The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating

1. The Right Person Myth: Finding them isn't enough

The myth isn't, There's a right person for you out there somewhere. There may very well be. The myth is that once you find the right person, everything will be all right.

Relationships require effort. Simply finding the "right person" doesn't guarantee a successful relationship. Many divorced couples once believed they had found their perfect match. The reality is that relationships need continuous work, communication, and commitment to thrive.

Chemistry isn't everything. While initial attraction and compatibility are important, they aren't sufficient for long-term success. Couples need to develop skills like conflict resolution, emotional intelligence, and the ability to compromise. These skills aren't innate; they must be learned and practiced.

Prepare for commitment. Instead of focusing solely on finding the right person, invest time in becoming the right person. Develop the qualities and skills that would make you a great partner. This preparation increases the likelihood of a successful relationship when you do meet someone special.

2. Become the person you're looking for

Are you the person the person you're looking for is looking for?

Self-improvement is key. Rather than fixating on finding the perfect partner, focus on becoming the best version of yourself. This approach not only makes you more attractive to potential partners but also prepares you for a healthy relationship.

Identify desirable qualities. Make a list of the traits you're looking for in a partner. Then, honestly assess yourself against these criteria. Are you embodying these qualities? If not, work on developing them in yourself.

Attract like-minded individuals. As you grow and improve, you're more likely to attract people with similar values and goals. This alignment increases the chances of finding a compatible partner and building a lasting relationship.

3. Love is a verb, not just a feeling

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Active love. True love isn't just an emotion; it's a series of choices and actions. It involves patience, kindness, humility, and forgiveness. These behaviors strengthen relationships and foster deeper connections.

Practice love daily. Cultivate habits that demonstrate love:

• Show patience when your partner is struggling
• Offer kindness without expecting anything in return
• Celebrate your partner's successes without envy
• Forgive past mistakes and avoid keeping score

Overcome selfishness. Love often requires putting your partner's needs before your own. This doesn't mean neglecting yourself, but rather finding a balance where both partners feel valued and supported.

4. Mutual submission is key to lasting relationships

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Redefine submission. Mutual submission isn't about one person dominating the other. It's about both partners willingly putting each other first out of love and respect. This creates a balanced, harmonious relationship.

Practice selflessness. In a mutually submissive relationship, both partners:

• Listen to each other's needs and concerns
• Make decisions together, considering both perspectives
• Support each other's goals and dreams
• Compromise when necessary, without resentment

Build trust and intimacy. When both partners consistently prioritize each other's well-being, it fosters deep trust and emotional intimacy. This foundation helps couples weather challenges and grow stronger together.

5. Sex isn't just physical: It affects your whole being

Sex isn't just physical. There's more to sex because there's more to you.

Holistic impact. Sexual experiences affect not only your body but also your emotions, psychology, and spiritual well-being. Recognizing this interconnectedness helps make informed decisions about sexual involvement.

Emotional consequences. Sexual experiences can create deep emotional bonds, even in casual encounters. This can lead to unexpected feelings of attachment, jealousy, or regret when relationships don't progress as hoped.

Long-term effects. Your sexual choices can impact:

• Future relationships and intimacy
• Self-esteem and self-worth
• Ability to form deep emotional connections
• Overall life satisfaction and well-being

6. Your sexual history impacts future relationships

Every time you have sex with a different partner, you apply, remove, then reapply this powerful but somewhat fragile relational uniter. Eventually your sexual experience will begin to lose its stickiness.

Past influences present. Your sexual history doesn't disappear when you enter a new relationship. It can affect your ability to form intimate bonds, trust, and communicate openly with future partners.

Protect intimacy. Multiple casual sexual experiences can diminish the significance of sex within committed relationships. This may lead to:

• Difficulty forming deep emotional connections
• Comparing current partners to past experiences
• Challenges in maintaining long-term sexual satisfaction

Honesty and healing. Address your sexual past honestly with yourself and, when appropriate, with your partner. Seek healing and counseling if past experiences are negatively impacting your current relationships.

7. Take a year off from dating to focus on personal growth

Beginning today, take a year off all romantic and sexual pursuits.

Gain clarity. A dating sabbatical provides objectivity and perspective on your relationship patterns and personal growth areas. It allows you to break harmful cycles and develop healthier approaches to relationships.

Invest in yourself. Use this time to:

• Pursue personal goals and interests
• Strengthen friendships and family relationships
• Develop new skills and hobbies
• Work on emotional and spiritual growth

Prepare for future relationships. By focusing on self-improvement, you'll be better equipped to enter your next relationship as a more mature, self-aware partner.

8. Set standards and address past issues

If you aren't proactive, your past will smuggle itself into your future.

Establish boundaries. Define your standards for future relationships, including physical intimacy, emotional expectations, and deal-breakers. Having clear boundaries helps you make better choices and avoid repeating past mistakes.

Heal from the past. Take time to:

• Identify and process unresolved emotional wounds
• Forgive those who have hurt you (including yourself)
• Seek professional help if needed to address deep-seated issues
• Break harmful patterns learned from family or past relationships

Build self-awareness. Understand how your past experiences have shaped your beliefs about relationships, love, and self-worth. This awareness helps you make more intentional choices in future relationships.

9. Financial responsibility enhances relationships

Financial pressure can suck the romance right out of a relationship.

Address debt. Use your time as a single person to tackle outstanding debts. This financial freedom will reduce stress and provide more options in future relationships.

Develop good habits. Cultivate financial responsibility by:

• Creating and sticking to a budget
• Building an emergency fund
• Learning about personal finance and investing
• Living within or below your means

Prepare for partnership. Financial compatibility is crucial in long-term relationships. By getting your finances in order, you'll be better prepared to build a stable future with a partner who shares similar financial values.

Last updated: November 19, 2024