Fair Play

1. Invisible Labor Undermines Relationships

Resentment grows out of perceived unfairness.

The unseen burden. Women disproportionately shoulder the "invisible work" of managing a household and raising children, including mental load, emotional labor, and the second shift. This imbalance leads to exhaustion, resentment, and feelings of isolation in their relationships.

Societal impact. This unequal distribution of labor also affects women's career trajectories, contributing to the pay gap and limiting their opportunities for advancement. The constant mental load and the need to be "on call" for family responsibilities make it difficult for women to fully commit to their professional lives.

Recognizing the problem. Sociologists and researchers have been naming and articulating these inequities for decades, but a practical and sustainable solution has remained elusive. The first step towards change is acknowledging the imbalance and understanding its impact on both partners.

2. Time Equality: The Foundation of Fairness

All time is created equal.

Challenging the status quo. A core principle of Fair Play is recognizing that everyone's time is equally valuable, regardless of whether it's spent earning a paycheck or caring for the family. This challenges the traditional notion that men's time is finite and women's time is infinite.

Shifting attitudes. To achieve true equity, both partners must reframe their thinking about time and commit to rebalancing the hours spent on domestic work. This requires an attitude adjustment, especially for men who may have internalized the idea that their time is more valuable because they are the primary breadwinners.

Toxic time messages. Overcoming toxic time messages, such as "time is money" or "you don't work, you have more time," is crucial for creating a more equitable division of labor. These messages devalue the work done in service of the home and perpetuate the imbalance.

3. Reclaiming Your Right to Be Interesting

I believe I lost my permission to be interesting.

Beyond roles. Many women lose their sense of identity and purpose outside of their roles as partners and parents. Reclaiming the right to be interesting involves reconnecting with passions, hobbies, and skills that make them uniquely themselves.

The permission paradox. Women often feel they need permission from their partners, families, or society to pursue their interests, leading to a loss of autonomy and fulfillment. Breaking free from this paradox requires prioritizing their own needs and desires.

Unicorn Space. Creating "Unicorn Space," time dedicated to pursuing personal passions, is essential for maintaining a sense of self and preventing burnout. This space allows individuals to recharge, explore their creativity, and bring more energy and enthusiasm to their relationships and families.

4. Start Where You Are: Assess and Acknowledge

It all starts with a game changer. Only one person has to initiate change to proactively change the entire system.

Taking the first step. Initiating change requires acknowledging the current imbalance and committing to finding a more equitable solution. This involves assessing the current division of labor and identifying areas where one partner is carrying a disproportionate share of the load.

Fair Play personality types. Recognizing your own Fair Play personality type, such as the New Superwoman, Accidental Traditionalist, or Collaborator, can provide valuable insights into your tendencies and behaviors. Understanding your partner's type can also help you tailor your approach to communication and negotiation.

Defining your intention. Clarifying your intention for engaging in Fair Play is crucial for setting a clear direction and staying motivated throughout the process. This involves identifying what you hope to achieve, such as reducing resentment, reclaiming your time, or creating a more fulfilling partnership.

5. The 100 Cards: Quantifying Domestic Responsibilities

I make a living. I make her life. Why do I have to do dishes, too?

Making the invisible visible. The Fair Play system uses 100 task cards to represent all the invisible tasks that go into running a home and raising a family. These cards are organized into five suits: Home, Out, Caregiving, Magic, and Wild.

Understanding the workload. By enumerating and categorizing these tasks, couples can gain a clearer understanding of the full scope of domestic responsibilities and identify areas where the workload is unevenly distributed. This process helps to make the invisible visible and allows for a more informed discussion about fairness.

Daily Grinds. The Daily Grind cards represent the repetitive, time-sensitive tasks that must be done regularly, such as meal preparation, school drop-off, and bedtime routines. These tasks often fall disproportionately on women and can contribute to feelings of exhaustion and overwhelm.

6. Conceive, Plan, Execute: The Fair Play Framework

What gets measured gets managed.

