How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (The How To Talk Series)

1. Acknowledge children's feelings to foster understanding and connection

When children hear themselves discussed this way, they feel like objects—possessions of their parents.

Listening is key. When children express strong emotions, resist the urge to deny, minimize, or fix their feelings. Instead, give them your full attention and acknowledge what they're experiencing. This helps them feel understood and respected.

Use reflective language. Repeat back what you hear using phrases like "You sound..." or "It seems like..." This shows you're truly listening and helps the child clarify their own emotions.

Avoid questions and advice. Questions can feel like an interrogation, while advice dismisses the child's ability to solve problems. Simply being present and empathetic is often the most helpful response.

2. Engage cooperation through descriptive language and choices

To people at a wedding, old jeans seem like a mark of disrespect. To them it's as if you're saying, 'This wedding isn't important!'

Describe, don't command. Instead of giving orders, describe what you see or the problem at hand. This engages the child's own problem-solving abilities.

Offer choices. Giving children options within acceptable boundaries helps them feel a sense of control and reduces resistance.

Use information, not criticism. Explain the reasons behind rules or requests. This helps children understand and cooperate willingly.

• Example: "The milk is still on the counter" instead of "You always forget to put things away!"
• Choices: "Would you like to wear your red shirt or your blue one?"
• Information: "Dirty clothes on the floor get stepped on and stay dirty"

3. Replace punishment with problem-solving and natural consequences

By punishing a child we actually deprive him of the very important inner process of facing his own misbehavior.

Focus on solutions. Instead of punishing, involve the child in finding ways to make amends or prevent future issues.

Allow natural consequences. Let children experience the results of their actions when safe to do so. This teaches more effectively than imposed punishments.

Express disapproval without attacking. Clearly state your feelings and expectations without insulting or belittling the child.

• Problem-solving steps:
  1. Talk about the child's feelings
  2. Share your own feelings
  3. Brainstorm solutions together
  4. Write down all ideas
  5. Choose a solution to try

4. Encourage autonomy by letting children make decisions

Sometimes just having someone understand how much you want something makes reality easier to bear.

Offer age-appropriate choices. Let children make decisions about things that affect them directly, within reasonable limits.

Respect their struggles. Avoid rushing to help or solve problems for children. Express confidence in their ability to handle challenges.

Encourage outside resources. Show children they can find answers and assistance beyond their parents.

• Examples of fostering autonomy:
  • "Do you want to wear your coat or bring it with you?"
  • "That math problem looks tricky. I'm confident you'll figure it out."
  • "I wonder if the librarian could help you find information for your project?"

5. Use descriptive praise to build self-esteem

The child who hears the words for what she is experiencing is deeply comforted. Someone has acknowledged her inner experience.

Be specific and genuine. Instead of vague praise like "good job," describe exactly what you see or appreciate about the child's actions or efforts.

Focus on the process, not just results. Praise effort, strategies, and improvement to foster a growth mindset.

Let children draw their own conclusions. After hearing your description, children often praise themselves, which is more powerful than external praise.

• Examples of descriptive praise:
  • "I see you put all your toys away without being reminded. That shows responsibility."
  • "You kept trying different approaches until you solved that puzzle. That's persistence!"
  • "Your painting has so many bright colors. Tell me about it."

6. Help children break free from limiting roles

Never underestimate the power of your words upon a young person's life!

Challenge negative labels. Avoid casting children in roles like "the lazy one" or "the troublemaker." These can become self-fulfilling prophecies.

Highlight new behaviors. Point out when children act contrary to their usual role, helping them see themselves in a new light.

Create opportunities for growth. Put children in situations where they can demonstrate new skills or traits.

• Strategies to break roles:
  • Use "you" statements: "You found a way to solve that problem peacefully."
  • Share positive observations with others in the child's hearing
  • Assign responsibilities that challenge the child's perceived limitations

7. Express your own feelings and needs clearly

I don't like that. Despite your strong feelings, I expect sportsmanship from you.

Use "I" statements. Express your feelings and needs without attacking or blaming the child.

Be honest about your emotions. It's okay for children to see that adults have a range of feelings too.

State your expectations clearly. Let children know what behavior you need to see, not just what you don't want.

• Examples:
  • "I feel frustrated when I see toys left on the floor. I need help picking them up."
  • "I'm feeling overwhelmed right now. I need some quiet time to recharge."
  • "I expect you to speak respectfully, even when you're angry."

8. Use playfulness and humor to diffuse tense situations

Somehow all these outside sources carry more weight than volumes of talk from Mother or Dad.

Make tasks fun. Turn chores or difficult transitions into games or silly challenges.

Use fantasy. Pretend play can help children work through emotions or cooperate with requests.

Be unexpected. A playful approach can break tension and change the mood quickly.

• Playful strategies:
  • Make inanimate objects talk: "The toothbrush says it's lonely and wants to play with your teeth!"
  • Create silly characters: "The cleanup robot needs to collect 10 toys in 1 minute!"
  • Use exaggeration: "Oh no! The floor is turning into lava! Quick, put everything away before it melts!"

9. Write notes to communicate effectively with children

Hi I'm not going to school oh and Tak everything I have away

Express feelings in writing. Notes can be a non-confrontational way to share emotions or concerns.

Give information. Written reminders or instructions can be more effective than repeated verbal requests.

Engage in dialogue. Exchange notes with children to work through conflicts or brainstorm solutions.

• Types of helpful notes:
  • Appreciation notes: "Thanks for remembering to take out the trash!"
  • Reminder notes: "Please return library books today"
  • Problem-solving notes: "How can we make mornings less stressful? Let's list ideas."

10. Model the behavior and communication you want to see

To learn a new language is not easy. For one thing, you will always speak with an accent. . . . But for your children it will be their native tongue!

Practice what you preach. Use the same respectful communication with your children that you expect from them.

Acknowledge your mistakes. When you slip up, apologize and model how to make amends.

Narrate your own problem-solving. Think out loud to show children how to work through challenges.

• Ways to model good communication:
  • Use "I" statements with your partner or other adults
  • Show how to calm down when frustrated: "I'm getting angry. I need to take some deep breaths."
  • Demonstrate positive self-talk: "This is hard, but I'll keep trying different approaches."

Last updated: July 31, 2024