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When Men Behave Badly

When Men Behave Badly

The Hidden Roots of Sexual Deception, Harassment, and Assault
by David M. Buss 2021 336 pages
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Key Takeaways

1. Sexual conflict is an evolutionary arms race between males and females

For every tactic one sex evolves to exploit the other, there exists at least one coevolved defense in the other.

Antagonistic coevolution. Sexual conflict theory proposes that males and females have evolved competing adaptations to influence reproduction in their own favor. This results in an evolutionary arms race, with each sex developing new strategies to gain an advantage, which are then countered by the other sex. For example:

  • Males evolve persistence in pursuing mates, females evolve choosiness
  • Males evolve larger body size for mate competition, females evolve ways to assess male quality beyond size
  • Males evolve sperm competition tactics, females evolve ways to control sperm use

This conflict extends beyond mating to areas like parental investment, with each sex evolving ways to extract more care from the other while minimizing their own investment. Understanding this evolutionary dynamic provides insight into modern relationship conflicts.

2. Men's desire for sexual variety is a key source of conflict

Men said they wanted 1.87 sex partners over the next month; women expressed a preference for only 0.78, a bit less than a full sex partner.

Mismatch in sexual desires. Men's greater desire for sexual variety is one of the largest and most robust sex differences in psychology. This difference creates conflict because:

  • Men are more likely to seek casual sex and short-term relationships
  • Men are more prone to sexual infidelity
  • Men are more likely to misperceive friendly behavior as sexual interest

This mismatch in desires stems from different reproductive constraints faced by men and women over evolutionary history. For men, multiple partners could directly increase reproductive success. For women, quality of partner was more important than quantity. This evolved difference continues to shape relationship dynamics and sexual conflicts today.

3. Mate value discrepancies fuel relationship struggles

Women married to higher-income men display more vigilant guarding and put more effort into enhancing their own physical attractiveness through makeup and clothing, although this may simply reflect having more money to spend on these items.

Relationship power dynamics. Differences in mate value between partners can create tension and conflict. The partner with higher mate value may:

  • Have more power in the relationship
  • Be more likely to pursue alternative partners
  • Inspire more jealousy and mate retention behaviors from their partner

Mate value is influenced by factors like:

  • Physical attractiveness
  • Resources and status
  • Age and fertility
  • Personality traits

When mate values shift during a relationship (e.g. one partner gains status or loses attractiveness), it can destabilize the dynamic. Understanding these influences can help couples navigate changes and conflicts more effectively.

4. Intimate partner violence stems from evolved mate retention tactics

Male sexual jealousy is the leading cause of the murder of adult women, accounting for between 50 and 70 percent of all such homicides.

Dangerous possessiveness. While most men do not use violence, intimate partner violence can be understood as an extreme and maladaptive expression of evolved mate retention tactics. Key points:

  • Violence is more likely when men perceive a threat to the relationship
  • Triggers include suspected infidelity and attempts by the woman to leave
  • Pregnancy can increase risk of violence, possibly due to paternity uncertainty
  • stepchildren in the home increase risk, as they represent a cost without genetic benefit

This perspective helps explain patterns in domestic violence, like increased risk during separation. However, it does not justify or excuse such behavior. Rather, understanding these impulses can inform more effective prevention and intervention strategies.

5. Stalking behaviors serve reproductive functions for rejected partners

A full 30 percent of women victims agree to meet with their stalkers at their request; 13 percent agree to date them; and 6 percent agree to have sex with them.

Maladaptive persistence. Stalking behaviors, while harmful and often illegal, may have roots in evolved mate retention strategies. Key aspects:

  • Most stalkers are rejected former romantic partners
  • Stalking tactics resemble intense mate guarding behaviors
  • Goals often include reconciliation or preventing the ex-partner from mating with others

Stalking exploit's victims' psychology through:

  • Consuming the victim's time and mental resources
  • Social isolation
  • Creating a negative reinforcement cycle where compliance provides relief

While stalking sometimes "works" from the perpetrator's perspective, it imposes severe costs on victims. Understanding stalking's functional basis can inform better prevention and protection strategies.

