The Jealousy Workbook

1. Open Relationships Require Honest Self-Assessment

Managing your jealousy takes a lot of hard work, and can be stressful and painful.

Monogamy vs. Polyamory. Before embarking on an open relationship, it's crucial to determine if you are inherently inclined towards monogamy or polyamory. Many people assume monogamy due to societal norms, but exploring alternatives requires understanding your authentic relationship orientation.

Role Models and Experiences. Reflect on your relationship role models, both from childhood and adulthood. Consider the qualities that made those relationships successful and satisfying. Were they monogamous or open? What key components contributed to their health and happiness?

Self-Reflection. Ask yourself key questions to clarify your relationship orientation:

• Did you feel safe and secure due to sexual exclusivity in past relationships?
• Did you struggle with sexual and romantic desires towards others while in monogamous relationships?
• Have you found it difficult to remain sexually exclusive with a partner for two years or more?
• Does it "just feel natural" to pursue friendships and romantic relationships concurrently with more than one person?

2. Opening Up Means Acknowledging Loss

In the excitement of being “a kid in a candy store” and seeing all the possibilities for personal growth and an abundance of love, many people fail to notice what they are losing.

Cost-Benefit Analysis. Opening a relationship involves gains and losses. It's essential to conduct a "cost-benefit" analysis to weigh the potential benefits against what you'll be giving up. This ensures a conscious choice and minimizes future regrets.

Common Losses. Sexual and romantic exclusivity are often highly valued aspects of monogamous relationships. Consider what these mean to you and how you'll feel about relinquishing them. Other potential losses include:

• Feeling special and unique as "the one and only" partner
• Believing your partner is attracted only to you
• Knowing your partner will always prioritize you
• The stability of being able to plan your future together

Grieving the Losses. Acknowledge and grieve the losses you're voluntarily accepting. This process is similar to grieving any major life change, such as changing jobs or moving to a new city. Recognizing the cost allows for a more realistic and grounded approach to open relationships.

3. Jealousy is a Complex, Multifaceted Emotion

Jealousy is a complex combination of feelings, sensations, experiences, and reactions triggered by a fear of loss or change in a valuable relationship, job, position, resource, or status.

Beyond Romantic Relationships. Jealousy isn't limited to romantic or sexual contexts. It exists in families, schools, careers, and even hobbies. Understanding how you handle jealousy in non-romantic situations can provide insights into managing it in your love life.

Childhood Experiences. Reflect on your childhood experiences of jealousy, such as sibling rivalry or feeling left out by friends. How did you handle those situations? Were your responses successful? Identifying patterns in your past can help you understand your current reactions.

Adult Relationships. Consider jealousy in non-romantic adult relationships, such as competing with a co-worker for a promotion or feeling envious of a neighbor's success. What strategies did you use to cope with these feelings? Can those strategies be applied to romantic jealousy?

4. Identify Your Jealousy Triggers to Manage Them

Every person will discover that a different constellation of situations, events, and behaviors can suddenly throw them into an intense jealousy episode.

Predictability is Key. Identifying your jealousy triggers allows you to anticipate and manage them proactively. This involves understanding the specific situations, events, and behaviors that spark intense jealousy episodes.

Guided Imagery Exercise. Use guided imagery to visualize your partner in romantic situations with someone else. Pay attention to the sights, sounds, smells, and feelings that arise during the visualization. Pause the scene whenever you feel uncomfortable and identify the specific emotions you're experiencing.

Record Your Triggers. After the visualization, write down the moments when you became jealous or uncomfortable, what was happening between your partner and the other person, and the specific emotions you felt. This detailed record will help you identify your unique jealousy profile.

5. Rational vs. Irrational Jealousy: Know the Difference

This chapter will help you discover whether your jealousy is rational, or whether perhaps you are overreacting or your imagination is running away with you.

The Jealousy Filter. Use a "Jealousy Filter" to assess whether your feelings are based on reality or exaggerated fears. This involves asking yourself four key questions:

1. Do you have access to a valuable resource (time, attention, affection) that you fear losing?
2. Does another person want that same resource from your partner?
3. Do you believe you're in direct competition with that person?
4. Do you believe you'll lose the competition?

Reality Check. If all four conditions are true, your jealousy may be based in reality. If not, you may be overreacting or letting your imagination run wild. This exercise helps shift your focus from insecurity to objective assessment.

Examples. Consider scenarios like seeing an attractive person flirting with your partner or your partner spending more time with another lover. Apply the Jealousy Filter to determine if your feelings are justified and what action, if any, is needed.

6. Fear, Anger, and Sadness: Deconstructing Jealousy

In fact, jealousy is not a single emotion, but a whole bundle of feelings, thoughts, sensations, memories, associations, and experiences that tend to get lumped together.

