Have a New Husband by Friday

1. Men and Women Are Different, Embrace It

There’s definitely a difference between how men and women communicate.

Equality vs. Sameness. The book emphasizes that equality doesn't mean sameness. Men and women have distinct brains, body chemistry, and emotional responses. Understanding these differences is crucial for a satisfying marriage. For example, men's brains are often more logic-oriented and focused on facts, while women's brains are more feeling-oriented and attuned to non-verbal cues.

Communication Styles. Men and women communicate differently. Women often "shaaarrre" details and emotions, while men tend to communicate more directly and concisely. The book illustrates this with anecdotes about women sharing engagement news with excitement and detail, while men simply acknowledge it.

Rules to Live By. The book provides three rules for women to live by: 1. He’s your husband, not your girlfriend. 2. He doesn’t and never will think like you do. 3. He’s equal but not the same. By accepting these differences, women can avoid frustration and build a stronger connection with their husbands.

2. Understand Your Husband's Boyhood to Understand the Man

If you want to know about your man, look at his mama.

The Impact of Childhood. A man's experiences as a little boy, particularly his relationship with his mother and his interactions with male peers, profoundly shape who he becomes as a husband. The book highlights the challenges boys face during preadolescence, including competition, physical development, and social pressures.

Mother's Influence. The way a man's mother treated him, whether she was overprotective, driven, or disciplining, significantly impacts his attitudes toward women and his expectations in marriage. For example, a man with an overprotective mother may struggle with independence and decision-making.

Observe and Learn. The book encourages women to observe their husbands in their natural environment and to learn about their childhoods. By understanding the creature that is your husband and observing him in his habitat can be extremely helpful in increasing your understanding of him as a male. This understanding can lead to greater empathy and more effective communication.

3. Respect, Need, and Fulfillment: The Keys to a Man's Heart

A man needs to feel your respect in order to love you the way you want to be loved.

Three Core Needs. The book identifies three core needs that men have in marriage: respect, to be needed, and fulfillment. These needs are presented in a specific order of importance.

Respect is Paramount. Respect is the #1 need for men. Men need to feel valued and appreciated for their capabilities and contributions. The book emphasizes that a man who feels disrespected by his wife will withdraw and become less engaged in the relationship.

Need to Be Needed. Men have a God-given drive to provide, help, and solve problems. When a woman shows her husband that she needs him, she taps into this drive and makes him feel valued. The book encourages women to ask for their husband's help with specific tasks and to express gratitude for their efforts.

Sexual Fulfillment. Sexual fulfillment is extremely important to a man. It affirms his masculinity and intensifies his drive to protect, care for, and love his wife. The book emphasizes that sexual fulfillment is not just about sex, but about being a willing and enthusiastic partner.

4. Communicate Effectively: Less Is More

If you take away anything from this chapter, let it be this one principle: the pathway to your husband’s heart and mind is equidistant.

Linear vs. Circular Communication. Men tend to think and communicate in a linear, lockstep fashion, while women often communicate in a more circular and detailed manner. The book advises women to be concise and to get to the point quickly when talking to their husbands.

Avoid Unnecessary Questions. The book cautions against asking questions when you already know the answer or when the question is accusatory. For example, asking "Did you mean to put the garbage out early?" is likely to put a man on the defensive.

Say It Once, Then Skip the Nagging. The book recommends a three-step process for getting a man to do something: 1. Say it once. 2. Turn your back and walk away. 3. Resist the temptation to remind him. This approach respects a man's autonomy and allows him to take ownership of the task.

5. Sex Is More Than Just Physical: It's Validation

Sexual fulfillment affirms the very core of who a man is—it affirms his masculinity.

Affirmation of Masculinity. Sex is more than just a physical act for men; it's a validation of their masculinity and their ability to satisfy their partner. The book emphasizes that sexual fulfillment intensifies a man's drive to protect, care for, and love his wife.

Willingness and Enthusiasm. Men need their wives to be willing and enthusiastic sexual partners. The book cautions against "going through the motions" and encourages women to take the initiative and pursue their husbands sexually.

Sexual Fulfillment and Marital Satisfaction. The book asserts that a couple's satisfaction with their marriage is often reflected in the health of their sex life. A fulfilling sex life can be a powerful tool for resolving conflict and strengthening the bond between husband and wife.

6. The Power of a Woman: You Are His Music

He wants to be a good husband. He wants to please you. But he doesn’t know how to do that. He needs your help.

Influence and Guidance. The book emphasizes the tremendous influence that women have over their husbands. By providing guidance, encouragement, and support, women can help their husbands become the men they are intended to be.

Acceptance and Belonging. Men long for acceptance, belonging, and companionship from their wives. They need to know that they are loved unconditionally and that they have a solid place in their wife's world.

The Power of Words. The words a woman uses with her husband can have a profound impact on his self-esteem and his desire to please her. The book encourages women to use words of affirmation, respect, and appreciation to build up their husbands.

7. Address Disrespect and Abuse: Draw the Line

You are never to be some guy’s punching bag—physically, sexually, emotionally, or verbally—even if that guy is your husband.

Zero Tolerance for Abuse. The book draws a firm line against any form of abuse, whether physical, sexual, emotional, or verbal. It emphasizes that women should never tolerate being treated as a doormat or a punching bag.

Legal and Financial Protection. The book advises women in abusive relationships to take steps to protect themselves legally and financially. This may involve seeking legal counsel, separating finances, and developing an escape plan.

Standing Up for Yourself. The book encourages women to stand up for themselves and to assert their worth. This may involve setting boundaries, saying no, and refusing to tolerate disrespectful behavior.

8. Mutual Submission: The Foundation of a Strong Marriage

Marriage, at its core, is all about respect for the other person—and respect goes both ways.

Rejecting the Unisex Rip-off. The book challenges the notion that equality means sameness. It argues that men and women are equal but different, and that their differences can be a source of strength in marriage.

The Importance of Respect. The book emphasizes that respect is the foundation of a strong marriage. Both husband and wife need to feel respected, valued, and appreciated for who they are.

Mutual Submission. The book advocates for mutual submission, where both husband and wife put the other's needs first. This involves making joint decisions, communicating openly, and showing love and respect on a daily basis.

Last updated: April 14, 2025