Why Smart Kids Worry

1. Smart Kids Process Information Differently, Leading to Unique Anxieties

Smart Kid = the ability to take ideas/skills to the next level

Advanced Thinking. Smart children possess the remarkable ability to extrapolate and extend concepts beyond their immediate presentation, which can be both a gift and a curse. This heightened cognitive function allows them to grasp complex ideas and make connections that might elude their peers, but it also exposes them to advanced-level fears and worries that they are ill-equipped to handle.

The Flynn Effect. The Flynn Effect demonstrates that average intelligence is increasing with each generation, meaning today's children are often outsmarting their parents. This can lead to feelings of inadequacy in parents who struggle to keep up with their child's rapid processing of information, creating a sense of disconnect and concern.

Multiple Intelligences. Howard Gardner's theory of multiple intelligences highlights that intelligence is not a monolithic entity but rather a collection of diverse abilities, including linguistic, logical-mathematical, visual-spatial, musical, bodily-kinesthetic, interpersonal, and intrapersonal. Recognizing and valuing these different types of intelligence is crucial for supporting a child's overall development and well-being.

2. Anxiety Manifests in Object-Oriented or Relational Ways

Until the storm passes, the doctor’s appointment ends, the sun comes up without anyone breaking in, the child with Object-Oriented Anxiety will feel unsafe.

Object-Oriented Anxiety. Some children experience anxiety primarily through fears related to external objects and events, such as storms, intruders, or medical procedures. These children are constantly scanning their environment for potential threats, seeking reassurance that they are safe from harm.

Relational Anxiety. Other children are more prone to relational anxiety, which centers on their relationships with others and their perceived social standing. They worry about friendships, acceptance, and how others perceive them, constantly seeking validation and fearing rejection.

Understanding the Difference. Recognizing whether a child's anxiety is primarily object-oriented or relational is crucial for tailoring effective interventions. Object-oriented anxiety may benefit from concrete coping strategies, while relational anxiety may require more focus on building social skills and self-esteem.

3. Children Process Anxiety Inwardly or Outwardly

Inward Processors communicate through behavior.

Inward Processors. Some children tend to internalize their anxiety, keeping their fears and worries to themselves. They may express their anxiety through behavioral changes, such as withdrawal, irritability, or physical symptoms, making it difficult for parents to understand what they are going through.

Outward Processors. Other children are more likely to externalize their anxiety, openly expressing their fears and worries through constant talking, questioning, or seeking reassurance. While this can be helpful for identifying their concerns, it can also be overwhelming for parents who struggle to manage the constant stream of anxiety.

Tailoring Communication. Understanding whether a child is an inward or outward processor is essential for effective communication. Inward processors may benefit from alternative forms of expression, such as writing or art, while outward processors may need help setting boundaries around their anxiety.

4. Address Anxiety by Understanding Triggers and Default Worries

Knowing what triggers your child’s anxiety gives you 80 percent of the information you need to help your child.

Anxiety Triggers. Identifying the specific situations, events, or thoughts that trigger a child's anxiety is crucial for developing effective coping strategies. These triggers can range from social situations and academic pressures to specific phobias and traumatic memories.

Default Worries. Many anxious children have a set of "default worries" that they return to repeatedly, regardless of their current circumstances. These worries often revolve around common fears, such as death, illness, or natural disasters, and can serve as a way to release excess mental energy.

Baits. Baits are what your child uses to empty his emotional tank. Baits are not what trigger your child’s anxiety, but instead, what he uses to release his emotions. For example, if your child is worried about going to the dentist, he might bait you into an argument about putting on his pajamas.

5. Asynchronous Development Creates Emotional-Intellectual Disconnect

Asynchronous development is where intelligence and anxiety collide.

Uneven Development. Asynchronous development occurs when a child's intellectual, emotional, and physical development progress at different rates. This can lead to a disconnect between their advanced cognitive abilities and their limited emotional maturity, resulting in feelings of frustration, overwhelm, and anxiety.

The Anxiety Surge. The discrepancy between intellectual and emotional development can trigger a surge of anxiety, as children struggle to reconcile their advanced understanding of the world with their limited capacity to cope with its complexities. This can manifest as intense fears, worries, and emotional outbursts.

Bridging the Gap. To mitigate the effects of asynchronous development, it's crucial to focus on nurturing a child's emotional intelligence alongside their intellectual abilities. This involves teaching them how to identify, understand, and manage their emotions, as well as providing them with coping strategies for dealing with anxiety and stress.

6. Protect Childhood by Limiting Exposure to Adult Concerns

The only thing giftedness means to kids is they get to go to a different class (sometimes) and do extra work (occasionally).

Snow Globe World. Children, especially young ones, tend to view the world through an egocentric lens, believing that everything they experience is happening within their own "snow globe." This can make it difficult for them to understand the distance and context of events, leading to heightened anxiety about potential threats.

Adult Information. While smart children may be drawn to adult-level topics, such as world events or financial concerns, they often lack the emotional maturity to process this information effectively. This can lead to increased anxiety and a sense of overwhelm.

