The Intentional Father

1. The Urgent Need for Intentional Fathers

“Do you know what’s really killing our young people today?” The answer is self-initiation.

Crisis of fatherlessness. Society faces a crisis in raising boys into men of character and consequence. Barna research highlights significant obstacles young men face, from digital distractions like video games and porn to a lack of good role models and disruptions in finding vocation. Churches often aren't effectively helping fathers navigate these challenges.

Consequences of absence. The absence of involved, emotionally healthy fathers has devastating impacts. Children without fathers are significantly more likely to face poverty, emotional/behavioral problems, aggression, infant mortality risk, incarceration, and early sexual activity. This epidemic of fatherlessness contributes to confusion about manhood and broken relationships between fathers and sons.

Intentionality is key. While many fathers feel overwhelmed and ill-equipped, determination is crucial. Becoming an intentional father means deeply investing in understanding your children, helping them reach their potential, and seeing parenting as a central calling. This commitment is vital for confronting brokenness and leaving a powerful, multigenerational legacy of blessing.

2. Prepare for the Day Your Son Leaves Home

Your son is going to walk out into the world one day. What will he take with him?

Vision and planning. Most fathers desire to send their sons into the world prepared but lack a strategic plan. This leads to anxiety and reliance on chance. Instead, visualize the day your son leaves home and work backward, intentionally planning what wisdom, character, skills, and experiences you want him to carry.

Four key questions. To build this plan, consider:

• What do you want him to know (about God, himself, life)?
• Who do you want him to be (character)?
• What skills do you want him to have (practical abilities)?
• What formational experiences do you want him to have?

Don't leave to chance. If you don't intentionally disciple your son, the world will. Take responsibility to personally impart key things he needs. Leverage your community and resources (an "asset map") to provide experiences and connections beyond what you can offer alone. Consider forming a cohort with other dads raising sons the same age for mutual support and shared experiences.

3. Heal Your Past, Honor Your Father

If we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it.

Inherited brokenness. Many fathers struggle to impart what their sons need because they themselves were not properly guided into manhood. Like Sherman in The Bonfire of the Vanities, we realize our fathers were once boys who adopted the "father" role without a clear map, often passing on their own wounds.

Making peace is vital. All relationships with fathers are complicated. To avoid transmitting your pain to your son, you must make peace with your own father, whether present or absent. This might involve writing a tribute letter acknowledging what he got right or a letter of forgiveness for what he got wrong. This act of processing your past is crucial for a clean heart.

Learn from your story. Use the "mountains and valleys" exercise to identify the most beautiful and broken moments of your life. Reflect on what happened, what you felt, how you responded, how it shaped you, and what you learned. These lessons become tangible, cautionary, or celebratory tales you can share, transforming your experiences into a legacy of healing rather than pain for your son.

4. Mark the Transition with Ceremony

Without clear markers on the journey to manhood, males have a difficult time making the transition and can drift along indefinitely.

Initiation is crucial. Cultures historically used definitive rites of passage to usher boys into manhood, recognizing a shift happens around age thirteen. Modern Western culture lacks these markers, leading to self-initiation through risky behaviors or extended adolescence. An intentional father must create a clear break from childhood.

The severing dinner. Begin with a "directional dinner" led by the mother. She acknowledges his journey, shares important memories, prays a blessing, and explicitly directs his energy and attention toward his father and the community of men for the next season of formation. This is a powerful moment of release and redirection.

Symbolic initiation. Follow the dinner with a physical, memorable initiation ceremony. This could involve:

• Gathering a community of supportive men.
• Casting a vision for manhood and the journey ahead.
• A symbolic act (like running into cold water) representing a break from the past.
• Laying on of hands, blessing, and praying over the son.
• Giving meaningful artifacts (journal, pen, footlocker) as icons for the journey.

5. Impart Core Values for Navigation

Here is the manliness of manhood, that a man has a good reason for what he does and has a will in doing it.

Values provide direction. Without clearly defined values, men are easily swayed by cultural trends and compromise. Imparting family, personal, and foundational masculine values provides a compass for navigating life's complexities with confidence and clarity. Ask your son what he perceives your family values to be as a starting point.

