Permission to Come Home

1. Embark on a journey of questioning to find your true self and values.

All you need to do is to choose to step off the well-marked path.

Question the map. Many of us were given a predetermined "map" for life focused on safety and traditional milestones (study, job, marriage, etc.). This path, often instilled by immigrant parents prioritizing stability, discourages questioning authority or the status quo, which can feel disrespectful or ungrateful. However, following this map without questioning can lead to a lack of awareness, agency, and freedom, leaving us feeling disconnected or unsatisfied.

Find your compass. The cost of not questioning is remaining unaware of the powerful frameworks (hierarchy, scarcity mindset, family duty, emotional suppression, hyper-independence) that shape our lives. Questioning isn't about discarding your upbringing, but evaluating which elements empower you and which restrict you. It's about being curious enough to wonder if your current way of thinking or living is truly working for you.

Values-based living. Instead of living solely by external goals, find your internal compass by identifying your core values – what truly matters to you. These values (like family, making a difference, well-being) are adaptable yet grounding, guiding your decisions and actions. Living in alignment with your values, rather than just chasing outcomes, provides purpose and resilience, helping you navigate life's inevitable challenges.

2. Embrace your emotions as vital guides for healing and self-awareness.

When we give ourselves permission to feel, we are learning how to read our internal compass with more clarity and accuracy.

Emotions are information. Many Asian cultures teach emotional suppression ("swallowing bitterness") and view strong emotions as weak or disruptive, often linked to saving face. This leads to mistrusting our feelings. However, emotions are vital alert systems, providing information about ourselves and our environment. They are neither good nor bad; they just are.

Feel to heal. Avoiding negative emotions doesn't make them disappear; it pushes them deeper, where they can fester and impact psychological and physical health. Learning emotional literacy – pausing, listening, tolerating, noticing, understanding, and expressing emotions – is crucial for healing past pain and breaking intergenerational cycles of trauma and suppression.

Build emotional skills. Our parents, often lacking emotional tools themselves due to their own struggles and trauma, may not have modeled healthy emotional processing. We must learn these skills ourselves. Emotions motivate action, impact decision-making, and facilitate communication. By embracing them, we gain clarity, deepen connections, and harness their power for growth.

3. Understand the wisdom of anger to protect yourself and drive change.

Anger is the part of myself that knows my worth.

Anger is a signpost. Anger is often a difficult emotion, feared in many cultures and linked to painful intergenerational experiences. When suppressed, it can turn into rage. However, anger is a secondary emotion, often protecting deeper, more vulnerable feelings like pain, hurt, or fear. It serves as an "X" on a map, marking a spot for deeper exploration.

Anger's protective functions. Anger is normal and critical for survival. It signals when boundaries are crossed, when we face inequity or unfairness (righteous anger), and when goals are thwarted. It provides strength, motivation, and courage to take a stand and protect our self-worth against mistreatment or negative messaging.

Navigate pitfalls. Unprocessed anger can manifest in unhelpful ways like direct aggression, passive-aggressiveness, or relentless pursuit, often linked to trauma responses (fight, flight). Learning to work with anger involves naming it, calming the body, digging for the underlying pain, and deciding whether to accept the situation or act assertively to communicate needs and boundaries.

4. Set boundaries as an act of self-love to preserve your energy and relationships.

A boundary is not a betrayal of your family or culture, but a refusal to betray yourself and your needs in a world that is always pushing against us.

Boundaries are space. Boundaries are the invisible borders between people, protecting your time, energy, resources, emotions, and physical space. For Asian diasporas, cultural values emphasizing interconnectedness and self-sacrifice can make boundary setting feel selfish, disrespectful, or like rejecting family/culture.

Boundaries prevent burnout. Neglecting boundaries to please others or avoid conflict is a quick path to exhaustion and resentment. Boundaries provide safety, conserve emotional energy, and communicate your self-worth. They are a gift to your future self and help preserve relationships by establishing clear rules of engagement.

Cultivate healthy boundaries. Boundaries exist on a continuum from rigid (impenetrable) to permeable (nonexistent). Healthy boundaries are adaptable and flexible, recognizing your needs while allowing for connection. Setting boundaries involves defining them, communicating them clearly (using "I" statements, intention vs. impact), enforcing them with consistent action, and reevaluating them over time.

5. Reclaim your right to take up space against forces that urge you to shrink.

Taking up space is your right.

Unlearn shrinking. Many Asian diasporas are conditioned to live in the margins, to be quiet, compliant, and invisible. This stems from cultural values emphasizing conformity and societal forces like racism, xenophobia, and the model minority myth, which can make visibility feel dangerous ("to be seen allows you to be hunted").

Challenge the narrative. Staying invisible was a survival strategy for past generations, but it may no longer serve us or future generations. The model minority myth, while seemingly positive, erases diversity and silences Asians in the face of injustice, creating a double bind where deviating from the stereotype can invite retaliation.

Practice embodiment. Taking up space is an act of physical and psychological embodiment – making yourself visible and acknowledged. It's a practice that requires naming your fears, acting courageously despite them, creating feedback loops to challenge fear-based thoughts, and finding a "hype team" or chosen family for support. It's an act of protest against forces that want to keep you small.

6. Make authentic choices aligned with your values despite external expectations.

What you are not changing, you are choosing.

Choose for yourself. Children of immigrants often feel torn between personal dreams and parental expectations, shaped by immigrant survival instincts prioritizing stability over passion. While parental intentions are often loving, their worldviews and fears can limit our choices. Claiming permission to choose is powerful but comes with potential costs like conflict or losing support.

Overcome obstacles. Authentic choosing is hindered by obstacles like guilt (tied to parental sacrifice, filial piety), choosing with rigidity (fear of changing course), and lack of authentic self-knowing (not knowing what you truly want). Guilt, especially when not tied to actual harm, can be an unworkable emotion pulling you away from your values.

Develop mental checkpoints. Learning to choose authentically requires practicing inward listening (body, emotions) and outward discernment (filtering others' feedback). Use mental checkpoints like inner knowing, long-range perspective (will this matter in 10 years?), sustainability (is this choice draining or fueling?), and chosen family support to guide decisions aligned with your values and the life you want to build.

7. Reframe failure from a source of shame to a pathway for growth and resilience.

The glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time you fall.

Failure is not identity. Fear of failure is deeply rooted in shame, often stemming from early experiences or cultural/societal messages (e.g., model minority myth, "failure is not an option"). This shame leads us to internalize failure as evidence of being flawed, not good enough, or a disappointment to our community.

Roadblocks to growth. Shame wraps around failure, creating roadblocks like perfectionism (tying worth to outcomes), the "not good enough" narrative (confirming internal doubts), and the "I don't deserve it" mindset (self-sabotage). These prevent us from learning from mistakes and pursuing goals.

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Last updated: May 9, 2025