the importance of play, creativity, and hands-on learning.
• They believe that children need time to relax, explore, and develop their own interests.

The Value of Teachers. Finnish teachers are highly respected and well-trained professionals. They are given a lot of autonomy in the classroom, and they are expected to be both educators and mentors.

• All teachers are required to have master's degrees, and they are given ample time for professional development.
• They are trusted to make their own decisions about curriculum and teaching methods.
• They are seen as partners in the learning process, not just as instructors.

A Holistic Approach. Finnish education is not just about academics. It also emphasizes the importance of physical activity, the arts, and practical life skills.

• Children are taught to cook, sew, and manage their finances.
• They are encouraged to be creative, innovative, and self-reliant.
• They are given the opportunity to explore their own interests and develop their own passions.

9. Raising Kindness: Beyond Manners to True Empathy

In Japan, if a parent isn’t strict, then we feel like they have given up on us.

The American Dilemma. In America, there is often a tension between teaching children to be kind and teaching them to be independent and assertive. Some parents worry that emphasizing manners and social conventions will stifle their children's individuality.

• American parents often prioritize their children's happiness over their kindness.
• They may be reluctant to impose rules or expectations, fearing that it will harm their children's self-esteem.
• They may also be confused about the best way to teach kindness, with conflicting messages from experts and the media.

The Japanese Approach. In Japan, politeness and respect are highly valued, and children are taught from a young age to be considerate of others.

• Greetings and other social rituals are seen as a way to show respect and to create a sense of community.
• Children are taught to think about the impact of their actions on others, and to be mindful of their words and behavior.
• They are encouraged to be humble and to avoid bragging or drawing attention to themselves.

The Importance of Rituals. Rituals and routines can help children learn how to be kind and considerate.

• Set phrases, such as "please" and "thank you," can help children learn to express gratitude and respect.
• Regular greetings and farewells can help children feel connected to others and to their community.
• Shared meals and other family rituals can help children learn how to be present and engaged with others.

Beyond Rote Learning. While manners are important, they are not enough. Children also need to develop empathy, compassion, and a genuine desire to help others.

• Parents can model kindness by treating others with respect and consideration.
• They can encourage children to think about how their actions affect others.
• They can provide opportunities for children to help others and to make a positive difference in the world.

10. Raising Responsibility: From Helplessness to Competence

We simply take it for granted that we should all feel good about ourselves, we are all special, and we all deserve to follow our dreams.

The Helplessness Trap. In America, children are often overprotected and under-challenged, leading to a sense of helplessness and a lack of self-reliance.

• Parents often do things for their children that they could be doing themselves, such as making their beds, packing their lunches, and carrying their bags.
• Children are often given too many choices and too little responsibility, leading to a sense of entitlement.
• They are often shielded from challenges and setbacks, which can undermine their ability to develop resilience.

The Japanese Approach. In Japan, children are expected to be responsible for themselves from a young age, and they are given opportunities to contribute to their families and communities.

• They are taught to take care of their belongings, to help with chores, and to get themselves to and from school.
• They are encouraged to be self-reliant and to take responsibility for their own actions.
• They are given opportunities to make their own decisions and to learn from their mistakes.

The Swedish Approach. In Sweden, children are given a lot of freedom and autonomy, and they are trusted to make their own choices.

• Swedish parents believe that children need to learn how to make decisions for themselves, and that they should be given the opportunity to do so.
• They believe that children are capable of handling responsibility, and that they should be given the chance to prove it.
• They believe that children should be allowed to explore their environment and to take risks, as long as they are safe.

The Power of Responsibility. Research shows that children who are given more responsibility are more likely to develop self-control, competence, and a sense of purpose.

• They are more likely to be motivated, engaged, and successful in school and in life.
• They are more likely to be empathetic, compassionate, and responsible citizens.
• They are more likely to feel a sense of belonging and to contribute to their communities.

Last updated: January 26, 2025