Feeling Good

1. Your thoughts, not external events, create your emotions

"You feel the way you do right now because of the thoughts you are thinking at this moment."

Cognitive model of emotions. The core principle of cognitive therapy is that our emotions are not directly caused by events in our lives, but by our interpretations of those events. This means that two people can experience the same situation but feel entirely differently about it based on their thoughts.

Power of perception. Our perceptions shape our emotional reality. For example, if you receive criticism at work, you might feel devastated if you think "This proves I'm incompetent," or you might feel motivated if you think "This is an opportunity to improve." By recognizing this connection between thoughts and feelings, we gain the power to change our emotional experiences.

Practical implications. This principle empowers us to take control of our emotional lives. Instead of feeling at the mercy of external circumstances, we can learn to identify and modify our thought patterns to create more positive emotional states. This doesn't mean denying reality or forcing positive thinking, but rather developing a more balanced and realistic perspective.

2. Identify and challenge cognitive distortions to improve mood

"Depression is not an emotional disorder at all! Every bad feeling you have is the result of your distorted negative thinking."

Common cognitive distortions. Dr. Burns identifies several common patterns of distorted thinking that contribute to negative emotions:

• All-or-nothing thinking
• Overgeneralization
• Mental filter
• Discounting the positive
• Jumping to conclusions
• Magnification or minimization
• Emotional reasoning
• Should statements
• Labeling
• Personalization

Recognizing distortions. The first step in overcoming these distortions is to become aware of them in your own thinking. This requires developing the habit of observing your thoughts, especially when you're feeling upset or depressed.

Challenging distorted thoughts. Once you've identified a distorted thought, the next step is to challenge it with more rational, balanced thinking. This doesn't mean replacing negative thoughts with unrealistically positive ones, but rather with thoughts that are more accurate and helpful. Techniques like the "triple-column technique" can be useful tools for this process.

3. Build self-esteem through self-acceptance, not achievements

"Self-worth based on accomplishments is a 'pseudo-esteem,' not the genuine thing!"

Dangers of conditional self-worth. Many people base their self-esteem on external factors like achievements, appearance, or others' approval. This creates a fragile sense of self-worth that's vulnerable to every setback or criticism.

Self-acceptance as the foundation. True self-esteem comes from accepting yourself unconditionally, regardless of your accomplishments or failures. This doesn't mean ignoring areas for improvement, but rather recognizing your inherent worth as a human being.

Practicing self-acceptance. Techniques for building genuine self-esteem include:

• Challenging negative self-talk
• Focusing on personal growth rather than comparison to others
• Practicing self-compassion
• Recognizing and appreciating your positive qualities
• Setting realistic goals and celebrating small victories

4. Combat depression by taking action, not waiting for motivation

"Motivation does not come first, action does!"

The motivation myth. Many people believe they need to feel motivated before they can take action. However, this often leads to a cycle of inaction and worsening mood.

Action precedes motivation. The reality is that taking action, even small steps, can create motivation and improve mood. This is because:

• Action provides a sense of accomplishment
• It breaks the cycle of rumination and negative thinking
• It often leads to positive experiences that boost mood

Strategies for taking action:

• Break tasks into small, manageable steps
• Use a "Daily Activity Schedule" to plan and track activities
• Set realistic goals and reward yourself for achieving them
• Practice "anti-procrastination" techniques like the "two-minute rule"
• Focus on the process rather than the outcome

5. Learn to handle criticism and disapproval without losing self-worth

"There has never been a single time in your life when the critical comments of some other person upset you—even to a small extent."

Reframing criticism. Criticism only hurts when we accept it as true and let it define our self-worth. By recognizing that others' opinions are just that – opinions – we can maintain our self-esteem even in the face of disapproval.

