Key Takeaways
1. The Urgent Need for Intentional Fathers
“Do you know what’s really killing our young people today?” The answer is self-initiation.
Crisis of fatherlessness. Society faces a crisis in raising boys into men of character and consequence. Barna research highlights significant obstacles young men face, from digital distractions like video games and porn to a lack of good role models and disruptions in finding vocation. Churches often aren't effectively helping fathers navigate these challenges.
Consequences of absence. The absence of involved, emotionally healthy fathers has devastating impacts. Children without fathers are significantly more likely to face poverty, emotional/behavioral problems, aggression, infant mortality risk, incarceration, and early sexual activity. This epidemic of fatherlessness contributes to confusion about manhood and broken relationships between fathers and sons.
Intentionality is key. While many fathers feel overwhelmed and ill-equipped, determination is crucial. Becoming an intentional father means deeply investing in understanding your children, helping them reach their potential, and seeing parenting as a central calling. This commitment is vital for confronting brokenness and leaving a powerful, multigenerational legacy of blessing.
2. Prepare for the Day Your Son Leaves Home
Your son is going to walk out into the world one day. What will he take with him?
Vision and planning. Most fathers desire to send their sons into the world prepared but lack a strategic plan. This leads to anxiety and reliance on chance. Instead, visualize the day your son leaves home and work backward, intentionally planning what wisdom, character, skills, and experiences you want him to carry.
Four key questions. To build this plan, consider:
- What do you want him to know (about God, himself, life)?
- Who do you want him to be (character)?
- What skills do you want him to have (practical abilities)?
- What formational experiences do you want him to have?
Don't leave to chance. If you don't intentionally disciple your son, the world will. Take responsibility to personally impart key things he needs. Leverage your community and resources (an "asset map") to provide experiences and connections beyond what you can offer alone. Consider forming a cohort with other dads raising sons the same age for mutual support and shared experiences.
3. Heal Your Past, Honor Your Father
If we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it.
Inherited brokenness. Many fathers struggle to impart what their sons need because they themselves were not properly guided into manhood. Like Sherman in The Bonfire of the Vanities, we realize our fathers were once boys who adopted the "father" role without a clear map, often passing on their own wounds.
Making peace is vital. All relationships with fathers are complicated. To avoid transmitting your pain to your son, you must make peace with your own father, whether present or absent. This might involve writing a tribute letter acknowledging what he got right or a letter of forgiveness for what he got wrong. This act of processing your past is crucial for a clean heart.
Learn from your story. Use the "mountains and valleys" exercise to identify the most beautiful and broken moments of your life. Reflect on what happened, what you felt, how you responded, how it shaped you, and what you learned. These lessons become tangible, cautionary, or celebratory tales you can share, transforming your experiences into a legacy of healing rather than pain for your son.
4. Mark the Transition with Ceremony
Without clear markers on the journey to manhood, males have a difficult time making the transition and can drift along indefinitely.
Initiation is crucial. Cultures historically used definitive rites of passage to usher boys into manhood, recognizing a shift happens around age thirteen. Modern Western culture lacks these markers, leading to self-initiation through risky behaviors or extended adolescence. An intentional father must create a clear break from childhood.
The severing dinner. Begin with a "directional dinner" led by the mother. She acknowledges his journey, shares important memories, prays a blessing, and explicitly directs his energy and attention toward his father and the community of men for the next season of formation. This is a powerful moment of release and redirection.
Symbolic initiation. Follow the dinner with a physical, memorable initiation ceremony. This could involve:
- Gathering a community of supportive men.
- Casting a vision for manhood and the journey ahead.
- A symbolic act (like running into cold water) representing a break from the past.
- Laying on of hands, blessing, and praying over the son.
- Giving meaningful artifacts (journal, pen, footlocker) as icons for the journey.
5. Impart Core Values for Navigation
Here is the manliness of manhood, that a man has a good reason for what he does and has a will in doing it.
Values provide direction. Without clearly defined values, men are easily swayed by cultural trends and compromise. Imparting family, personal, and foundational masculine values provides a compass for navigating life's complexities with confidence and clarity. Ask your son what he perceives your family values to be as a starting point.
