Slow Sex

1. Rediscovering the Art of Slow Sex: Beyond the Recipe

Anything you really get into relationship with will reveal its secrets to you.

Sex as art, not science. The book challenges the conventional, goal-oriented approach to sex, advocating for a shift from viewing sex as a science with guaranteed outcomes to embracing it as an art form. This involves letting go of rigid expectations and recipes, and instead, approaching sex with openness, curiosity, and a willingness to follow the experience where it wants to go. The author uses the analogy of cooking, contrasting the scientific approach of following a recipe with the artistic approach of getting into relationship with the food and allowing it to guide the process.

The problem with "sex problems." The book argues that the very concept of "sex problems" is flawed. Instead of trying to fix what's "wrong," the focus should be on extending and increasing pleasurable experiences while accepting the messy, inconsistent nature of sex. This involves making a truce with disappointment, failure, and disconnection, and shifting from a goal orientation to an experience orientation.

Slow Sex as a philosophy. Slow Sex, like the Slow Food movement, emphasizes sustainability, connection, and nourishment. It involves stripping sex down to its most basic state, learning to feel it deeply in the body, and communicating desires. This philosophy is primarily experienced through the practice of Orgasmic Meditation (OM), a simple, meditative practice where the man strokes the woman's genitals for fifteen minutes.

2. The Three Pillars of Slow Sex: Stripping Down, Attention, and Desire

In Slow Sex, the main event is sensation.

Stripping down expectations. The first ingredient of Slow Sex involves letting go of all the baggage and expectations we carry into the bedroom. This includes releasing the need for climax, the harder-and-faster mentality, reliance on vibrators, and the safety blanket of fantasy. By stripping away these extras, we create space for genuine sensation to emerge.

Cultivating attention. The second ingredient involves cultivating the ability to pay attention to the sensations in our bodies. This requires overcoming the distractions of our fast-paced world and retraining our senses to notice subtle cues. The author emphasizes that attention is a skill that can be developed, and that it is essential for great sex.

Expressing desire. The third ingredient involves learning to identify and ask for what we truly desire. This can be particularly challenging for women, who have often been conditioned to suppress their sexual desires. The book encourages readers to overcome their fears and communicate their needs openly and honestly with their partners.

3. Orgasmic Meditation (OM): A Step-by-Step Guide

OM is most often practiced between a man and a woman...He continues to stroke for fifteen minutes, during which time both partners place their attention on the point of connection between them.

Asking for an OM. The first step involves expressing your desire and inviting your partner to share an intimate experience. This act of vulnerability can be challenging, but it sets the stage for a deeper connection. The book encourages readers to be simple, direct, and honest when making the request.

Setting up the nest. The second step involves creating a comfortable, safe, and secure space for the OM practice. This includes gathering the necessary supplies, arranging pillows, and ensuring soft lighting. The stroker takes primary responsibility for creating the nest, demonstrating care and attention to the receiver's needs.

The OMing position and stroke. The woman lies down, butterflies her legs open, and the man sits to her left, positioning himself to see and access her genitals. He then applies lube to his left forefinger and begins to stroke the sensitive left side of her clitoris using a very light touch. The stroke continues for fifteen minutes, with both partners focusing on the point of connection.

Noticing and communication. The stroker looks at his partner's genitals and describes what he sees, focusing on color, shape, and relative location. During the stroking, both partners communicate their sensations and desires, using "Yes/And" communication to ensure a positive and supportive experience.

Grounding and sharing frames. When the fifteen minutes are up, the stroker grounds the sexual energy by pressing the palm of one hand firmly against her clit. Then, each partner shares a "frame," or a description of one particularly memorable moment of sensation they felt while OMing.

4. Troubleshooting Common Challenges in OM Practice

Problems are for scientists! Sex is an art, remember? Therefore… sex is not a problem.

Addressing the lack of climax. The book acknowledges that many women do not climax during OM, and emphasizes that this is perfectly okay. The goal is not to achieve climax, but to cultivate the ability to receive and respond to pleasure. The grounding step helps to reintegrate sexual energy and prevent frustration.

Overcoming discomfort with being observed. The book addresses the common discomfort women feel about having their genitals observed. It encourages readers to challenge negative self-perceptions and embrace the opportunity to be seen without judgment.