Techniques for handling criticism:

• Use the "disarming technique" to find truth in criticism without internalizing it
• Practice empathy to understand the critic's perspective
• Separate the criticism of your actions from criticism of your worth as a person
• Use criticism as an opportunity for growth and learning

Building internal validation. Ultimately, the goal is to develop a strong sense of self-worth that isn't dependent on others' approval. This involves practicing self-acceptance and learning to validate your own experiences and emotions.

6. Overcome the need for constant love and approval from others

"Love is not an adult human need!"

The approval addiction. Many people believe they need constant love and approval from others to be happy. This creates a dependency that can lead to anxiety, depression, and unfulfilling relationships.

Challenging the need for approval. Dr. Burns argues that while love and approval are pleasant, they are not necessities for adult happiness and well-being. By recognizing this, we can free ourselves from the constant need for external validation.

Developing independence:

• Practice enjoying activities alone
• Set personal goals and standards, rather than always seeking others' approval
• Learn to validate your own emotions and experiences
• Cultivate a diverse range of interests and relationships
• Practice self-compassion and self-acceptance

7. Redefine success and self-worth beyond career achievements

"Your work is not your worth."

The achievement trap. Many people, especially in Western cultures, equate their self-worth with their career achievements. This can lead to workaholism, burnout, and a fragile sense of self-esteem that crumbles with any setback.

Expanding the definition of success. True fulfillment comes from a balanced life that includes:

• Meaningful relationships
• Personal growth and learning
• Contribution to others
• Enjoyment and leisure
• Physical and mental health
• Alignment with personal values

Practical steps:

• Identify and challenge beliefs that link self-worth to achievement
• Set goals in multiple life areas, not just career
• Practice mindfulness to appreciate the present moment
• Regularly reflect on what truly matters to you
• Celebrate non-career-related accomplishments and qualities

8. Use empathy and assertiveness to manage anger effectively

"Anger, like all emotions, is created by your cognitions."

Understanding anger. Anger is often triggered by the perception of unfairness or injustice. However, our interpretations of events, not the events themselves, create our anger.

Empathy as an antidote. By trying to understand the other person's perspective, we can often defuse our anger. This doesn't mean excusing bad behavior, but rather recognizing the humanity in others.

Assertive communication. Instead of suppressing anger or lashing out, learn to express your needs and boundaries clearly and respectfully. Techniques include:

• Using "I" statements to express feelings
• Focusing on specific behaviors rather than character attacks
• Proposing solutions rather than just complaining
• Listening actively to the other person's perspective
• Negotiating compromises when possible

9. Cope with loss and change through realistic thinking

"Sadness is a normal emotion created by realistic perceptions that describe a negative event involving loss or disappointment in an undistorted way."

Differentiating sadness from depression. Sadness is a normal, healthy response to loss. Depression often involves distorted thinking that magnifies and prolongs emotional pain.

Accepting change and loss. Realistic thinking involves:

• Acknowledging the reality of the loss
• Allowing yourself to feel sad without judgment
• Recognizing that change is a normal part of life
• Finding meaning and growth opportunities in difficult experiences

Coping strategies:

• Practice mindfulness to stay present with emotions without getting overwhelmed
• Challenge unrealistic expectations about how quickly you "should" recover
• Maintain routines and self-care practices
• Seek support from others while also developing self-reliance
• Focus on what you can control in your current situation

10. Practice self-care and self-compassion to maintain mental health

"You cannot earn worth through what you do."

The importance of self-care. Mental health requires ongoing maintenance, just like physical health. This involves attending to your physical, emotional, and psychological needs.

Self-compassion vs. self-criticism. Many people believe that being hard on themselves will lead to improvement. However, research shows that self-compassion is actually more effective for motivation and resilience.

Practical self-care strategies:

• Prioritize sleep, nutrition, and exercise
• Set boundaries to protect your time and energy
• Practice relaxation techniques like meditation or deep breathing
• Engage in activities that bring you joy and meaning
• Cultivate supportive relationships
• Regularly practice gratitude and positive self-talk
• Seek professional help when needed

Last updated: September 26, 2024