How to Text a Girl

1. Focus on Dates, Not Endless Texts

Instead, the sole goal of this book – and the only thing I care about – is to get her off the phone and on a date with you.

The true objective. The purpose of texting a girl you're interested in is singular: to arrange a face-to-face meeting. It is not to entertain her, become her texting buddy, or make her fall in love with your wit via SMS. Any texting that doesn't serve the goal of getting a date is a distraction and counterproductive.

Avoid common traps. Many guys fall into the trap of endless, pointless text conversations, believing that prolonged chatting builds attraction or connection. This is a fundamental misunderstanding of the medium and women's psychology. Texting is a low-context tool best used for quick communication and logistics.

Prioritize in-person interaction. Real attraction, connection, and relationship building happen in person. Texting should be a brief bridge to that in-person interaction, not a substitute for it. Keep your eye on the ball: the date is the goal.

2. Adopt the "Just Gets It Guy" Mindset

All you’ve got to do to use his style is be able to send simple text messages... and tell the girl you want a date with her BEFORE you get her phone number.

Simplicity and directness. The "Just Gets It Guy" (JGIG) understands that texting is a simple, logistical tool. Unlike the Clueless Boring Questions Guy, Endless Conversations Guy, or Really, Incredibly Witty and Interesting Guy, the JGIG doesn't overcomplicate things. He uses texting efficiently to achieve his objective: setting up a date.

Respect the medium. Texting works best when treated as a quick ping or update system. Trying to replicate in-person conversation or deep emotional connection via text increases cognitive load and often leads to disinterest or confusion. The JGIG respects texting's limitations and uses it appropriately.

Confidence in objective. A key trait of the JGIG is his clear intention, often communicated even before getting the number. This upfront approach screens for interest and makes subsequent texting straightforward. His texts are purposeful, not just random attempts to fill silence or seek validation.

3. Master the Ground Rules of Texting

If girls don’t think, act, or respond the way you think they should, it doesn’t mean all 3.5 billion human females need to change. What it means is that your mental model must change to accommodate the way women actually are.

Fix your perspective. Successful texting starts with correcting faulty assumptions about women and texting itself. Stop blaming girls for not responding to ineffective texts; the responsibility to communicate effectively lies with you. Your mental model must align with reality.

Numbers are opportunities. Understand that a phone number is merely a chance to arrange a meeting, not a guarantee of interest or future interaction. Girls give out numbers easily; it's your job to convert that opportunity into a date. Don't treat a number like a major achievement.

Reduce her cognitive load. Make your texts easy to understand and respond to. Ambiguous messages like "What's up?" force her to expend mental energy figuring out your intent, making her less likely to reply. Be clear about why you're texting and what you want (a date).

4. Structure Your Texts for Clarity and Response

You must strive to be crystal clear and easy to respond to in your messages.

Essential elements. Every initial text in a new conversation (especially cold texts) should include: a greeting, her name, a piece of new information (the reason for texting), and something showing consideration for her. This structure makes your text personal, relevant, and easy to process. Using her name is crucial for personalization.

Enhance tone with punctuation. Texting lacks non-verbal cues, so use exclamation points and emoticons (like :) ) to convey warmth and positivity. Texts ending only in periods can come across as cold or insincere. Aim for a casual, positive tone that reflects your in-person persona.

Grammar and conciseness. While aiming for casualness, avoid excessive slang or poor grammar that makes texts hard to read. The harder your text is to understand, the less likely she is to engage. Be precise and concise; get to the point quickly, especially when arranging a meet.

5. Propose the Date Before Getting the Number

When you go to take her phone number, you must ask for the date FIRST!

Confidence and clarity. Asking for the date before asking for her number is a powerful move that demonstrates confidence and clearly states your intention. It screens for genuine interest upfront and eliminates ambiguity about why you want her number. This makes subsequent texting much simpler.

Streamline follow-up. If she agrees to a date idea and then gives you her number, you know exactly what your first text should be about: confirming logistics for the date you already discussed. This avoids the awkward "fishing" phase many guys get stuck in.

Filter effectively. This approach quickly filters out girls who aren't interested in meeting up. If she's hesitant or refuses the date idea, you save yourself the effort of texting a number that likely wouldn't lead anywhere anyway. It's an efficient way to focus on promising leads.

6. Keep Texts Concise and Relevant to the Meet

Other than that, though, your texts should not be much longer than the last message you received from her.

Match her length. After the initial structured text, keep your messages roughly the same length as hers. Sending significantly longer texts than she sends can make you appear overly eager or try-hard, violating the principle of sprezzatura (effortless cool).

