Mating in Captivity

1. Eroticism thrives on the space between partners

Eroticism requires separateness. In other words, eroticism thrives in the space between the self and the other.

The paradox of intimacy and desire. While love seeks closeness and security, desire needs mystery and uncertainty to flourish. This tension creates a fundamental challenge in long-term relationships. Partners must learn to balance their need for connection with maintaining a sense of separateness and individuality.

Maintaining mystery in familiarity. Couples can cultivate eroticism by:

• Preserving personal space and interests outside the relationship
• Avoiding over-sharing or constant togetherness
• Embracing the inherent otherness of their partner
• Creating opportunities for novelty and surprise within the relationship

By acknowledging that we can never fully know or possess our partner, we keep alive the spark of curiosity and desire that fuels eroticism.

2. Intimacy and desire often conflict in long-term relationships

There is no such thing as "safe sex."

The comfort-passion dilemma. As relationships deepen, partners often prioritize emotional intimacy, security, and predictability. However, these very qualities can dampen erotic desire, which thrives on novelty, risk, and the unknown.

Strategies for rekindling desire:

• Cultivate individual growth and pursuits
• Embrace playfulness and humor in the relationship
• Create opportunities for mystery and surprise
• Discuss and explore each other's fantasies
• Challenge the notion that passion must fade with time

Recognizing that intimacy and desire can be at odds allows couples to actively work on maintaining both aspects of their relationship, rather than sacrificing one for the other.

3. Fantasy plays a crucial role in sustaining desire

Fantasy expresses the problem and provides the solution.

The power of imagination. Sexual fantasies are not mere compensation for unfulfilled desires, but a rich imaginative resource that can enhance both individual sexuality and couple dynamics. They allow us to explore desires, overcome inhibitions, and add excitement to our erotic lives.

Embracing fantasy in relationships:

• Recognize that fantasies don't necessarily reflect real-life wishes
• Share fantasies with partners to increase intimacy and excitement
• Use role-play or scenarios to bring fantasies into the bedroom
• Understand that fantasies can provide psychological healing and empowerment

By accepting and exploring our fantasies, we tap into a powerful source of erotic energy that can reinvigorate long-term relationships.

4. Parenthood can challenge but doesn't have to destroy eroticism

When we are emotionally and sexually satisfied (at least reasonably so; let's not get carried away here), we allow our children to experience their own independence with freedom and support.

Balancing parental and erotic identities. The transition to parenthood often leads to a decline in sexual satisfaction as couples struggle with new responsibilities, fatigue, and changing roles. However, maintaining a vibrant erotic life is crucial for both individual well-being and relationship satisfaction.

Strategies for preserving eroticism:

• Prioritize couple time and date nights
• Maintain individual identities beyond parental roles
• Communicate openly about sexual needs and desires
• Create clear boundaries between parental and sexual spaces
• Embrace quickies and spontaneous moments of connection

By actively working to maintain their erotic connection, parents can model healthy relationships for their children while nurturing their own bond.

5. Acknowledging the "shadow of the third" can enhance relationships

All relationships live in the shadow of the third, for it is the other that solders our dyad.

The role of otherness in desire. The presence of potential alternatives or "the third" (real or imagined) can actually strengthen a couple's bond by reminding partners of their choice to be together and reigniting desire.

Incorporating the third constructively:

• Discuss attractions to others openly and without judgment
• Use jealousy as a tool for self-reflection and growth
• Engage in healthy flirtation or admiration of others
• Explore role-play or fantasy scenarios involving others
• Recognize that commitment is a daily choice, not a given

By acknowledging the reality of outside attractions, couples can paradoxically increase their sense of security and passion within the relationship.

6. Consensual nonmonogamy offers an alternative to traditional fidelity

Monogamy is a kind of moral nexus, a keyhole through which we can spy on our preoccupations.

Redefining fidelity. For some couples, exploring consensual nonmonogamy can be a way to address desires for novelty and excitement while maintaining a strong emotional commitment to their primary relationship.

Considerations for ethical nonmonogamy:

• Open and honest communication about boundaries and expectations
• Emotional maturity and strong sense of self
• Willingness to confront jealousy and insecurity
• Regular check-ins and renegotiation of agreements
• Prioritizing the primary relationship

While not for everyone, consensual nonmonogamy challenges us to examine our assumptions about love, commitment, and sexuality, potentially leading to greater self-awareness and relationship satisfaction.

7. Intentionality and effort are key to maintaining passion

Committed sex is intentional sex.

The myth of spontaneity. Many couples believe that great sex should "just happen" spontaneously, but this expectation often leads to disappointment and neglect of their erotic life. Cultivating a satisfying sex life requires deliberate effort and planning.

Strategies for intentional eroticism:

• Schedule regular date nights or sexy time
• Create anticipation through flirting and teasing throughout the day
• Experiment with new activities, locations, or scenarios
• Invest in creating a sensual environment (e.g., music, lighting, scents)
• Prioritize self-care and personal attractiveness

By approaching their erotic life with the same intentionality they bring to other important aspects of life, couples can maintain passion and excitement over the long term.

8. Cultural messages shape our attitudes towards sex and eroticism

Sex is dirty; save it for someone you love.

Navigating conflicting cultural narratives. Our society sends mixed messages about sexuality, simultaneously promoting hedonistic pursuits and puritanical values. This creates internal conflicts and shame around desire, particularly within committed relationships.

Overcoming cultural conditioning:

• Examine personal beliefs about sex and their origins
• Challenge internalized shame or guilt around pleasure
• Embrace a sex-positive attitude that values pleasure and connection
• Discuss cultural influences with partners to increase understanding
• Seek out sex-positive education and resources

By becoming aware of and challenging limiting cultural messages, individuals and couples can develop healthier, more fulfilling erotic lives.

9. Affairs often stem from unmet needs within relationships

Affairs are motivated by myriad forces; not all of them are directly related to flaws in the marriage.

Understanding infidelity. While affairs can be devastating, they often reveal important information about unmet needs or dynamics within the primary relationship. Examining the motivations behind infidelity can lead to growth and healing, whether the couple stays together or not.

Factors contributing to affairs:

• Desire for novelty and excitement
• Unmet emotional or sexual needs
• Coping mechanism for personal or relationship stress
• Search for lost parts of self
• Rebellion against relationship constraints

By approaching infidelity with curiosity rather than just moral judgment, couples can gain insights that may ultimately strengthen their relationship or help them make informed decisions about their future.

10. Reclaiming individual sexuality strengthens couples

For women, much more than for men, sexuality exists along what the Italian historian Francesco Alberoni calls a "principle of continuity."

The importance of sexual autonomy. Many individuals, particularly women, lose touch with their own sexuality within long-term relationships, relying solely on their partner for sexual validation and excitement. Reclaiming one's individual sexual self can revitalize both personal and couple eroticism.

Steps to reclaim sexuality:

• Explore personal fantasies and desires
• Practice self-pleasure and masturbation
• Cultivate sensuality in daily life
• Pursue individual growth and interests
• Communicate desires and boundaries clearly with partners

By nurturing their individual sexuality, partners bring renewed energy and authenticity to their shared erotic life, creating a more vibrant and satisfying relationship.

Last updated: July 23, 2024