Personal values from experience. Your most important personal values are often forged in your life's mountains and valleys. Identify what matters most to you (e.g., vision, passion, discipline, risk) and intentionally model and teach these to your son. If you don't impart your values, the culture will impart its own.
Foundational masculine values. Focus on cultivating cardinal virtues rooted in Scripture and embodied by Jesus:
- Wisdom: Observing, paying attention, seeking truth.
- Self-Control: Restraint, discipline, not using power for indulgence.
- Courage: Speaking up, taking action, not being passive.
- Justice: Advocating for the oppressed, defending the needy, confronting hypocrisy.
Codify these values, model them, call them out in your son, and celebrate his growth in these areas.
6. Guide the Five Shifts from Boyhood to Manhood
Manhood is the defeat of childhood narcissism.
Moving beyond adolescence. Formation happens daily, either moving sons toward adulthood or trapping them in extended adolescence ("man-agers"). Paul calls us to put away childish ways (1 Cor 13:11). This requires intentional guidance through key developmental shifts, contrasting boyish tendencies with mature masculine traits.
Rohr's rules, Tyson's shifts. Based on Richard Rohr's five rules of manhood (Life is hard, You are not important, Your life is not about you, You are not in control, You are going to die), reframe them as positive shifts:
- Ease to Difficulty
- Self to Others
- Whole Story to Part of the Story
- Control to Surrender
- Temporary to Eternal
Facilitating the shifts. Dedicate time (e.g., months per shift) to explore these concepts through Bible study, biographies, movies, and discussions. Design experiences and challenges that physically or emotionally demonstrate the value and rewards of each shift. Examples include challenging physical activities, serving others, exposure to different cultures/perspectives, facing loss, or reflecting on mortality. These shifts help sons become more like Jesus, who embodied these transitions.
7. Cultivate Competence: Be Good at Being a Man
Confidence comes from competence.
Beyond generic goodness. Young men aren't inspired by a vague idea of being a "good man." They desire to be good at being a man, possessing the skills and competence to navigate life effectively. A lack of competence leads to insecurity, manifesting as anger, fear, apathy, or self-centeredness.
Skill acquisition process. Discipleship involves transferring tangible skills, not just giving pep talks. Use Dave Ferguson's framework:
- I do, you watch, we talk.
- I do, you help, we talk.
- You do, I help, we talk.
- You do, I watch, we talk.
- You do, someone else watches.
Practical application. Apply this process to various skills, from hosting conversations to changing a tire or managing money. This step-by-step approach builds confidence by demonstrating that competence is learned, not just innate. It transforms feelings of being overwhelmed into a sense of capability.
8. Master Key Roles of Manhood
A man accepts responsibility, rejects passivity, leads courageously, and lives for the greater reward.
Discipleship over efficiency. Raising a son is about heart development and discipleship, not efficiency. If fathers don't teach their sons key life roles, the world will, often with harmful results (e.g., porn teaching about women, loneliness replacing brotherhood).
Six essential roles. Guide your son in mastering these archetypal roles:
- Disciple: Understanding God, the gospel, the biblical story, and how to walk with Jesus (e.g., through Bible study, spiritual disciplines, baptism).
- Lover: Honoring and respecting women, understanding healthy relationships, navigating sexuality and its temptations (porn, objectification), and preparing for commitment.
- Leader: Accepting responsibility, rejecting passivity, leading courageously, and living for a greater reward (using resources for others).
- Warrior: Having a cause, fighting for truth and justice, developing mental and physical toughness (e.g., through martial arts, physical training).
- Brother: Building healthy male friendships, practicing forgiveness, confrontation, and encouragement, combating loneliness.
- Wise Man: Stewarding time and money, learning from Proverbs, discerning foolishness from wisdom.
Leverage your tribe. You don't have to teach all of this alone. Identify men in your community who embody these roles well and invite them to mentor your son, providing diverse perspectives and examples.
9. Facilitate Self-Discovery and Identity
Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery it is.
Identity confusion. Young men often struggle with identity, a topic less explored in male contexts than female ones. Helping your son understand who God made him to be is crucial for eliminating confusion and building confidence.
