The Courage to Heal

1. Healing from child sexual abuse is possible and requires conscious choice.

If you were sexually abused as a child, you can not only heal but also thrive.

Healing is a choice. While time may dull some pain, deep healing from child sexual abuse requires a conscious commitment to confront the past and make lasting changes. It's an active process, not a passive one. This decision sets in motion a powerful force for personal transformation.

It's a journey. Healing is not an overnight event but a gradual process rooted in small, daily steps. It's more like a spiral than a straight line, revisiting stages at deeper levels with increased resources. Patience and persistence are key to navigating this demanding work.

Rewards are profound. Committing to healing opens the door to a richness and depth of life previously unimaginable. Survivors describe feeling truly alive, experiencing joy, self-acceptance, and a sense of wholeness. The effort invested yields immeasurable rewards.

2. The abuse inflicts deep, pervasive, and long-lasting damage.

As far as I’m concerned, my whole life was stolen from me.

Damage is widespread. Child sexual abuse can permeate every aspect of a survivor's life, affecting self-esteem, relationships, sexuality, parenting, work, and even physical health and sanity. It's like a distorted picture where many things are out of place.

Effects vary. Not all survivors are affected in the same way or to the same degree. The impact depends on factors like the nature and duration of the abuse, the age of the child, and how the abuse was handled when it was disclosed.

Recognizing the impact. Acknowledging the ways abuse has affected your life is a painful but necessary first step in healing. It allows you to see the damage clearly and understand the roots of current struggles.

3. Coping mechanisms, vital for survival, may need transformation for healing.

My whole life has pretty much been coping.

Coping for survival. As children facing unbearable trauma, survivors developed strategies like denial, minimizing, rationalizing, forgetting, presenting a façade, using humor, or dissociating to survive. These were resourceful adaptations in impossible circumstances.

Patterns can become self-defeating. While these mechanisms were essential for survival, they can become problematic in adulthood, leading to self-destructive patterns like addiction, compulsive behaviors, self-mutilation, or emotional withdrawal.

Transforming patterns. Healing involves recognizing which coping strategies are still beneficial (e.g., resilience, humor) and which are harmful. It requires developing new, healthier responses and replacing old habits with conscious, positive choices, often with support.

4. Remembering and believing the abuse is a non-linear process.

I’ve looked the memories in the face and smelled their breath. They can’t hurt me anymore.

Memory is complex. Survivors may have always remembered the abuse, repressed it entirely, or have fragmented memories. Traumatic memory is stored differently than ordinary memory, often in sensory fragments rather than a coherent narrative.

Memories can surface later. Memories may return years or decades later, triggered by life events, therapy, or even physical sensations. These intrusive memories, or flashbacks, can feel as real as the original experience.

Belief is a struggle. Even with memories, survivors often doubt their own perceptions, especially if their reality was denied or distorted as children. Accepting that the abuse happened and that it mattered is a vital, often gradual, part of healing.

5. Breaking the silence surrounding abuse is a powerful act of liberation.

What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life? The world would split open.

Silence perpetuates harm. Abuse thrives in secrecy. Children are often silenced through threats, blame, or neglect when they try to tell. This teaches shame and isolation.

Telling is transformative. Speaking the truth about your abuse to a safe person is a powerful step towards personal liberation. It dispels shame, validates your experience, and allows you to receive understanding and support.

Many ways to tell. Telling can happen in therapy, support groups, or to trusted friends or partners. It can be done verbally, through writing, art, or other creative forms. Each act of telling, at different levels of detail and to different people, is a step in reclaiming your voice.

6. It was never the child's fault; responsibility lies solely with the abuser.

I know I was only five years old, but I was an extremely intelligent five-year-old. I should have been able to figure out a way to escape.

Children blame themselves. Abusers often tell children it's their fault, or children internalize blame to make sense of an unbearable situation or feel a sense of control. Religion or family reactions can reinforce this.

Innocence is absolute. Regardless of a child's age, behavior, or response (including sexual arousal), abuse is never their fault. Adults are always responsible for their actions and for protecting children.