Dealing with numbness or pain. The book acknowledges that some readers may experience numbness or pain during OM. It offers practical tips for addressing these challenges, such as adjusting pressure, exploring different stroking techniques, and communicating openly with your partner.

Addressing past trauma. The book recognizes that some readers may have a history of sexual trauma. It encourages these readers to seek professional support and to approach OM with caution and self-compassion.

5. The Ten-Day OM Starter Program: A Practical Guide

The transition from traditional sex toward Slow Sex is similar to other transformations that are happening all around us.

A structured approach. The Ten-Day OM Starter Program provides a structured approach to learning and practicing OM. It includes daily assignments, focused exercises, and journaling prompts. The program is designed to help readers build a sustainable OM practice and explore the nuances of Slow Sex.

Daily commitment. The program requires a commitment of approximately forty-five minutes per day, including two fifteen-minute OM sessions and ten minutes of journaling. The book encourages readers to prioritize this time and to treat it as an inviolable appointment.

Focused exercises. Each day of the program includes a focused exercise designed to help readers explore a particular aspect of OM, such as clitoral mapping, speaking sensations, or playing with pressure. These exercises provide opportunities for experimentation and discovery.

Journaling and reflection. The program includes daily journaling prompts to encourage readers to reflect on their experiences and to integrate the lessons of Slow Sex into their lives. Journaling helps to solidify learning and to track progress over time.

6. For Men: Understanding Women's Sexuality

For women, everything is connected.

The interconnectedness of women's sexuality. The book emphasizes that for women, everything is connected: body, heart, sex, work, relationships, and journey. This interconnectedness means that sex is never merely sex; it is intertwined with all aspects of a woman's life.

The desire for connection and understanding. Men are encouraged to understand that women crave connection, understanding, and validation. They want to be seen and appreciated for who they are, not just for their physical attributes.

The importance of safety and trust. The book highlights the importance of creating a safe and trusting environment for women to explore their sexuality. This involves being patient, gentle, and respectful, and avoiding any form of pressure or coercion.

7. For Women: Empowering Your Own Pleasure

With the OMing practice I’m able to really feel what’s inside of me.

Reclaiming sexual power. The book encourages women to reclaim their sexual power and to prioritize their own pleasure. This involves challenging societal conditioning that tells them to suppress their desires and to prioritize their partner's needs.

Learning to ask for what you want. Women are encouraged to identify their desires and to communicate them openly and honestly with their partners. This requires overcoming fears of rejection, judgment, and vulnerability.

Embracing the journey. The book emphasizes that the journey of sexual exploration is just as important as the destination. Women are encouraged to savor every moment, to embrace their sensuality, and to trust their own intuition.

8. Integrating Slow Sex into Your Regular Sex Life

The best sex is the kind where you don’t want to move an inch.

Slowing down and savoring. The book encourages readers to bring the principles of Slow Sex into their regular sex lives. This involves slowing down, paying attention to sensation, and communicating desires.

Shifting from goal orientation to experience orientation. The book emphasizes the importance of shifting from a goal orientation to an experience orientation. This means letting go of the need for climax and instead, focusing on the pleasure of the journey.

Applying Slow Sex principles to different sexual activities. The book offers practical tips for applying Slow Sex principles to various sexual activities, such as oral sex and intercourse. This involves stripping down expectations, feeling sensations, and asking for what you desire.

9. The Four-Month Orgasm: Living a Life of Heightened Sensation

I have never met a woman who is not, right now, at this moment, orgasmic.

The lifelong orgasm. The book introduces the concept of the "four-month orgasm," which refers to the potential for living a life of heightened sensation and continuous pleasure. This involves cultivating the ability to connect with one's own orgasm in every moment.

Using desire as a compass. The book encourages readers to use their desire as a compass, guiding them toward experiences that bring them joy, nourishment, and fulfillment. This involves trusting their intuition and making choices that align with their authentic selves.

The power of receptivity. The book emphasizes the importance of receptivity, or the ability to open to whatever comes through us. This involves letting go of control, surrendering to the moment, and trusting that everything is unfolding as it should.

Last updated: February 24, 2025