Tools for insight. Utilize various personality and skills assessments to provide your son with objective language and frameworks for understanding himself:
- Enneagram: Motivations, fears, behavior under stress/health.
- StrengthsFinder: Identifying natural talents and areas for focus.
- Spiritual Gifts Assessments (including APEST): Understanding how God wired him to serve in the church.
- Myers-Briggs: Introversion/extroversion, thinking/intuition, helpful for vocational awareness and relating to others.
- Birkman Test: Comprehensive vocational discernment from a Christian perspective, aligning design with calling.
Honoring preferences. As your son explores his identity, honor his preferences and conclusions, even if they differ from yours. Incorporate his interests into experiences and affirmations. This process helps him embrace his God-given design and move forward with intentionality, rather than trying to be someone he's not.
10. Understand and Navigate the Arc of Life
There is a time in the life of every boy when he for the first time takes the backward view of life. Perhaps that is the moment when he crosses the line into manhood.
Beyond the immediate. Our culture emphasizes the "now," leading many to drift through life's seasons without intentionality or understanding. Helping your son see the big-picture arc of life prepares him to navigate each stage's unique temptations and joys, minimizing regret and maximizing purpose.
Seasons of life. Outline the general focus and challenges of different decades:
- High School: Exposure, exploration, firsts.
- College: Learning, gaining clarity.
- Twenties: Growing, intense personal development.
- Thirties: Editing, focusing on cause.
- Forties: Mastering, combining energy and idealism.
- Fifties: Harvesting, reaping results.
- Sixties: Guiding, investing in younger generations.
- Seventies: Imparting, pouring out legacy.
- Eighties: Savoring.
- Nineties: Preparing for the finish line.
Arc-of-life interviews. Arrange for your son to meet with wise individuals in each of these life stages. Help him prepare questions about their joys, temptations, lessons, and regrets. These conversations provide invaluable perspective, modeling different ways to live well and offering warnings and encouragement based on lived experience. This introduces him to "leaders... who spoke the word of God... Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith" (Hebrews 13:7).
11. The Transformative Power of a Gap Year
The real risk is not changing. I have to feel that I’m after something. It’s the striving, man, it’s that I want.
Liminal space for growth. The transition from high school to college is a critical time. A gap year provides a vital liminal space—a period removed from normal routine—for young men to mature emotionally, process what they've learned, encounter different cultures (especially the poor), and gain perspective before entering the next stage. It combats entitlement and the pressure of the "winner script."
Pilgrimage and exposure. Encourage a gap year that involves travel and exposure to the world beyond their comfort zone. Programs like World Race or Adventures in Missions offer structured opportunities for global travel, service, and spiritual formation. The fundraising process itself can be a powerful lesson in the generosity of the community.
Father-son journey. Conclude the gap year with a significant father-son pilgrimage (like hiking the Camino de Santiago). This physical journey symbolizes the path they've walked together. Use this time for deep discussion, processing the gap year experiences, and reviewing the lessons learned throughout the entire intentional fatherhood journey. Make it unreasonable, memorable, and a capstone experience.
12. Conclude the Journey with Blessing
If a son does not receive blessing from his father, he will spend the rest of his life trying to earn that blessing.
The need for blessing. Humans are created for blessing (Genesis 1:28) and desperately need it. Without a father's explicit blessing, a son may spend his life striving for validation through achievement, relationships, or power, like Jacob chasing his father's blessing. Receiving blessing frees him to operate from it, not for it.
A ceremony of welcome. Mark the end of this intentional journey with a formal ceremony welcoming your son into the community of men. Gather friends and family who have supported him. Share words of affirmation, celebrate his growth, and acknowledge the significance of the path he has walked.
The father's blessing. The core of the ceremony is your personal blessing. Speak words of pride, affirmation, and release over him. This moment should be unmistakable, cementing his identity and healing potential wounds. Like Jesus blessing his disciples before ascending (Luke 24:50-53), send your son out into the world with your clear, powerful blessing, empowering him to live from a place of security and purpose.
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FAQ
1. What is "The Intentional Father" by Jon Tyson about?
- Field Guide for Fatherhood: The book is a practical guide for fathers (and father figures) who want to intentionally raise sons of courage and character, especially in a culture that often lacks clear pathways to manhood.