6. Sexual coercion exploits women's evolved defenses against rape

Men who score high in Dark Triad traits are much more prone to sexual coercion, especially when combined with the persistent pursuit of a short-term mating strategy.

Predatory exploitation. While most men are not rapists, those who engage in sexual coercion exploit aspects of women's evolved psychology, including:

  • Women's tendency to freeze in threatening situations (tonic immobility)
  • Fear of reputational damage from reporting assaults
  • Difficulty distinguishing coercive from normal courtship in some contexts

Factors increasing risk of perpetration:

  • Dark Triad personality traits (narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy)
  • Short-term mating orientation
  • Hostile attitudes toward women

Understanding these risk factors and how coercion exploits women's defenses can inform better prevention, education, and support for victims.

7. Cultural evolution can help reduce sexual conflict

The rates of physical and sexual violence within mateships have declined dramatically over spans of decades.

Societal progress. While sexual conflict has deep evolutionary roots, cultural evolution offers ways to reduce its harmful expressions:

  • Legal reforms criminalizing marital rape and workplace harassment
  • Changing social norms that condemn sexual violence and coercion
  • Economic changes giving women more independence and options

Examples of progress:

  • Declining rates of intimate partner violence in many countries
  • Increased reporting and prosecution of sexual crimes
  • Workplace policies against sexual harassment

Cultural shifts can change the cost-benefit calculus of sexually coercive behaviors, suppressing their expression even if the underlying psychology remains.

8. Individual differences in Dark Triad traits predict sexual aggression

High-scoring Dark Triad men are more likely to glare at other men who are talking to their mate and threaten them with physical violence—a topic we take up in greater detail in Chapter 5.

Dangerous personalities. While evolutionary psychology explains general patterns in male behavior, individual differences in personality traits strongly predict who is most likely to engage in sexual aggression. Key points:

  • Dark Triad traits: narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy
    These traits are associated with:
    • Sexual deception and manipulation
    • Coercive and aggressive mating tactics
    • Higher rates of infidelity and mate poaching

Understanding these individual differences can help identify high-risk individuals and inform targeted interventions. It also highlights that most men do not pose a significant threat of sexual aggression.

9. Women have evolved multi-layered defenses against sexual coercion

Women's rape fears track their age-linked vulnerability suggests that their anti-rape psychological wisdom may be a better guide than factually incorrect educational materials, however well intended those may be.

Adaptive vigilance. Women have evolved a suite of defenses against sexual coercion, including:

Psychological defenses:

  • Fear and vigilance in high-risk situations
  • Intuitive threat detection
  • Tonic immobility (freezing) when escape is impossible

Behavioral defenses:

  • Avoiding risky situations
  • Traveling in groups
  • Seeking protection from male allies

Social defenses:

  • Reputational concerns limiting risky behavior
  • Coalitions with other women for mutual protection

These evolved defenses help explain patterns in women's behavior and fears around sexual assault. While not always consciously accessible, they often provide good guidance for avoiding dangerous situations.

10. Minding the gap in sexual psychology can foster harmony between sexes

Men need to understand the sexual over-perception bias that afflicts their mating minds. They should know that, most of the time, the women smiling at them are merely being friendly or polite, not signaling sexual interest.

Bridging understanding. Recognizing and respecting differences in male and female sexual psychology can reduce conflict and misunderstanding. Key points:

  • Men tend to overperceive sexual interest from women
  • Women experience greater emotional distress from sexual violations
  • Men and women have different emotional reactions to casual sex

Strategies for harmony:

  • Education about these differences for both sexes
  • Developing empathy for the other sex's perspective
  • Creating cultural norms and institutions that respect these differences

By "minding the gap" in sexual psychology, we can develop more effective ways to reduce sexual conflict and foster healthier relationships between men and women.

Last updated:

FAQ

1. What’s When Men Behave Badly by David M. Buss about?

  • Explores sexual conflict roots: The book investigates the evolutionary origins of sexual deception, harassment, assault, and related behaviors, focusing on how sex differences in psychology create predictable conflicts between men and women.
  • Evolutionary psychology lens: Buss uses evolutionary theory to explain why men and women have different mating strategies and how these differences lead to ongoing coevolutionary “arms races” of offense and defense.
  • Focus on heterosexual dynamics: While primarily examining heterosexual relationships, the book acknowledges research gaps regarding LGBTQ+ populations and calls for further study.
  • Aims for understanding and solutions: The book seeks to deepen empathy for victims, clarify the causes of sexual conflict, and suggest ways to reduce harm.