Personal values from experience. Your most important personal values are often forged in your life's mountains and valleys. Identify what matters most to you (e.g., vision, passion, discipline, risk) and intentionally model and teach these to your son. If you don't impart your values, the culture will impart its own.

Foundational masculine values. Focus on cultivating cardinal virtues rooted in Scripture and embodied by Jesus:

• Wisdom: Observing, paying attention, seeking truth.
• Self-Control: Restraint, discipline, not using power for indulgence.
• Courage: Speaking up, taking action, not being passive.
• Justice: Advocating for the oppressed, defending the needy, confronting hypocrisy.
  Codify these values, model them, call them out in your son, and celebrate his growth in these areas.

6. Guide the Five Shifts from Boyhood to Manhood

Manhood is the defeat of childhood narcissism.

Moving beyond adolescence. Formation happens daily, either moving sons toward adulthood or trapping them in extended adolescence ("man-agers"). Paul calls us to put away childish ways (1 Cor 13:11). This requires intentional guidance through key developmental shifts, contrasting boyish tendencies with mature masculine traits.

Rohr's rules, Tyson's shifts. Based on Richard Rohr's five rules of manhood (Life is hard, You are not important, Your life is not about you, You are not in control, You are going to die), reframe them as positive shifts:

• Ease to Difficulty
• Self to Others
• Whole Story to Part of the Story
• Control to Surrender
• Temporary to Eternal

Facilitating the shifts. Dedicate time (e.g., months per shift) to explore these concepts through Bible study, biographies, movies, and discussions. Design experiences and challenges that physically or emotionally demonstrate the value and rewards of each shift. Examples include challenging physical activities, serving others, exposure to different cultures/perspectives, facing loss, or reflecting on mortality. These shifts help sons become more like Jesus, who embodied these transitions.

7. Cultivate Competence: Be Good at Being a Man

Confidence comes from competence.

Beyond generic goodness. Young men aren't inspired by a vague idea of being a "good man." They desire to be good at being a man, possessing the skills and competence to navigate life effectively. A lack of competence leads to insecurity, manifesting as anger, fear, apathy, or self-centeredness.

Skill acquisition process. Discipleship involves transferring tangible skills, not just giving pep talks. Use Dave Ferguson's framework:

1. I do, you watch, we talk.
2. I do, you help, we talk.
3. You do, I help, we talk.
4. You do, I watch, we talk.
5. You do, someone else watches.

Practical application. Apply this process to various skills, from hosting conversations to changing a tire or managing money. This step-by-step approach builds confidence by demonstrating that competence is learned, not just innate. It transforms feelings of being overwhelmed into a sense of capability.

8. Master Key Roles of Manhood

A man accepts responsibility, rejects passivity, leads courageously, and lives for the greater reward.

Discipleship over efficiency. Raising a son is about heart development and discipleship, not efficiency. If fathers don't teach their sons key life roles, the world will, often with harmful results (e.g., porn teaching about women, loneliness replacing brotherhood).

Six essential roles. Guide your son in mastering these archetypal roles:

• Disciple: Understanding God, the gospel, the biblical story, and how to walk with Jesus (e.g., through Bible study, spiritual disciplines, baptism).
• Lover: Honoring and respecting women, understanding healthy relationships, navigating sexuality and its temptations (porn, objectification), and preparing for commitment.
• Leader: Accepting responsibility, rejecting passivity, leading courageously, and living for a greater reward (using resources for others).
• Warrior: Having a cause, fighting for truth and justice, developing mental and physical toughness (e.g., through martial arts, physical training).
• Brother: Building healthy male friendships, practicing forgiveness, confrontation, and encouragement, combating loneliness.
• Wise Man: Stewarding time and money, learning from Proverbs, discerning foolishness from wisdom.

Leverage your tribe. You don't have to teach all of this alone. Identify men in your community who embody these roles well and invite them to mentor your son, providing diverse perspectives and examples.

9. Facilitate Self-Discovery and Identity

Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery it is.

Identity confusion. Young men often struggle with identity, a topic less explored in male contexts than female ones. Helping your son understand who God made him to be is crucial for eliminating confusion and building confidence.

