Resilient Grieving

1. Grief is a profound, yet normal, human experience, not a passive state.

Grieving is also what we do with what happens to us.

Proactive grieving. The author, Lucy Hone, experienced the unimaginable loss of her daughter, Abi, in a car accident. This tragedy, following her work in resilience psychology after the Christchurch earthquakes, led her to challenge the prevailing passive view of grief. Instead of merely enduring the "grief reaction"—the emotional, psychological, and physical impacts—she advocates for an active "grieving response," where individuals consciously choose how to engage with their loss.

Beyond Kübler-Ross. While Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's five stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) offer a framework for understanding grief, they often imply a linear, passive progression. Hone found this model insufficient, emphasizing that many people desire a proactive role in their healing. Her approach focuses on empowering the bereaved to regain a sense of control and agency in a situation that feels utterly helpless.

Choose life. Faced with the devastating statistics for bereaved parents (divorce, mental illness), Hone made a conscious decision to "choose life, not death." This meant actively employing psychological strategies to protect her sanity, marriage, and remaining family. Her journey became a personal experiment to see if resilience science could accelerate a return to "normal" functioning, whatever that new normal might entail.

2. Resilience is an ordinary magic, accessible and learnable, even in bereavement.

The great surprise of resilience research is the ordinariness of the phenomena.

Common capacity. Contrary to the belief that resilience is rare or genetically gifted, research by Steven Southwick and Dennis Charney (studying POWs) and Ann Masten ("ordinary magic") shows it's a common human capacity. Most people can adapt, recover, and even grow from adversity, including traumatic experiences like bereavement. This understanding provides a powerful foundation for approaching grief not as an insurmountable force, but as a challenge that can be navigated.

Learnable skills. Karen Reivich, Hone's instructor, taught that resilience comprises teachable and learnable processes. It's less about innate strength and more about intentionally directing one's attention and effort. This perspective shifts the focus from "if I can be resilient" to "how I can cultivate resilience," offering practical pathways for those grappling with loss.

Challenging myths. George Bonanno's extensive research on bereavement further supports this, revealing that coping well is far more common than previously thought. He found that:

• Most people bounce back to healthy functioning.
• "Delayed grief" is not scientifically supported.
• "Grief work" (relentless processing of pain) isn't always necessary for recovery.
• Resilient individuals often maintain stable psychological and physical functioning, even experiencing positive emotions alongside sadness.

3. Actively manage your attention and thoughts to navigate grief's overwhelming nature.

Resilience is more a matter of making it your intention to put your attention here rather than there.

Limited capacity. Our brains have limited processing capacity, especially when grieving. This means what we choose to focus our attention on profoundly shapes our daily experience. Directing this "torch beam" of attention away from unhelpful thoughts is crucial for conserving energy and promoting well-being.

"Helping or harming?" In the immediate aftermath of Abi's death, Hone adopted a simple but powerful filter for decisions and thoughts: "Is this likely to help us get through this or make things worse?" This cognitive behavioral therapy tenet helped her prioritize actions that supported recovery, such as:

• Not attending the driver's trial, despite societal expectations.
• Delaying opening sympathy letters until she was ready.
• Avoiding the "what ifs" rabbit hole, recognizing its futility and energy drain.

Mindfulness and hope. Mindfulness, the nonjudgmental awareness of the present moment, helps calm a racing mind and accept feelings without judgment. Redefining hope, as taught by Chris Feudtner, involves identifying smaller, realistic goals when grand hopes are shattered. This allows for continued forward movement and a sense of purpose, even in the direst circumstances, by focusing on what is possible.

4. Acceptance of loss, including secondary losses, is the first step towards healing.

Accepting the reality of death and suffering can only be the beginning point of effective grieving response, not the end.

Irreversible reality. William Worden identifies accepting the reality of the loss as the first essential task of mourning. This means acknowledging that the death is irreversible and no amount of wishing or bargaining will change it. For Hone, this involved confronting the fact that Abi was "gone. She was killed in a car crash. She’s never walking down our steps and through our front door again. Ever."

Beyond the primary loss. Grief extends beyond the immediate loss of the loved one to encompass "secondary losses." These include:

• Loss of identity (e.g., "mother of three" to "mother of two").
• Loss of future hopes and dreams (e.g., Abi's wedding, career).
• Loss of specific roles and functions the person played (e.g., breadwinner, handyman).
• Loss of security and trust in the world's safety.
• Personality changes and shifts in life priorities.

