He Comes Next

1. What is "He Comes Next" by Ian Kerner about?

• A thinking woman’s guide: The book is a comprehensive guide for women who want to better understand and pleasure their male partners, focusing on both physical techniques and the psychological aspects of male sexuality.
• Beyond sex tips: Kerner aims to provide more than just sexual techniques; he offers a vision for a more connected, mutually satisfying sexual relationship.
• Male sexuality demystified: The book explores the complexity of male desire, arousal, and emotional needs, debunking myths and stereotypes about men being simple or always ready for sex.
• Empowerment and equality: It positions women as empowered partners who can lead, innovate, and inspire better sex for both themselves and their partners.

2. Why should I read "He Comes Next" by Ian Kerner?

• Level up your sex life: The book offers actionable advice for women who want to enhance intimacy, pleasure, and communication in their relationships.
• Understand the male perspective: It provides rare insight into the male sexual experience, including anxieties, desires, and the impact of cultural pressures.
• Move beyond clichés: Kerner challenges the idea that men are easy to please or only care about intercourse, showing that men are as complex and emotionally driven as women.
• Mutual satisfaction focus: The book emphasizes that great sex is about shared pleasure, not just male gratification, and that women’s enjoyment is central to a fulfilling sex life.

3. What are the key takeaways from "He Comes Next" by Ian Kerner?

• Male sexuality is complex: Men’s sexual needs and anxieties are often misunderstood or oversimplified; understanding them leads to better intimacy.
• Communication is crucial: Open, honest conversations about desires, fantasies, and insecurities are essential for a satisfying sex life.
• Foreplay and coreplay matter: Kerner redefines foreplay as an ongoing, essential part of sexual connection, not just a prelude to intercourse.
• Pleasure is mutual: The best sex happens when both partners are engaged, present, and focused on each other’s enjoyment, not just the end goal of orgasm.

4. How does Ian Kerner define and address male sexual anxiety in "He Comes Next"?

• Spectatoring and performance pressure: Kerner discusses how men often become self-conscious during sex, worrying about performance, size, and stamina, which can inhibit pleasure.
• Impact of porn and pharmaceuticals: The book explores how porn and drugs like Viagra can increase anxiety by setting unrealistic standards for male sexuality.
• Encouraging vulnerability: Kerner advocates for creating a safe space where men can let go of control, be vulnerable, and experience deeper pleasure.
• Role of the partner: Women are encouraged to reassure, communicate, and help men move beyond performance anxiety by focusing on connection and enjoyment.

5. What is the "shaky bridge" concept in "He Comes Next" by Ian Kerner?

• Origin in psychology: The "shaky bridge" refers to a psychological study where heightened excitement (from crossing a shaky bridge) increased sexual attraction, illustrating the power of novelty and adrenaline in desire.
• Metaphor for relationships: Kerner uses the shaky bridge as a metaphor for the excitement and risk that can reignite passion in long-term relationships.
• Practical application: He encourages couples to seek out new, thrilling, or slightly risky experiences together to stimulate desire and keep sex fresh.
• Empowering women: The "woman on the shaky bridge" is a symbol of a woman who understands and leverages the psychology of desire to create lasting attraction.

6. What are the main myths about male sexuality that "He Comes Next" by Ian Kerner debunks?

• Men are always ready for sex: The book shows that men’s desire is not constant and can be affected by stress, emotional connection, and relationship dynamics.
• Size is everything: Kerner explains that penis size is less important than most people think, and emotional connection and technique matter more.
• Men don’t need foreplay: The book argues that men benefit from and enjoy extended foreplay, sensual touch, and emotional intimacy.
• Men don’t have sexual insecurities: Kerner reveals that men often worry about performance, pleasing their partners, and being "normal," just like women do.

7. How does "He Comes Next" by Ian Kerner explain the male sexual response cycle?

• Five stages of response: The book covers desire, arousal, plateau, orgasm, and resolution, emphasizing that desire is not just the starting point but weaves throughout.
• Three types of erections: Kerner details psychogenic (mental), reflex (physical), and nocturnal (spontaneous) erections, each playing a role in male arousal.
• Orgasm vs. ejaculation: He clarifies that orgasm and ejaculation are related but distinct processes, and men can experience different types of orgasms.
• Importance of slowing down: The book encourages slowing the process to maximize pleasure and intimacy, rather than rushing to orgasm.

8. What practical techniques and advice does Ian Kerner offer for pleasuring a man in "He Comes Next"?

• Focus on the whole body: Kerner advocates for exploring the entire male pelvis and body, not just the penis, to enhance pleasure.
• Manual and oral techniques: The book provides detailed, step-by-step advice for manual stimulation, oral sex, and integrating these with emotional connection.
• Building anticipation: Techniques include teasing, varying touch, and using non-genital stimulation to build arousal before direct stimulation.
• Encouraging male submission: Kerner suggests that allowing men to be passive, tied up, or blindfolded can be highly pleasurable and help them let go.

9. How does "He Comes Next" by Ian Kerner address the role of fantasy and communication in sexual satisfaction?

• Fantasy as a healthy tool: The book normalizes sexual fantasy for both partners, emphasizing that it’s natural and can enhance intimacy.
• Overcoming guilt and shame: Kerner discusses how cultural and personal inhibitions can block the enjoyment of fantasy, and encourages open, nonjudgmental sharing.
• Practical exercises: He offers exercises for couples to safely share and explore fantasies, such as the "I want" statements and "I had a dream" technique.
• Fantasy fuels desire: Embracing and communicating about fantasies can break routine and reignite passion in long-term relationships.

10. What is the difference between "foreplay" and "coreplay" in "He Comes Next" by Ian Kerner?

• Redefining foreplay: Kerner argues that foreplay should not be seen as a mere prelude to intercourse, but as an essential, ongoing part of sexual connection.
• Coreplay concept: "Coreplay" is Kerner’s term for all non-intercourse sexual activities (manual, oral, sensual touch) that are valuable in their own right.
• Mutual pleasuring: The book encourages couples to see all forms of sexual activity as equally important, moving away from a hierarchy that puts intercourse at the top.
• Expanding the menu: By embracing coreplay, couples can keep sex varied, creative, and satisfying for both partners.

11. How does "He Comes Next" by Ian Kerner suggest couples can keep sex exciting in long-term relationships?

• Novelty and risk: Kerner recommends introducing new experiences, settings, and playful risks (the "shaky bridge" approach) to stimulate desire.
• Role of anticipation: Building sexual anticipation outside the bedroom through flirting, sexting, or planning surprises can reignite passion.
• Exploring fantasies together: Sharing and sometimes acting on fantasies keeps the relationship dynamic and prevents boredom.
• Continuous communication: Regular, honest conversations about desires, boundaries, and satisfaction help couples adapt and grow together sexually.

12. What are the best quotes from "He Comes Next" by Ian Kerner and what do they mean?

• "Sex is about expanding who we are, what we want, and what we think we want in the most incredibly intimate way."
  • This quote encapsulates Kerner’s belief that sex is a journey of mutual growth, discovery, and self-expansion, not just a physical act.
• "The sex you give is only as good as the sex you get."
  • Kerner emphasizes that mutual pleasure and satisfaction are essential; one partner’s enjoyment enhances the other’s.
• "Great sex isn’t about techniques or knowing what works; it’s about knowing how and why it works."
  • The book prioritizes understanding, communication, and emotional connection over rote sexual tricks or positions.
• "You’re not simply going to play the part of the woman on the shaky bridge; you are the woman on the shaky bridge."
  • This quote encourages women to embrace their power, creativity, and agency in shaping their sexual relationships.