2. Why should I read When Men Behave Badly by David M. Buss?

  • Scientific explanation of sexual conflict: The book moves beyond cultural or ideological explanations, offering a rigorous, evidence-based account of why sexual conflict and violence occur.
  • Practical insights for modern life: It reveals how ancient sexual psychology misfires in contemporary contexts like online dating, pornography, and gender-integrated workplaces, helping readers navigate these challenges.
  • Empathy and prevention focus: Understanding the evolutionary roots of sexual conflict can foster compassion for victims and inform strategies to prevent harm.
  • Balanced and humane approach: Buss distinguishes between explaining and excusing behavior, emphasizing accountability and the need for better policies.

3. What are the key takeaways from When Men Behave Badly by David M. Buss?

  • Sexual conflict is coevolutionary: Men’s and women’s reproductive interests often clash, leading to ongoing cycles of offense and defense in mating strategies.
  • Dark Triad traits matter: Individuals high in narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy are disproportionately responsible for sexual exploitation and violence.
  • Sex differences drive misunderstandings: Men’s tendency to over-perceive sexual interest and women’s tendency to under-perceive it fuel miscommunication and harassment.
  • Solutions require understanding psychology: Effective prevention and policy must account for evolved sex differences and the psychological mechanisms underlying sexual conflict.

4. What are the main evolutionary concepts in When Men Behave Badly by David M. Buss?

  • Sexual over-perception bias: Men often misinterpret women’s friendliness as sexual interest, especially those pursuing short-term mating strategies.
  • Sex differences in reproductive biology: Men’s low-cost sperm and women’s high-cost eggs, pregnancy, and child-rearing create asymmetrical mating strategies and conflicts.
  • Female evolved defenses: Women have developed multiple strategies—such as seeking allies, vigilance, and tonic immobility—to protect against sexual coercion.
  • Coevolutionary arms race: Male offenses and female defenses have evolved in tandem, shaping the dynamics of sexual conflict.

5. How does When Men Behave Badly by David M. Buss explain the “battle of the sexes” and mating market conflicts?

  • Mating strategy differences: Men generally desire more sexual variety, while women are more selective, leading to conflicting goals and strategic interference.
  • Female choosiness and mate value: Women often prefer men in the top 20% of mate value, leaving many men feeling rejected or “friend-zoned.”
  • Sexual deception and misperception: Men’s over-perception of interest and women’s under-perception complicate communication and increase conflict.
  • Arms race dynamics: These differences create ongoing cycles of offense (e.g., deception) and defense (e.g., choosiness).

6. What role do Dark Triad traits play in sexual conflict according to When Men Behave Badly by David M. Buss?

  • Traits linked to exploitation: Men high in narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy are more likely to harass, assault, or exploit women sexually.
  • Women’s Dark Triad behaviors: Women with these traits may engage in mate poaching or use sex instrumentally for resources or status.
  • Explains within-sex variation: The Dark Triad accounts for why some individuals are much more prone to harmful sexual behaviors than others, beyond average sex differences.
  • Targeting high-risk individuals: Recognizing these traits can help in prevention and risk reduction strategies.

7. How does When Men Behave Badly by David M. Buss address sexual coercion and rape?

  • No evolved rape adaptation: Buss finds no evidence for specialized psychological mechanisms for rape; sexual coercion is seen as a byproduct of other mating strategies and traits.
  • Profile of perpetrators: Rapists tend to have high Dark Triad traits, hostility toward women, impulsivity, and a preference for short-term mating.
  • Evolutionary mismatch in fear: Women’s fear of stranger rape is evolutionarily ancient but often mismatched to modern realities, as most rapes are by acquaintances.
  • Impact on victims: Sexual coercion causes severe psychological trauma, including PTSD, and motivates evolved defenses.