- Step-by-Step Framework: Tyson shares a multi-year, customizable process for guiding boys through adolescence into healthy, mature manhood, drawing from his own experience with his son and research from Barna Group.
- Focus on Formation: The book emphasizes the importance of intentional discipleship, rites of passage, and the transmission of values, skills, and identity from father to son.
- Addressing Modern Challenges: It tackles contemporary issues such as fatherlessness, toxic masculinity, digital distractions, and the absence of meaningful initiation into adulthood.
2. Why should I read "The Intentional Father" by Jon Tyson?
- Urgent Cultural Need: The book addresses the crisis of raising boys into men of character and consequence, a challenge that affects families, communities, and society at large.
- Actionable and Practical: Tyson provides concrete steps, exercises, and rituals that fathers can implement, making the book highly actionable rather than just theoretical.
- Applicable to All Father Figures: Whether you are a biological father, stepdad, mentor, or guardian, the book offers guidance for anyone seeking to positively influence a young man’s life.
- Personal and Relatable: Tyson’s honest storytelling, including his own doubts and journey, makes the book relatable and encouraging for fathers who feel overwhelmed or unprepared.
3. What are the key takeaways from "The Intentional Father" by Jon Tyson?
- Intentionality is Essential: Raising sons of consequence requires deliberate planning, not leaving their development to chance or cultural trends.
- Rites of Passage Matter: Boys need clear markers and ceremonies to transition from childhood to manhood, supported by a community of men.
- Values and Skills Transmission: Fathers must intentionally pass on family, personal, and masculine values, as well as practical life skills and wisdom.
- Healing and Legacy: Fathers should address their own wounds and family history to avoid passing on pain, instead leaving a legacy of blessing and healing.
4. What is Jon Tyson’s definition of an "Intentional Father" and how does it differ from other types of fathers?
- Five Types of Fathers: Tyson describes five types: irresponsible, ignorant, inconsistent, involved, and intentional, with the intentional father being the ideal.
- Intentional Father Defined: An intentional father is deeply invested in understanding his children, helping them reach their redemptive potential, and seeing parenting as a central calling.
- Contrast with Others: Unlike the other types, the intentional father is proactive, plans for his child’s development, and leaves a multigenerational legacy.
- Focus on Customization: The intentional father tailors his approach to the unique needs and personality of his son, rather than relying on generic or passive parenting.
5. What is the step-by-step method or framework Jon Tyson recommends in "The Intentional Father"?
- Multi-Part Journey: The book is structured into five parts: Introduction, Preparation, Initiation, Formation, and Recognition, each with specific steps and exercises.
- Preparation: Fathers are encouraged to envision the day their son leaves home, clarify what they want him to know, be, do, and experience, and create an asset map and support cohort.
- Initiation: The process includes a severing dinner (often led by the mother), an initiation ceremony, and the establishment of rituals and artifacts to mark the journey.
- Formation: Tyson outlines five key shifts (ease to difficulty, self to others, etc.), the importance of marking formative moments, and mastering six archetypal roles (disciple, lover, leader, warrior, brother, wise man).
- Recognition: The journey culminates in a gap year, a father-son pilgrimage, and a ceremony of blessing to welcome the son into manhood.
6. What are the "five shifts" Jon Tyson describes for moving boys into manhood in "The Intentional Father"?
- From Ease to Difficulty: Boys must learn to embrace challenges and difficulty rather than seeking comfort and ease.
- From Self to Others: The shift from self-centeredness to caring for and serving others is essential for maturity.
- From Whole Story to Part of the Story: Boys need to see themselves as part of a larger narrative, not the center of the universe.
- From Control to Surrender: Accepting that not everything is within their control and learning to surrender to greater purposes.
- From Temporary to Eternal: Developing an eternal perspective, understanding that life is short and should be lived with meaning and legacy in mind.
7. How does "The Intentional Father" by Jon Tyson recommend fathers handle rites of passage and ceremonies?
- Severing Dinner: The journey begins with a "directional dinner" where the mother releases the son to the father and the community of men.
- Initiation Ceremony: A memorable, meaningful event (often at age thirteen) marks the boy’s entry into the path toward manhood, involving community, symbolic acts, and gifts.