Tools for insight. Utilize various personality and skills assessments to provide your son with objective language and frameworks for understanding himself:

• Enneagram: Motivations, fears, behavior under stress/health.
• StrengthsFinder: Identifying natural talents and areas for focus.
• Spiritual Gifts Assessments (including APEST): Understanding how God wired him to serve in the church.
• Myers-Briggs: Introversion/extroversion, thinking/intuition, helpful for vocational awareness and relating to others.
• Birkman Test: Comprehensive vocational discernment from a Christian perspective, aligning design with calling.

Honoring preferences. As your son explores his identity, honor his preferences and conclusions, even if they differ from yours. Incorporate his interests into experiences and affirmations. This process helps him embrace his God-given design and move forward with intentionality, rather than trying to be someone he's not.

10. Understand and Navigate the Arc of Life

There is a time in the life of every boy when he for the first time takes the backward view of life. Perhaps that is the moment when he crosses the line into manhood.

Beyond the immediate. Our culture emphasizes the "now," leading many to drift through life's seasons without intentionality or understanding. Helping your son see the big-picture arc of life prepares him to navigate each stage's unique temptations and joys, minimizing regret and maximizing purpose.

Seasons of life. Outline the general focus and challenges of different decades:

• High School: Exposure, exploration, firsts.
• College: Learning, gaining clarity.
• Twenties: Growing, intense personal development.
• Thirties: Editing, focusing on cause.
• Forties: Mastering, combining energy and idealism.
• Fifties: Harvesting, reaping results.
• Sixties: Guiding, investing in younger generations.
• Seventies: Imparting, pouring out legacy.
• Eighties: Savoring.
• Nineties: Preparing for the finish line.

Arc-of-life interviews. Arrange for your son to meet with wise individuals in each of these life stages. Help him prepare questions about their joys, temptations, lessons, and regrets. These conversations provide invaluable perspective, modeling different ways to live well and offering warnings and encouragement based on lived experience. This introduces him to "leaders... who spoke the word of God... Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith" (Hebrews 13:7).

11. The Transformative Power of a Gap Year

The real risk is not changing. I have to feel that I’m after something. It’s the striving, man, it’s that I want.

Liminal space for growth. The transition from high school to college is a critical time. A gap year provides a vital liminal space—a period removed from normal routine—for young men to mature emotionally, process what they've learned, encounter different cultures (especially the poor), and gain perspective before entering the next stage. It combats entitlement and the pressure of the "winner script."

Pilgrimage and exposure. Encourage a gap year that involves travel and exposure to the world beyond their comfort zone. Programs like World Race or Adventures in Missions offer structured opportunities for global travel, service, and spiritual formation. The fundraising process itself can be a powerful lesson in the generosity of the community.

Father-son journey. Conclude the gap year with a significant father-son pilgrimage (like hiking the Camino de Santiago). This physical journey symbolizes the path they've walked together. Use this time for deep discussion, processing the gap year experiences, and reviewing the lessons learned throughout the entire intentional fatherhood journey. Make it unreasonable, memorable, and a capstone experience.

12. Conclude the Journey with Blessing

If a son does not receive blessing from his father, he will spend the rest of his life trying to earn that blessing.

The need for blessing. Humans are created for blessing (Genesis 1:28) and desperately need it. Without a father's explicit blessing, a son may spend his life striving for validation through achievement, relationships, or power, like Jacob chasing his father's blessing. Receiving blessing frees him to operate from it, not for it.

A ceremony of welcome. Mark the end of this intentional journey with a formal ceremony welcoming your son into the community of men. Gather friends and family who have supported him. Share words of affirmation, celebrate his growth, and acknowledge the significance of the path he has walked.

The father's blessing. The core of the ceremony is your personal blessing. Speak words of pride, affirmation, and release over him. This moment should be unmistakable, cementing his identity and healing potential wounds. Like Jesus blessing his disciples before ascending (Luke 24:50-53), send your son out into the world with your clear, powerful blessing, empowering him to live from a place of security and purpose.

Last updated: May 3, 2025