Taking ownership. The Fair Play system emphasizes the importance of taking full ownership of a task, which involves Conceiving, Planning, and Executing every aspect of it. This goes beyond simply "helping out" and requires taking responsibility for the entire process.

Conception, Planning, Execution (CPE).

• Conceive: Recognizing the need for a task and defining its scope.
• Planning: Creating a detailed action plan and gathering necessary resources.
• Execution: Carrying out the plan and completing the task to the agreed-upon standard.

Avoiding CPE Break-Ups. When one partner handles the Conception and Planning while the other handles the Execution, it can lead to miscommunication, frustration, and resentment. The goal is for one person to take full responsibility for all three aspects of the task.

7. Establish a Minimum Standard of Care

We should each do the things we’re best at.

Defining expectations. Establishing a Minimum Standard of Care (MSC) involves setting clear and mutually agreed-upon expectations for how each task will be performed. This helps to prevent misunderstandings and ensures that both partners are on the same page.

The Reasonable Person Test. When disagreements arise about the MSC, couples can use the Reasonable Person Test to determine what is considered acceptable within their home. This involves asking: Would a reasonable person under similar circumstances do as I've done?

Shared values. The MSC should be aligned with the couple's shared values and traditions. This ensures that the standards are meaningful and contribute to the overall well-being of the family.

8. Unicorn Space: Nurturing Individual Identity

Finally, I got the kick in the butt I needed to realize my potential beyond being a wife and mom.

Beyond partnership and parenting. Unicorn Space is time dedicated to pursuing personal passions and interests outside of work and family responsibilities. This space is essential for maintaining a sense of identity, preventing burnout, and bringing more energy and enthusiasm to the relationship.

The Permission Paradox. Women often feel they need permission from their partners or society to prioritize their own needs, leading to a loss of fulfillment. Breaking free from this paradox requires prioritizing their own well-being and recognizing the value of their individual pursuits.

Sharing with the world. Unicorn Space is not just about self-care; it's about sharing your unique gifts and talents with the world. This can involve pursuing creative projects, volunteering, or engaging in activities that contribute to something larger than yourself.

9. The Weekly Check-In: Maintaining Balance

Finally, I got the kick in the butt I needed to realize my potential beyond being a wife and mom.

Regular communication. The weekly check-in is a dedicated time for couples to discuss their domestic workload, address any challenges, and make adjustments to the Fair Play system. This regular communication is crucial for maintaining balance and preventing resentment from building up.

Setting the agenda. During the check-in, couples should review the cards they are currently holding, discuss any difficulties they are experiencing, and re-deal cards as needed. This is also an opportunity to acknowledge and appreciate each other's efforts.

Creating a safe space. The check-in should be a safe and supportive environment where both partners feel comfortable expressing their needs and concerns. This requires active listening, empathy, and a willingness to compromise.

10. Common Pitfalls and Fair Play Fixes

Your OBGYN need only recommend two things: folic acid and Fair Play.

Avoiding common mistakes. Even with the best intentions, couples can fall into common pitfalls that threaten to derail the Fair Play system. These include:

• The CPE Break-Up: Failing to take full ownership of a task
• The RAT F*ck: Issuing random assignments of tasks
• The Double-Up: Both partners attempting to do the same task
• Going Rogue: Making unilateral decisions without consulting your partner
• Standards Slip: Failing to adhere to the agreed-upon Minimum Standard of Care
• Toxic Time Messages: Devaluing one partner's time or contributions
• Believing Systems Aren't Fun: Resisting structure and organization
• Playing by the Numbers: Focusing on card count rather than fairness
• Currency of Consequences: Using rewards and punishments to enforce compliance
• Resentment of the Happiness Trio: Resenting your partner's time for self-care and personal pursuits
• Skipping the Values Step: Failing to identify and prioritize shared values

Implementing Fair Play Fixes. By recognizing these pitfalls and implementing the corresponding Fair Play Fixes, couples can overcome challenges and maintain a more equitable and fulfilling relationship.

Last updated: February 28, 2025