Releasing self-blame. A crucial part of healing is accurately placing the blame on the abuser. This requires recognizing the child's powerlessness and the adult's responsibility, freeing the survivor from the burden of guilt and shame.

7. Connecting with and nurturing the inner child fosters self-compassion and wholeness.

When I first heard people talk about forgiving the child within, I raised my left eyebrow and thought, ‘California.’

The wounded child within. Abuse deeply hurts the child you once were. Many survivors feel estranged from this vulnerable part of themselves, blaming or resenting her.

Embracing the child. Healing involves forming a loving, respectful relationship with your inner child. This means listening to her pain, needs, and wisdom, and becoming the nurturing adult she didn't have.

Integration brings wholeness. Embracing the child within allows you to integrate fragmented parts of yourself, fostering self-acceptance and compassion. It's a vital step in feeling whole and capable of self-nurturing.

8. Expressing anger is a necessary and liberating force.

When I’m angry, it’s because I know I’m worth being angry about.

Anger is a natural response. Abuse is a violation, and anger is a healthy reaction. However, survivors often suppress anger or turn it inward, leading to depression or self-destructive behavior.

Directing anger accurately. Healing requires directing anger at the abuser and those who failed to protect you, not at yourself or others. This releases bottled-up energy and counteracts self-blame.

Anger as a tool. While fear of anger is common due to past experiences with violence, anger itself is a feeling that can be channeled constructively. It provides energy for change, motivates action, and can be a powerful force for personal and social transformation.

9. Reclaiming your body and feelings is essential for presence and vitality.

What I’ve had to tell myself again and again is ‘Trust yourself.’

Body and mind are connected. Abuse teaches survivors that their bodies are unsafe, leading to dissociation, numbing, and ignoring physical sensations. This disconnects them from feelings and intuition.

Re-inhabiting the body. Healing involves learning to live within your body again, paying attention to its sensations and wisdom. This allows you to feel a full range of emotions and experience life more fully.

Body-based healing. Working directly with the body through movement, touch, and somatic therapies can release stored trauma and change automatic stress responses. This helps survivors feel grounded, present, and empowered.

10. Building healthy intimacy and relationships is a challenging but achievable goal.

I have beautiful things and people in my present.

Intimacy challenges. Abuse shatters trust and distorts understanding of healthy relationships. Survivors may struggle with closeness, fear abandonment, cling, withdraw, or repeat patterns of unhealthy relationships.

Learning to trust. Building healthy intimacy requires learning to trust yourself first, then gradually extending trust to others. It's a process of taking calculated risks and assessing relationships realistically.

Relationships can heal. With conscious effort, communication, and mutual support, survivors can build relationships based on respect, honesty, and genuine care. These connections provide vital support for healing and offer opportunities for mutual growth.

11. Reclaiming your sexuality is a personal journey of healing and empowerment.

For me, sex is now connected to spirituality and health and joy.

Sexuality is often impacted. Abuse distorts a survivor's natural sexual development, linking sex with fear, shame, or confusion. This can lead to avoiding sex, compulsive sexual behavior, or difficulty with intimacy.

Healing is possible. Reclaiming sexuality involves confronting past trauma, understanding its impact, and consciously choosing how to express your sexuality. It's about separating sex from abuse and connecting it with pleasure, intimacy, and personal values.

It's a process. Healing sexually takes time and patience. It may involve taking a break from sex, exploring your body alone, communicating openly with partners, and challenging ingrained patterns or fantasies. The goal is an authentic, chosen sexuality.

12. Coming to terms with family relationships is an evolving process of setting boundaries or seeking reconciliation.

After a while, I began to miss my family.

Family dynamics are complex. Relationships with family members, especially those involved in or aware of the abuse, are often complicated. Survivors must decide what level of contact, if any, supports their healing.

Setting boundaries. Protecting yourself from ongoing abuse or disrespect requires setting clear limits, which may lead to conflict or estrangement. This is a necessary step for self-preservation and healing.

Reconciliation is possible but not required. For some, healing involves limited or full reconciliation with family members, which can be deeply rewarding. For others, a permanent separation is necessary for well-being. The path is unique for each survivor.

Last updated: June 7, 2025