Uninvited

1. Honesty Heals Rejection's Deepest Wounds

Honesty isn’t trying to hurt me. It’s trying to heal me.

Facing the Raw Truth. The book emphasizes the importance of honesty in confronting the pain of rejection. It suggests that while it's easier to construct a palatable life story, true healing comes from facing the raw truth about our experiences and vulnerabilities. This honesty involves acknowledging the misalignments within our souls, caused by the sting of rejection.

Rejection's Stealth Bombs. Rejections, whether big or subtle, can act as "stealth bombs" that target our core, reactivating past hurts and insecurities. These experiences can trigger voices of doubt and insecurity, making it crucial to address the underlying wounds. The author shares a personal anecdote about an airport encounter where negative self-talk revealed a deeper pattern of self-rejection.

Self-Rejection's Poison. Self-rejection paves the way for the rejection of others, amplifying the pain when others voice vulnerabilities we've already berated ourselves for. This creates a cycle of suspicion, doubt, and hesitancy, hindering present relationships. The book advocates for breaking this cycle by recognizing that rejection is a message sent to the core of who we are, causing us to believe lies about ourselves, others, and God.

2. Anchor Your Identity in God's Unchanging Truth

The beliefs we hold should hold us up even when life feels like it’s falling apart.

Broken Boards and Fragile Props. The author uses the analogy of broken boards in a house to illustrate the instability of relying on a broken identity. She recounts her childhood experience of hiding in a ditch to escape the unpredictability at home, highlighting the core fears of abandonment and loss of identity that feed sensitivity to rejection.

Tearing Out the Old, Putting in the New. The book stresses the need to replace old, broken beliefs with a new way of defining our identity based on God's truth. This involves anchoring our identity to the truth of who God is and who He is to us, rather than tying it to circumstances that are unpredictable and ever-changing. The author introduces the concept of an "intimacy-based identity," which starts with answering three core questions: Is God good? Is God good to me? Do I trust God to be God?

Living the Truth. The book emphasizes that the closer we align our truth with His truth, the more closely we identify with God—and the more our identity really is in Him. The author encourages readers to wrestle with these questions using truth, stating that this will help them sense those new, more stable boards holding them up. This involves a daily surrender to God, declaring, "I am loved. I am held. I am Yours. I am forever Yours."

3. Live Loved: An Abundant Place, Not a Begging Bowl

Live from the abundant place that you are loved, and you won’t find yourself begging others for scraps of love.

The "Live Loved" Quest. The author challenges the reader to live from a place of being loved, rather than begging others for scraps of love. She embarks on a "live loved" quest, determined to achieve emotional stability and resist the downward spiral of wonky feelings and assumptions. This involves recognizing that negative self-talk is a rejection from the past that has settled into the core of who we are.

Beyond Performance-Based Endeavors. The book emphasizes that living loved is not a performance-based endeavor, but rather a daily surrender to the One who made us. It involves recognizing that giving with strings of secret expectations attached is the greatest invitation to heartbreak. The author uses the analogy of a ballerina to illustrate that true elegance and softness come from disciplined grit and daily practice, not from seeking applause.

Returning to the Instructor. The gravity of living in a sin-soaked world will always try to hold us back from living loved. But if we will remember to return often to our Instructor, we will discover His loving hands still pulse to continue making us. This involves reconnecting with the One who knows how to breathe life and love back into depleted and dead places, and remembering that the first part of our calling is to be with Him.

4. Connectivity Requires Fullness, Not Proximity

Proximity and activity don’t always equal connectivity.

Alone in a Crowded Room. The author describes the painful experience of being alone in a crowded room, highlighting the feeling of isolation despite being surrounded by people. She emphasizes that proximity and activity don't always equal connectivity, and that it's possible to rub shoulders with lots of people but feel utterly alone.