Stay on objective. Avoid getting sidetracked into lengthy, irrelevant conversations. If she asks a side question, answer briefly but gently steer the conversation back towards confirming the date details. Your texts should primarily serve the purpose of arranging the meet.

Texts for logistics only. Texting is ideal for confirming time, place, or brief updates ("Running 5 mins late"). It is not the place for deep conversation, emotional bonding, or trying to "get to know" her. Save meaningful interaction for the date itself.

7. Handle No Replies with Nonchalant Persistence

Persistence via text or phone can work wonders... BUT it’s crucial to persist in a cool, laid back, socially savvy way.

Don't take it personally. If a girl doesn't text back, it's often due to reasons unrelated to you (nervousness, mood shift, busy, etc.), not necessarily disinterest. Avoid panicking, getting angry, or becoming whiny. These reactions are unattractive and guarantee she won't reply.

Be nonchalant and understanding. When following up after a non-response, act as if her silence was simply due to busyness or miscommunication. Send a cool, friendly text that doesn't accuse or complain. Frame your follow-up as a casual check-in.

Strategic follow-up timing. Don't immediately double or triple text. Give her space. A suggested timeline: 1 day silence after 1 no-reply, 2-3 days after 2, a week after 3. If still no response, consider changing your angle (e.g., a voicemail, a different type of invite) or putting the ball in her court.

8. Prevent and Manage Flakes Effectively

Handling a girl’s flake well tends to make them intrigued... and often ready for rapid intimacy.

Flakes are rarely personal. Understand that most flakes are due to logistical issues, misjudgment of time, nervousness, or the date idea being inconvenient, not a personal rejection of you. Don't get insulted; stay cool and understanding.

Implement prevention strategies. Minimize flakes by: keeping the pre-date communication simple and low-pressure, suggesting easy and convenient date ideas, offering her a choice of times, and sending a pre-meeting text to confirm details and prompt a heads-up if she can't make it.

Manage flakes gracefully. If she flakes, treat it as no big deal. Be understanding and don't press for a lengthy explanation. Avoid trying to reschedule immediately unless she insists. You can even make excuses for her ("Guess we got mixed up"). Handling it well demonstrates confidence and can make her more eager to meet next time.

9. Use Phone Calls When Texts Aren't Working

If you want her – and texts aren’t working – then call her.

Switching mediums. When texting isn't leading to a date (e.g., she's non-responsive, dodging requests, or flaking repeatedly), switching to phone calls can be effective. Phone calls are a higher-context medium that can re-engage her in ways texts cannot, adding personality and energy.

Calls for bonding, texts for logistics. Generally, use texts for quick logistical confirmations and calls for building rapport or re-engaging when texts fail. A well-executed phone call can overcome negative anchoring associated with texts and inject positive emotions.

Strategic timing and content. Don't call immediately after a text goes unanswered; give it appropriate time (days, not minutes). When you call, have something fresh to talk about (a short story, a new idea). If she's clearly hot for you or you're time-pressed, you can even lead with a call.

10. Reconnect with Check-In Texts After Time

If they get a text they like from you now, they won’t care.

Leverage the reset. If you've lost touch with a girl for a while, time provides a natural reset. She likely doesn't remember the exact dynamic or why contact stopped, allowing you to reframe your absence and initiate contact again without awkwardness.

Standard check-in structure. A typical check-in text includes: greeting/name, an apology for being quiet (framed as you being busy), asking how she is, and directly asking her out/requesting her schedule. This longer format is necessary to provide context and move directly to the date ask.

Non-standard options. For very old numbers (a year or more), more specific frames like "clearing out my phone" or "leaving town" can provide a plausible reason for reconnecting. While response rates might vary, these offer ways to take a shot with numbers that would otherwise be dead ends.

11. Know When and How to Put the Ball in Her Court

“The ball’s in your court.”

Use after repeated resistance. This technique is employed when a girl consistently resists or flakes on meeting up, despite you varying your invitations and persisting reasonably. It signals that you're not going to chase endlessly and shifts the responsibility for initiating the next interaction onto her.

In-person execution. If she's resisting compliance asks in person (e.g., moving to a different spot), try a few different types of asks. If none work, state that you're going to move on but she can find you later if she changes her mind. Then, actually leave.

Text or call execution. After multiple date dodges via text, send a text stating you understand she's busy, you're not good at chasing, and she should let you know when she's free to plan the next meet. If you've introduced calls, deliver this message via a short, nonchalant phone call, ideally the same day she dodged the last invite.

Last updated: May 10, 2025