Siblings Without Rivalry

1. Acknowledge siblings' feelings to reduce rivalry

Not till the bad feelings come out can the good ones come in.

Validate emotions. When siblings express negative feelings about each other, resist the urge to dismiss or minimize their emotions. Instead, acknowledge and accept their feelings without judgment. This allows children to process their emotions and move past them more quickly.

Encourage expression. Provide safe outlets for children to express their frustrations, such as drawing pictures, writing in journals, or using dolls to act out scenarios. By allowing children to vent their feelings in appropriate ways, you reduce the likelihood of physical aggression.

Avoid taking sides. When conflicts arise, refrain from determining who is right or wrong. Instead, reflect each child's perspective back to them, helping them understand each other's point of view. This approach fosters empathy and encourages siblings to work together to find solutions.

2. Avoid comparisons and focus on each child's uniqueness

To be loved equally is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely—for one's own special self—is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.

Celebrate individuality. Instead of comparing siblings, highlight each child's unique qualities, talents, and accomplishments. This approach helps children develop a strong sense of self-worth that isn't dependent on outperforming their siblings.

Describe, don't compare. When praising or correcting a child, focus on their specific actions or behaviors without referencing their siblings. For example, say "I appreciate how you cleaned up your toys" instead of "You're so much neater than your brother."

Encourage diverse interests. Support each child in pursuing their own passions and hobbies, even if they differ from their siblings'. This helps prevent unhealthy competition and allows each child to develop their unique strengths.

3. Treat children as individuals, not equally

Children don't need to be treated equally. They need to be treated uniquely.

Meet individual needs. Recognize that each child has different requirements for attention, affection, and support. Strive to meet these needs based on the child's personality and circumstances, rather than trying to give everyone the exact same treatment.

Explain differences. When children complain about perceived unfairness, help them understand that fairness doesn't mean sameness. Explain that you respond to each child's unique situation and needs.

Avoid forced sharing. Instead of insisting that children always share everything equally, respect their right to have some possessions that are solely their own. This teaches children to respect others' property and reduces conflicts over belongings.

4. Free children from restrictive roles

Let no one lock a child into a role.

Challenge stereotypes. Be aware of how you and others might be inadvertently casting children into roles based on birth order, gender, or personality. Actively work to expand your perception of each child's capabilities and potential.

Encourage growth. Provide opportunities for children to explore interests and develop skills outside of their typical roles. For example, encourage a "bookworm" to try sports or a "troublemaker" to take on leadership responsibilities.

Avoid labels. Refrain from using descriptive labels, even positive ones, that might limit a child's self-perception. Instead of calling a child "the artist" or "the athlete," focus on praising their efforts and specific achievements.

5. Encourage cooperation instead of competition

You two are some team!

Emphasize teamwork. Create opportunities for siblings to work together towards common goals. This could involve family projects, games that require cooperation, or shared responsibilities.

Praise collaboration. When siblings cooperate, highlight the positive outcomes of their teamwork. This reinforces the benefits of working together and creates positive associations with sibling interactions.

Avoid competitive comparisons. Refrain from pitting siblings against each other in contests or comparisons. Instead, encourage each child to focus on personal growth and improvement.

6. Intervene helpfully in conflicts

We intervene, not for the purpose of settling their argument or making a judgment, but to open the blocked channels of communication so that they can go back to dealing with each other.

Acknowledge feelings. When intervening in a conflict, start by recognizing each child's emotions. This helps de-escalate the situation and shows that you're listening to both sides.

Facilitate communication. Help siblings express their needs and concerns to each other clearly and respectfully. Provide language tools and model effective communication strategies.

Encourage problem-solving. Guide children in brainstorming solutions to their conflicts, rather than imposing your own. This builds their conflict resolution skills and promotes a sense of ownership over the solutions.

7. Address property disputes constructively

Property rights must be respected. That's a principle that protects both children.

Establish clear rules. Create and communicate family guidelines about sharing, borrowing, and respecting others' possessions. This provides a framework for resolving disputes.

Respect ownership. Acknowledge children's right to have some possessions that are solely their own. This reduces anxiety about sharing and can actually increase generosity.

Facilitate negotiation. When conflicts arise over shared items, guide children in finding mutually agreeable solutions, such as taking turns or setting time limits for use.

8. Foster positive sibling relationships early

Kids need a lot of experience having good times together so that when the conflicts and fights come—as they must—they both have the memory of a positive relationship they want to get back to.

Create bonding opportunities. Organize activities that siblings can enjoy together, such as family game nights, shared outings, or cooperative projects. These positive experiences build a foundation of goodwill.

Highlight connections. Point out similarities and shared interests between siblings to help them recognize their common ground. This can foster a sense of camaraderie and mutual understanding.

Model positive relationships. Demonstrate healthy interactions with your own siblings or friends, showing children how to communicate, cooperate, and resolve conflicts respectfully.

9. Problem-solve with children to prevent aggression

Let's put our heads together and see whether there's anything we can think of doing when Billy bothers you that will be good for you and good for Billy.

Involve children in solutions. When recurring conflicts arise, sit down with the children involved and brainstorm potential solutions together. This teaches problem-solving skills and increases buy-in to the agreed-upon strategies.

Focus on prevention. Work with children to identify triggers for conflicts and develop proactive strategies to avoid or manage these situations. This might include creating schedules for shared resources or establishing "cool-down" spaces.

Review and adjust. Regularly check in with children to assess how well their solutions are working and make adjustments as needed. This ongoing process helps children learn to adapt their strategies as circumstances change.

10. Manage sibling issues when children are home alone

By giving her the actual words to use to tell her brother what bothers her, I'm showing her how to approach him in a way that won't cause a worse argument between them when I'm not around.

Equip with communication tools. Teach children specific phrases and strategies they can use to express their needs and resolve conflicts independently. Role-play common scenarios to build their confidence.

Establish clear expectations. Set ground rules for behavior when parents are not present, including consequences for breaking these rules. Ensure all children understand and agree to these guidelines.

Create support systems. Implement strategies like "mood boxes" or communication boards that help siblings understand and respect each other's emotions and needs when parents are not available to mediate.

11. Make time for one-on-one parent-child connection

Children thrive on the warmth and intimacy of private moments with their parents. This one-on-one connection provides the emotional nourishment kids need to be more caring or at the very least more tolerant of their siblings.

Schedule individual time. Set aside regular one-on-one time with each child, even if it's just for short periods. This dedicated attention helps each child feel valued and reduces the need to compete for parental attention.

Focus on the present child. During individual time, avoid discussing other siblings or family matters. Keep the focus on the child you're with, demonstrating that they have your full attention and interest.

Honor commitments. Treat scheduled one-on-one time as a priority, avoiding interruptions or cancellations whenever possible. This consistency builds trust and reinforces the child's sense of importance within the family.

Last updated: January 22, 2025