8. What does When Men Behave Badly by David M. Buss say about stalking and revenge porn?

  • Stalking as mate retention: Stalking is often a desperate attempt by rejected men to regain access to former partners, sometimes escalating to violence.
  • Revenge porn’s impact: Posting explicit images without consent devastates victims’ reputations, triggers further harassment, and causes anxiety and depression.
  • Legal and social responses: Laws against revenge porn and stalking exist but are often insufficient; victims are advised to seek social support and legal remedies.
  • Psychological toll: Victims of stalking and revenge porn experience fear, isolation, and long-term psychological harm.

9. How does When Men Behave Badly by David M. Buss explain intimate partner violence (IPV)?

  • Functional logic of IPV: IPV is often a last-resort mate-retention tactic, especially by men facing resource or mate-value discrepancies.
  • Dark Triad and personality disorders: Men high in Dark Triad traits or borderline personality disorder are more likely to perpetrate IPV due to fear of abandonment and poor impulse control.
  • Victim psychology hijacked: IPV lowers women’s self-esteem, induces shame, and traps them in abusive relationships by shifting their welfare priorities.
  • Cultural and social factors: While patriarchy and social learning play roles, evolutionary roots explain why IPV occurs even in egalitarian societies.

10. What defenses and coping strategies against sexual coercion and stalking does When Men Behave Badly by David M. Buss recommend?

  • Social support and vigilance: Victims should enlist friends and family as allies, document incidents, and minimize contact with perpetrators.
  • Physical and technological security: Securing homes, using alarms and cameras, and carrying self-defense tools can help deter attackers.
  • Legal action: Reporting to police, obtaining restraining orders, and, in extreme cases, changing identity or location may be necessary.
  • Empowerment through knowledge: Understanding risks and evolved psychology enables more effective personal and collective defenses.

11. How does When Men Behave Badly by David M. Buss address cultural and social aspects of patriarchy and sexual violence?

  • Institutionalized patriarchy: Historical laws and norms granted men control over women’s bodies, though these are eroding in many societies.
  • Changing social norms: Movements like #MeToo and stricter workplace policies are reducing tolerance for harassment and abuse.
  • Psychological foundations: Men’s evolved motivations for status and control, and women’s mate preferences for resource-holding men, have shaped patriarchal institutions.
  • Potential for change: As women gain resources and legal protections, mate preferences and social structures can shift toward greater equality.

12. What are the best quotes from When Men Behave Badly by David M. Buss and what do they mean?

  • “Sexual conflict is mostly about individual men and individual women interfering with each other…” Highlights the complexity of sexual conflict as individual, not just group, dynamics.
  • “Men are one long breeding experiment run by women.” Emphasizes the evolutionary arms race where men evolve traits to attract women, and women evolve counter-strategies.
  • “There is no adaptive value of sexual conflict per se.” Sexual conflict is costly for both sexes but persists due to conflicting reproductive interests.
  • “Jealousy is the most dangerous emotion.” Underlines jealousy’s role in mate retention and its link to violence.
  • “Violence against women is never acceptable, never excusable, never tolerable.” Reinforces the book’s moral stance that understanding causes does not justify abuse.

Review Summary

4.10 out of 5
Average of 500+ ratings from Goodreads and Amazon.

When Men Behave Badly explores sexual conflict between men and women from an evolutionary perspective, examining topics like harassment, violence, and deception. Buss presents empirical evidence for gender differences in mating strategies and explains how these can lead to conflict. Some readers found the book insightful and important, while others criticized it for potentially excusing bad behavior or lacking compassion. Many praised Buss's scientific approach but noted the book's content can be disturbing. Overall, reviewers saw it as a significant contribution to understanding human sexual behavior, despite its controversial nature.

Your rating:
4.53
24 ratings

About the Author

David M. Buss is a renowned evolutionary psychologist and professor at the University of Texas at Austin. He earned his PhD from UC Berkeley in 1981 and has held positions at Harvard and the University of Michigan. Buss's research focuses on human mating strategies, sexual conflict, and related topics from an evolutionary perspective. He has authored numerous scientific articles and books, including "The Evolution of Desire" and "Evolutionary Psychology: The New Science of the Mind." Buss has received several awards for his work and is known for his cross-cultural research collaborations. His expertise in evolutionary psychology has made him a leading figure in the field, contributing significantly to our understanding of human behavior and relationships.

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