Kid-Friendly Boundaries. To protect childhood, it's important to set boundaries around the information children are exposed to, ensuring that it is age-appropriate and presented in a way that minimizes anxiety. This may involve limiting news consumption, screening movies and television shows, and avoiding discussions of adult concerns in their presence.

7. Answer Tough Questions with Empathy and Awareness

This is a basic survival instinct—to understand why you feel the way you do—so kids will draw on a worry they’ve had before and view it as the current reason for the way they feel.

Understanding the "Why." Children ask questions for various reasons, including curiosity, seeking understanding, and seeking comfort. Recognizing the underlying motivation behind a question is crucial for providing an appropriate and helpful response.

Acknowledge, Ask, Avoid. When faced with tough questions, it's important to first acknowledge the child's feelings, then ask open-ended questions to understand their concerns, and finally avoid giving concrete answers that may be inaccurate or anxiety-provoking.

Default Worries. Default Worries are the worries kids go back to over and over again. Just when you think your child is finally over his fear of storms, he’ll see a grey cloud and go into a panic. After you think he’s gotten over his fear of death, he’ll tug on your shoulder at 3:00 a.m., saying he’s afraid you’re going to die.

8. Empower Kids by Teaching Self-Soothing Techniques

A child who faces his fear becomes confident.

Building Confidence. Facing fears and overcoming challenges is essential for building confidence in anxious children. Each successful experience reinforces their belief in their ability to cope and manage difficult situations.

Anxiety-Reduction Tools. Teaching children specific anxiety-reduction techniques, such as square breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or mindfulness exercises, can empower them to take control of their anxiety and develop a sense of self-efficacy.

Taking Action. The ultimate goal is to help children take action despite their fear, encouraging them to participate in activities and pursue their goals even when they feel anxious. This involves providing support, encouragement, and a safe environment for them to experiment and learn.

9. Value Effort and Natural Abilities Equally

Reward your child for spending two hours practicing kicking goals rather than scoring two goals in a game.

Effort vs. Success. It's important to emphasize the value of effort and perseverance over innate talent or immediate success. Praising children for their hard work and dedication, regardless of the outcome, can foster a growth mindset and encourage them to embrace challenges.

Empathy and Understanding. Acknowledging and validating a child's frustration and disappointment when they don't meet their expectations is crucial for building trust and connection. This involves showing empathy for their struggles and helping them reframe failure as an opportunity for learning and growth.

Motivation and Support. Motivating smart kids involves empathizing with their struggles and rewarding their efforts, not just their achievements. This can involve providing positive reinforcement, setting realistic goals, and creating a supportive environment where they feel safe to take risks and make mistakes.

10. Provide After-School Outlets for Different Intelligences

Providing physical outlets, such as Run Fast! Jump High! (Tool #13), is a way to do this.

Beyond Academics. School often prioritizes logical-mathematical and linguistic intelligences, leaving other areas, such as visual-spatial, musical, and bodily-kinesthetic, underdeveloped. Providing after-school outlets for these intelligences can help children feel more well-rounded and fulfilled.

Community Activities. Community activities help kids feel good about themselves and give them a sense of purpose. One child I worked with was not athletic but really loved animals. Instead of going through another dreadful soccer season, his mom signed him up to be a volunteer at an animal shelter.

Meaningful Engagement. Engaging in activities that align with a child's natural abilities and interests can help them control their anxiety by providing a sense of purpose, accomplishment, and positive social connection. This can involve joining sports teams, art classes, music ensembles, or volunteer organizations.

11. Tailor Parenting to Your Child's Processing Style

As a parent, it’s important to understand the difference between how you and your child process emotions.

Inward vs. Outward. Recognizing whether a child is an inward or outward processor is crucial for tailoring effective communication and support. Inward processors may benefit from alternative forms of expression, such as writing or art, while outward processors may need help setting boundaries around their anxiety.

Emotional Connection. Parents of inward processors may need to be more patient and observant, creating a safe space for their child to open up when they are ready. Parents of outward processors may need to set boundaries and encourage self-soothing techniques to prevent overwhelm.

Understanding the Differences. Inward Processors solve problems by thinking, communicate through behavior, deny feelings, and blame others. Outward Processors solve problems by talking, communicate through words, exaggerate feelings, and blame themselves.

12. Balance Support with Independence

The information and tools included in this book are not intended to make your child’s anxiety go away; rather, they are intended to help your child channel his anxiety.

Empowerment, Not Fixing. The goal is not to eliminate a child's anxiety but rather to help them channel it in a healthy and productive way. This involves teaching them coping strategies, building their self-esteem, and fostering a sense of independence.

Safe and Nurturing. Providing a safe and nurturing environment is essential for allowing children to process their fears and develop resilience. This involves setting appropriate boundaries, offering unconditional love and support, and encouraging them to take risks and learn from their mistakes.

Long-Term Growth. Ultimately, children need to be able to process their fears on their own. By providing them with the tools and support they need, parents can empower them to become independent, resilient, and well-adjusted adults.

Last updated: February 27, 2025