Soul Oxygen. The book stresses that we can't expect any other person to be our soul oxygen, and that no person is equipped to be the constant lifeline to another. We must respect ourselves enough to break the pattern of placing unrealistic expectations on others. The author challenges readers to consider whether they walk into situations prepared with the fullness of God in them, free to look for ways to bless others, or empty and dependent on others to look for ways to bless them.

Graspers vs. Grabbers. The book emphasizes that to satisfy our longing for acceptance, we will either be graspers of God's love or grabbers for people's love. If we grasp the full love of Christ, we won't grab at other things to fill us. The author encourages readers to tell their minds to live loved, and then tell their flesh no, recognizing that the more we fill ourselves from His life-giving love, the less we will be dictated by the grabby-ness of the flesh.

5. Trust Issues: Releasing Fear, Embracing Faith

What we see will violate what we know unless what we know dictates what we see.

Hesitancy and Resistance. The author acknowledges the tendency to live life hesitantly, craving predictability and cringing when things don't make sense. She shares a personal anecdote about resisting an invitation to a mountain retreat due to past hurts, illustrating how being resistant can easily turn into being rebellious against divine opportunities.

Leaping Toward God. The book emphasizes the importance of learning how to tremble well at the crossroads of trust, and of leaping toward God despite uncertainties. The author recounts her experience on a ropes course, where she had to overcome her fear and jump from a platform, trusting that the ropes would hold her.

David's Psalm of Trust. The book draws on David's Psalm 23 to illustrate the assurance that comes from trusting in God's goodness and love. It emphasizes that the peace of our souls is tethered to all that God is, and that though we can't predict His specific plans, the fact that God will work everything together for good is a completely predictable promise. The author encourages readers to embrace the certainty of God's love and goodness, and to let go of the need to fully understand each thing that happens.

6. Friendship Breakups: Fighting For, Not Against

People who care more about being right than ending right prove just how wrong they were all along.

The Fragile Nature of Friendship. The author acknowledges the pain of friendship breakups, describing the experience of deleting a contact after a relationship has soured. She emphasizes the need to give the heart time to heal, and to resist the temptation to fight back or present a one-sided view of the situation.

Fighting For, Not Against. The book introduces the concept of "fighting for" a friend, rather than fighting against them. This involves recognizing that our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. The author encourages readers to list positive things about their friend, and to picture these statements wounding the Devil.

Honoring God. The book emphasizes that the goal is to stay right in step with honoring God, even in the midst of a broken relationship. This involves being obedient to God, trusting and believing Him, and letting Him boss around our contrary feelings. The author encourages readers to speak with honor in the midst of being dishonored, with peace in the midst of being threatened, and of good things in the midst of a bad situation.

7. When Normal Gets Snatched, Choose Grace

I can’t continue to fully embrace God while rejecting His ways.

The Loss of What Was and What Would Be. The author reflects on the pain of having "normal" snatched away, describing the feeling of life splitting open and leaving us scared, fragile, and more vulnerable than ever. She shares personal anecdotes of heartbreak and loss, emphasizing the reality that sometimes things taken stay gone.

The Antidote for Bitter Rot. The book introduces the concept of grace as the only antidote for bitter rot, and encourages readers to choose grace over malice. This involves recognizing that the needed justice is sweet to the tongue and satisfying to the palate, but that only a pure heart with space for grace can reveal the beautiful reality of a Jesus-loving woman.

Abigail's Example. The book draws on the story of Abigail in 1 Samuel 25 to illustrate the power of grace in the face of rejection. Abigail, despite being married to a fool and facing the threat of violence from David, chooses to approach him with humility and grace, ultimately saving her family and servants. The author emphasizes that Abigail's giving grace doesn't justify her husband or validate David, but it saves her.

8. The Corrective Experience: Rewriting Rejection's Lies

The mind feasts on what it focuses on. What consumes my thinking will be the making or the breaking of my identity.

From "You Should" to "Me Too." The author emphasizes the importance of starting from a "me too" place, rather than from a "you should" or "you could" place, when having difficult conversations. This involves acknowledging the other person's feelings and identifying with them, rather than preaching at them or positioning ourselves as the expert.