Relearning the world. Thomas Attig describes grieving as a process of "relearning the world," where individuals must find the courage to re-engage and adapt to a profoundly changed reality. This involves integrating the loss into a new life narrative, accepting that the future will not unfold as once imagined, and finding a new sense of coherence and meaning.

5. Embrace positive emotions and distraction as vital tools for recovery.

Positive emotions do more than just feel good; they actually do good.

Broaden and Build. Barbara Fredrickson's "Broaden and Build" theory explains that positive emotions (joy, gratitude, interest, awe, love) are not merely fleeting pleasantries but crucial for human survival. They broaden our perspective, enhance creativity, and build psychological, social, and physical resources. In grief, they act as a "hand brake" on negative emotions, preventing downward spirals and fostering resilience.

Oscillation is normal. The Dual Process Model of grief, by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut, highlights that healthy grieving involves an oscillation between confronting loss-oriented stressors (remembering the deceased, crying) and engaging with restoration-oriented stressors (dealing with finances, re-establishing routines). This means taking "time off" from grieving through distraction is not denial, but a necessary part of recovery.

Strategic distraction. When rumination (endless dwelling on negative thoughts) becomes overwhelming, distraction offers vital respite. Engaging activities, even small ones like "cleaning out the teaspoon drawer," can break the grip of negative thoughts and provide temporary relief. Hone found solace in:

• Music and podcasts
• Talking to friends
• Walking the dog
• Reading and watching TV
• Cooking and meeting friends

6. Nurture supportive relationships and communicate your needs to those around you.

Very few can “go it alone”; humans need a safety net during times of stress.

"Other people matter." Decades of research, summarized by Chris Peterson, confirm the critical role of social support in resilience. Strong relationships reduce psychological distress, help individuals cope with trauma, and are a key protective factor against depression. This is especially true in bereavement, where emotional support is often more helpful than instrumental support in the early stages.

Guiding your supporters. The bereaved cannot expect others to instinctively know how to help. It's essential to communicate needs clearly. Sheryl Sandberg, after losing her husband, learned to "address the elephant in the room" at work, inviting colleagues to ask honest questions and share their feelings. This openness replaced fear and allowed for genuine connection.

Practical ways to help and be helped:

• Tell them what you need: Ask for specific help (e.g., "Can you babysit?" "I need a hug").
• Tell the truth: Be open about your feelings, even if they're complex or change frequently.
• Don't feel guilty about laughing: Positive emotions help maintain social connections.
• Let them tell their story: Patiently listen to details of the loss, even repeatedly.
• Help them reminisce: Share memories, recall humorous moments, mention the deceased's name.
• Understand lack of tolerance: Recognize that small frustrations can be overwhelming.
• Stand by through depression: Offer quiet presence rather than trying to "cheer them up."

7. Harness your personal strengths and redefine hope to find new purpose.

Crises do not necessarily forge character, but reveal it.

Strengths-based approach. Resilience psychology emphasizes identifying and leveraging personal strengths. The Values in Action (VIA) classification outlines 24 character strengths, and research shows that knowing and using these strengths is strongly linked to psychological flourishing and improved coping. Hone's own research found that employees using their strengths were 18 times more likely to experience flourishing mental health.

Unveiling hidden strengths. In the face of Abi's death, Hone discovered that forgiveness, a strength she previously rated low, became crucial. She and her family instinctively chose not to blame the driver, recognizing that anger would not bring Abi back and would only consume precious energy. This "Truman Effect" suggests that crises can reveal latent strengths.

Hope and purpose. When initial hopes are shattered, redefining hope becomes essential. Chris Feudtner's work with terminally ill children shows that identifying new, smaller hopes (e.g., going home, being baptized) can provide purpose and alleviate despair. This process of "co-destiny," as described by Joe Kasper, involves incorporating the loved one's legacy into one's own worldview and finding a "survivor mission" to help others, transforming grief into altruistic action.

8. Prioritize rest and physical activity to combat the exhaustion of grieving.

Not exercising is akin to taking a depressant.

Grief's profound exhaustion. Grieving is an utterly exhausting process, often feeling like a perpetual uphill struggle with no end in sight. This relentless emotional and mental toll necessitates conscious energy management, starting with acknowledging tiredness and communicating it to others to avoid feeling guilty for needing breaks.

