The Many Lives of Mama Love

1. Addiction and escape: Reading as a gateway to coping with trauma

Reading was my first addiction. When I tell people this today, they laugh and nod as if they understand, as if they too are part of a secret book-addict society whose greatest crime is staying up late, a flashlight under the covers, compulsively reading page after page.

Books as escape. From an early age, Lara Love used reading as a means to cope with a troubled childhood. Books provided a way to mentally escape her challenging home environment, filled with violence, neglect, and family dysfunction. This coping mechanism, while seemingly harmless, laid the groundwork for future addictive behaviors.

The power of stories. Through books, Lara could imagine herself as different characters, living different lives. This ability to mentally transport herself became a crucial skill in dealing with trauma and difficult emotions. However, it also created a pattern of avoiding reality rather than confronting and processing her experiences.

• Key aspects of Lara's early addiction to reading:
  • Provided emotional escape from a troubled home life
  • Allowed her to imagine herself as different people/characters
  • Created a pattern of avoiding reality rather than confronting issues
  • Laid the foundation for future addictive behaviors

2. The descent into drug addiction and criminal behavior

Escape was always my real addiction, the one true high. Books were just my gateway drug. Sex just got me pregnant. Food just made me puffy. Vicodin just helped me pretend I was happy.

The progression of addiction. Lara's journey from books to drugs illustrates the escalating nature of addiction. As life's challenges grew more complex, her need for escape intensified. What began as a harmless coping mechanism in childhood evolved into increasingly destructive behaviors in adulthood.

The illusion of control. Throughout her descent into addiction, Lara maintained the illusion that she was in control. She justified her actions, rationalizing that prescription drugs were safer than street drugs or that her criminal activities were victimless crimes. This self-deception allowed her to continue her destructive behavior while maintaining a facade of normalcy.

• Stages of Lara's addiction:
  1. Reading as emotional escape
  2. Experimentation with alcohol and drugs
  3. Prescription drug abuse (Vicodin)
  4. Heroin use
  5. Criminal activities to support drug habit
• Consequences of addiction:
  • Strained relationships with family
  • Loss of custody of her children
  • Criminal charges and incarceration

3. Arrest and incarceration: A wake-up call and path to redemption

I am nobody's mother.

Rock bottom. Lara's arrest and subsequent incarceration marked her lowest point. The separation from her children, especially her youngest son Kaden, forced her to confront the consequences of her actions. This moment of clarity became the catalyst for her journey towards recovery and redemption.

Jail as a turning point. While incarcerated, Lara began to rediscover herself. She found support and camaraderie among other inmates, earned the nickname "Mama Love," and started to use her writing skills to help others. This period of forced introspection and community building laid the foundation for her eventual recovery.

• Key experiences in jail:
  • Separation from children as a wake-up call
  • Formation of supportive relationships with other inmates
  • Rediscovery of writing skills and passion
  • Participation in programs like Gemma and family preservation court
• Lessons learned:
  • The importance of accountability
  • The power of community and support
  • The potential for personal growth even in difficult circumstances

4. Motherhood, separation, and the struggle for reunification

I am embarrassed to be me.

The pain of separation. Lara's incarceration meant losing custody of her children, particularly her youngest son Kaden. This separation was a source of immense guilt and shame, driving her determination to reunify with her children and become a better mother.

The challenges of reunification. Upon release, Lara faced numerous obstacles in regaining custody of Kaden and rebuilding relationships with her older sons. She had to navigate a complex system of probation requirements, court-mandated programs, and supervised visits while also addressing her own recovery needs.

• Steps towards reunification:
  1. Completing court-mandated programs
  2. Maintaining sobriety
  3. Securing stable housing and employment
  4. Rebuilding trust with her children and ex-husband
• Emotional challenges:
  • Dealing with guilt and shame
  • Rebuilding self-esteem as a mother
  • Balancing recovery needs with parenting responsibilities
  • Navigating co-parenting relationships post-incarceration

5. Recovery, reentry, and the challenges of rebuilding a life post-incarceration

I am surrounded by girls so young their faces could break your heart. Girls who will ask me to explain to them exactly when in your cycle you can get pregnant. Girls who have children, lots of children, but will look at me blankly when I say the word ovulation.

The complexities of reentry. Lara's experiences highlight the numerous challenges faced by individuals reentering society after incarceration. From finding employment with a criminal record to rebuilding relationships and meeting probation requirements, the path to reintegration is fraught with obstacles.

The importance of support systems. Lara's journey emphasizes the crucial role of support systems in successful recovery and reentry. This includes both formal programs like drug court and informal networks of friends, family, and fellow recovering addicts.

• Challenges of reentry:
  • Finding employment with a criminal record
  • Securing stable housing
  • Meeting probation requirements
  • Rebuilding relationships with family and community
  • Overcoming stigma and shame
• Key factors in successful reentry:
  • Access to recovery programs and support groups
  • Stable employment and housing
  • Rebuilding family relationships
  • Developing new, healthy coping mechanisms
  • Finding purpose and meaning in helping others

6. Finding purpose through writing and helping others

I am officially a ghostwriter, and finishing any chapter feels like being high, only different. The edges are full of confidence, and that makes it nothing like the high of opiates, which were only outlined in glittery fear and false bravado.

Writing as redemption. Lara's rediscovery of her passion for writing became a pivotal part of her recovery and reintegration. Through ghostwriting and collaborating on books, she found a new sense of purpose and a way to use her experiences to help others.

The power of shared experiences. Lara's background as a former inmate and recovering addict gave her unique insights and credibility when working with others in similar situations. This allowed her to connect with and help individuals like Anthony Ray Hinton, bridging gaps between different worlds and experiences.

• Ways Lara used writing to rebuild her life:
  • Ghostwriting and collaborating on books
  • Helping other inmates and recovering addicts tell their stories
  • Using her experiences to bring authenticity to her work
  • Finding a new sense of purpose and identity
• Impact of Lara's work:
  • Helping others process and share their experiences
  • Contributing to important conversations about addiction, incarceration, and recovery
  • Building a new career and identity separate from her past

7. Forgiveness, self-acceptance, and the journey to personal growth

I am standing in the light, at a temple, in service to something bigger than my insecurities and flaws. Bigger than my past and my mistakes.

The ongoing process of healing. Lara's journey illustrates that recovery and personal growth are ongoing processes. Even years after her incarceration and initial recovery, she continued to struggle with self-acceptance and the weight of her past actions.

Finding meaning in adversity. Through her experiences with spiritual leaders like Archbishop Desmond Tutu and the Dalai Lama, Lara began to see her struggles as part of a larger human experience. This perspective shift allowed her to find meaning in her adversity and use her past to help others.

• Key elements of Lara's ongoing growth:
  • Learning to forgive herself and others
  • Finding ways to give back to her community
  • Using her experiences to help others in similar situations
  • Embracing vulnerability and honesty about her past
• Lessons learned:
  • The importance of self-compassion in recovery
  • The power of using one's struggles to help others
  • The possibility of finding meaning and purpose through adversity
  • The ongoing nature of personal growth and healing

Last updated: August 8, 2024