- Artifacts and Rituals: Fathers are encouraged to give their sons physical artifacts (journals, pens, footlockers) and establish regular rituals (morning meetings, man nights).
- Ceremony of Blessing: The journey concludes with a public or private ceremony where the father and community affirm and bless the son as a man.
8. What are the six key roles or archetypes of manhood Jon Tyson teaches in "The Intentional Father"?
- Disciple: Learning to follow Jesus, understand faith, and practice spiritual disciplines.
- Lover: Understanding and honoring women, sexuality, and relationships with respect and integrity.
- Leader: Accepting responsibility, rejecting passivity, and developing leadership skills.
- Warrior: Channeling masculine energy into a cause, developing mental and physical toughness, and fighting for justice.
- Brother: Building community, learning friendship, forgiveness, and how to be a supportive peer.
- Wise Man: Pursuing wisdom, managing time and money, and making sound life decisions.
9. How does Jon Tyson address the importance of values in "The Intentional Father"?
- Three Types of Values: Tyson emphasizes family values (what makes your family unique), personal values (formed through life’s highs and lows), and masculine values (wisdom, self-control, courage, justice).
- Codifying Values: Fathers are encouraged to clarify, write down, and regularly reinforce these values through conversation, rituals, and modeling.
- Passing on Values: The book provides exercises for discussing and embodying values, ensuring sons internalize them rather than absorbing only cultural norms.
- Values in Action: Tyson stresses that values should be lived out and celebrated, not just stated, and that they form the foundation for navigating life’s complexities.
10. What practical exercises and intentional steps does "The Intentional Father" by Jon Tyson provide for fathers?
- Vision and Planning: Exercises include envisioning the day your son leaves home, creating an asset map, and forming a cohort of intentional fathers.
- Story and Legacy: Fathers are guided to write tribute letters to their own fathers, map their life’s mountains and valleys, and take their sons on a "story context trip" to share family history.
- Marking Moments: The book offers checklists and ideas for marking key moments (first phone, first shave, first job, etc.) and making them memorable.
- Self-Discovery Tools: Tyson recommends a series of personality, strengths, and spiritual gifts assessments to help sons understand themselves and their calling.
11. How does "The Intentional Father" by Jon Tyson address healing from past wounds and family history?
- Acknowledging Brokenness: Tyson encourages fathers to reflect on their own upbringing, recognize wounds, and understand how unhealed pain can be transmitted to their children.
- Honoring Fathers: The book suggests writing a tribute letter to one’s own father, whether to express gratitude or forgiveness, as a step toward healing.
- Mountains and Valleys Exercise: Fathers are guided to map out the high and low points of their lives, extract lessons, and consciously choose what to pass on or transform for the next generation.
- Breaking the Cycle: By dealing with their own pain, fathers can intentionally pass on blessing and healing rather than repeating cycles of brokenness.
12. What are the most impactful quotes from "The Intentional Father" by Jon Tyson and what do they mean?
- "Any fool can have a child. That doesn’t make you a father. It’s the courage to raise a child that makes you a father." – Barack Obama: Highlights the difference between biological fatherhood and the intentional, courageous act of raising a child.
- "It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." – Frederick Douglass: Emphasizes the importance of proactive, formative parenting over trying to fix problems later in life.
- "If we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it." – Richard Rohr: Stresses the necessity of healing personal wounds to avoid passing them on to the next generation.
- "Confidence comes from competence." – Jon Tyson: Underlines the book’s focus on equipping sons with real skills and knowledge, not just moral platitudes.
- "Blessing is the projection of good into the life of another." – Dallas Willard: Captures the heart of the book’s final ceremony, where fathers intentionally speak blessing and affirmation over their sons as they enter adulthood.
Review Summary
The Intentional Father receives mostly positive reviews, praised for its practical guidance on raising sons intentionally. Readers appreciate Tyson's personal experiences and concrete ideas, though some find it idealistic or impractical. The book's focus on creating a pathway to manhood resonates with many fathers. Critics note a lack of biblical foundation and overemphasis on personal success. Overall, it's seen as a valuable resource for fathers seeking to guide their sons, despite some limitations in applicability and theological depth.
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