The Jealousy Pie Chart. Jealousy is a complex mix of emotions, thoughts, and sensations. Identifying the essential components of your jealousy can help you respond to it more effectively.

Three Primary Emotions. The three primary negative emotions associated with jealousy are fear, anger, and sadness. Determine which of these emotions is most prominent and painful for you. Women are more likely to identify fear or sadness, while men are more likely to experience anger.

Draw Your Pie Chart. Create a pie chart representing the percentages of fear, anger, and sadness in your jealousy profile. This visual representation will help you focus on the most significant emotions and develop targeted coping strategies.

7. Envy vs. Jealousy: Understanding the Nuances

Envy happens when you see someone else having something you really want, and you feel a strong craving to have what they are experiencing.

Defining Envy. Envy is the longing for something someone else has, without necessarily wanting to take it away from them. It's different from jealousy, which involves a fear of losing something you already possess.

Envy vs. Coveting. Coveting involves not only wanting what someone else has but also wanting to take it away from them. Envy, on the other hand, is simply wishing you could have something similar.

Envy in Open Relationships. Envy can manifest in various ways in open relationships, such as envying a partner's new relationship energy, their success in finding new partners, or the activities they're involved in. Separating envy from jealousy can help you address it more effectively.

8. Engineering vs. Phobia: Two Models for Managing Jealousy

There are two basic approaches for managing jealousy, which I call the engineering model and the phobia model.

Engineering Model. This approach involves identifying jealousy triggers and making agreements to avoid those specific situations. It's best suited for individuals who need predictability and trust their partner's judgment.

Phobia Model. This approach involves gradually exposing yourself to jealousy triggers to desensitize yourself to them. It's best suited for individuals who value freedom and autonomy.

Trial and Error. Neither approach is a simple solution. Expect bumps along the way and be gentle with yourself and your partner. The key is to find a balance between security and freedom that works for both of you.

9. Unlearn Core Beliefs to Reduce Jealousy

All our emotional responses and behaviors are reactions which are based on our beliefs.

Core Beliefs. Certain core beliefs can generate jealousy, even in well-adjusted individuals. Dismantling these beliefs is essential for experiencing less jealousy.

Three Core Beliefs:

1. "If my partner really loved me, they wouldn't have any desire for a sexual relationship with anyone else."
2. "If my partner were happy with me, and if I were a good partner/spouse/lover, my partner would be so satisfied that they wouldn’t want to get involved with anyone else."
3. "It’s just not possible to love more than one person at the same time."

Challenge and Replace. Identify how strongly you believe each of these statements. Then, consciously try to displace them with new, more empowering beliefs. This process takes time and effort but can significantly reduce your jealousy.

10. Supporting a Jealous Partner: Empathy is Key

First and foremost, when faced with a jealous partner, your mantra should be to tell yourself over and over, internally: “Just shut up and listen!”

Empathy and Communication. When your partner expresses jealous feelings, the most effective response is empathy and good communication. Listen carefully to their words and non-verbal cues without interruption.

Avoid Defensiveness. Resist the urge to argue or justify your behavior. Instead, seek information from your partner and acknowledge their feelings. Validation can go a long way in reducing jealousy and repairing intimacy.

Take Responsibility. Identify your role in triggering the jealous response and take responsibility for any behaviors or attitudes you'd consider modifying. Apologize for any actual mistakes you've made, even if your partner's response seems out of proportion.

11. Navigating "Poly Hell": Demotion, Displacement, Intrusion

The most typical poly dilemmas are inevitably created when the partner with the outside relationship devotes too much time and energy to the new relationship and ignores or neglects the partner at home.

Three Circles of Poly Hell:

1. Demotion: Feeling demoted from "the one and only" to one of two partners
2. Displacement: Feeling that the outside relationship is crowding out the primary relationship
3. Intrusion: Feeling that the outside relationship is invading the time and space of the primary relationship

Minimize the Impact. To navigate "Poly Hell," focus on providing adequate time and attention to your primary partner, being transparent about the outside relationship, and setting appropriate boundaries to minimize intrusion.

Communicate and Reassure. Frequent reassurances of loyalty and consistent adherence to agreements can foster greater trust and reduce feelings of demotion, displacement, and intrusion.

12. Communication is Paramount in Open Relationships

While excellent communication skills are a prerequisite for any healthy, happy relationship, this is even more true in open relationships.

Keep it Simple. Communication techniques should be simple enough to use during conflict, when emotions are high. Avoid complicated methods that are likely to be abandoned under pressure.

Avoid Barriers to Listening. Pay attention to your partner's body language, tone of voice, and other non-verbal cues. Address any misgivings directly and avoid ignoring signs that something isn't okay.

Know and Communicate Your Needs. Assess your needs and communicate them directly to your partner. Take responsibility for your feelings and be willing to compromise to find mutually satisfying solutions.

Last updated: March 1, 2025