Exercise as medicine. Regular physical activity is a powerful antidote to depression, sadness, and anxiety, equivalent to some psychiatric drugs. Tal Ben-Shahar emphasizes that humans are designed for movement, and a sedentary lifestyle exacts a high mental and physical price. Even short, consistent bouts of activity can make a significant difference.

Making movement happen:

• Identify motivators: "Who do I want to do this for? What difference will it make?"
• Plan ahead: Schedule "who, when, what, where" for activities.
• Be flexible: On tough days, do something small to keep the habit alive (e.g., walk to the coffee shop).
• Be kind to yourself: Set realistic goals; something is always better than nothing.
• Fuse with social connection: Join a walking group or exercise with friends, as demonstrated by Elaine O'Brien's FitDance "moai" community.

9. Reappraise your world, finding meaning and growth in the aftermath of loss.

The traumatic events set in motion attempts to cope and that the struggle in the aftermath of the trauma, not the trauma itself, produces the post-traumatic growth.

Crisis of meaning. The death of a loved one shatters our world, prompting a profound "crisis of meaning" and existential questioning. This period of "reappraisal" involves aligning what has happened with our overall life story and constructing a new narrative. It's about "relearning the world" and accepting that life's coherence and meaning have been profoundly altered.

Meaning-making and benefit-finding. Two types of meaning are crucial for adjustment:

• Sense-making: Integrating the death into one's worldview (e.g., "accidents happen," "death is part of life").
• Benefit-finding: Acknowledging positive consequences that emerge from the struggle, such as a new appreciation for life, enhanced empathy, or improved relationships. Alicia Assad's story of seeing her son's scars as symbols of bravery exemplifies this.

Post-traumatic growth (PTG). While not universal, PTG is a common positive psychological change resulting from the struggle with highly challenging life circumstances. Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun, pioneers in PTG research, identify five areas of growth:

• A sense of being stronger than imagined.
• Greater appreciation for life.
• Improved relationships with others.
• New possibilities and priorities.
• Deepened spiritual life.
  This growth is an alteration in direction, not necessarily an improvement, but a transformation that allows one to move forward.

10. Maintain enduring bonds and create rituals to keep loved ones present in your new life.

We can continue to “have” what we have “lost,” that is, a continuing, albeit transformed, love for the deceased.

Love never dies. The historical psychological view that successful grieving required severing bonds with the deceased has been overturned. It is now widely accepted that maintaining a continuing, transformed bond with the loved one is a healthy part of adaptation. This means acknowledging that love doesn't end with physical absence; it simply changes form.

Continuing connections. Resilient grievers find comfort in remembering and talking about the deceased, recognizing that the relationship is not entirely gone. This can involve:

• Keeping precious items or wearing their jewelry.
• Visiting places they loved.
• Talking to them or thinking about them.
• Sharing memories with friends and family.

Personal rituals. Beyond public mourning, establishing private, regular, and repetitive actions helps mourners acknowledge their loss while continuing with "normal" life. These rituals, as explored by Michael Norton and Francesca Gino, restore a sense of control and order, and can both mitigate negative emotions and increase positive ones. Examples include:

• Playing a favorite song.
• Washing their car.
• Making a wreath or cooking a favorite meal.
• "Abi's Dots," a symbol of remembrance and connection for Lucy Hone's daughter.

11. Live without regret, embracing life's impermanence and making every moment count.

Enjoy the party because we know there will come a time when the music will be switched off and the lights switched on.

Accepting impermanence. Bereavement is a stark reminder that nothing and no one lasts forever. Embracing this "Universal Law of Impermanence," as Buddhist philosophy teaches, helps us to live better and grieve better. It shifts focus from the outrage of loss to the preciousness of the present moment, motivating us to engage fully with life.

The gift of no regrets. Lucy Hone found profound solace in the fact that she had no regrets about her relationship with Abi. They had said "I love you" countless times, shared experiences, and lived fully together. This lack of unfulfilled business allowed her to accept Abi's absence without the added burden of "I could have, I should have."

A message for the living. The ultimate lesson from resilient grieving is to live without regret. This means:

• Expressing love and appreciation openly and often.
• Engaging fully in relationships and experiences.
• Making every day count, knowing that life is wild, unpredictable, and infinitely precious.
• Tending to the things that are important in life, so that when goodbyes come, they are complete, allowing us to "sleep in a storm."