The Need for Belonging. The book stresses the importance of communicating "you do belong," as well as "me too," in order to create a sense of acceptance and prevent past rejections from turning into present-day infections. The author draws on the story of David and Abigail to illustrate how Abigail reinstated a feeling of belonging in David, counteracting the rejection he had experienced from Nabal and his own father.

Abigail's Grace-Filled Words. The book highlights Abigail's grace-filled words as a "corrective experience" that rewrote the lies that had wounded David so deeply. This involved speaking truth in the tone of grace, and calling forth the truth of his identity rather than focusing on his actions in the moment. The author encourages readers to use their past rejection experiences to sense the possible pain behind other people's reactions, and to be agents of grace in their lives.

9. Rejection Hurts, But It Doesn't Have to Define You

Rejection isn’t just an emotional feeling. It’s a message that alters what you believe about yourself.

The Physicality of Emotional Pain. The author acknowledges the intense pain of rejection, noting that it piggybacks on physical pain pathways in the brain. She shares a personal anecdote about being rejected from a conference, and the subsequent feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt that it triggered.

Shifting Your Thinking. The book emphasizes the need to shift our thinking in the face of rejection, and to stop the runaway thinking with truth. This involves recognizing that God is always at work, even when it seems otherwise, and that sometimes when we feel rejected and passed over for someone else, He is doing something entirely beyond what we were thinking.

The Gifts of Humility. The book identifies three gifts of humility that can be found in rejection: the gift of being made less, the gift of being lonely, and the gift of silence. These gifts can lead to wisdom, compassion, and a deeper connection with God. The author encourages readers to embrace these gifts and to remember that in light of God's deep affection, we no longer have to live in fear of rejection.

10. Her Success Does Not Threaten Mine

The most beautiful love story ever written is the one you were made to live with God.

Scarcity vs. Abundance. The author contrasts scarcity thinking with abundance thinking, noting that scarcity thinking leads to the belief that someone else's success is a threat to our own. She draws on the creation story in Genesis to illustrate God's abundant provision, and challenges readers to reject the scarcity mentality that Pharaoh introduced into the world.

Starving Scarcity Thinking. The book encourages readers to starve their scarcity thinking by asking God to bless others, to help others succeed, and to send more people into ministry. This involves recognizing that we are all on the same team, and that we should give others our knowledge and contacts.

Living Loved. The author emphasizes that when we can authentically say, "Her success does not threaten mine," we are finally getting somewhere. This involves remembering that God's love isn't based on us, but simply placed on us, and that it's the place from which we should live...loved.

11. The Enemy's Plan: Know the Prowl, Resist the Roar

Rejection steals the best of who I am by reinforcing the worst of what’s been said to me.

The Roaring Lion. The author uses the metaphor of a roaring lion to describe the Devil, who prowls around looking for someone to devour. She emphasizes that the Devil is vicious, but not victorious, and that we have everything we need to defeat him.

The Devil's Three-Pronged Attack. The book identifies the three ways the Devil comes after us: the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes, and the boasting of what he has and does. These temptations can lead us to fill our emptiness with temporary physical pleasures, to become laser-focused on what others have, and to seek validation through social media.

Jesus' Promises. The book draws on Jesus' response to the Devil's temptations in Matthew 4 to illustrate the way of escape. This involves matching every feeling of emptiness, deprivation, and rejection with truths straight from God's Word. The author encourages readers to remember the promises of God, and to tap into the power of God.

12. Miracles in the Mess: Inviting God into the In-Between

The more fully we invite God in, the less we will feel uninvited by others.

Messy Realities and Miraculous Moments. The author reflects on the fact that Jesus often performed miracles in the midst of messy realities, and encourages readers not to get so consumed by the mess that they miss the miracle. She draws on the story of Jesus walking on water to illustrate how the disciples missed the miracle because their hearts were hardened.

Access Without Application. The book emphasizes that inspiration and information without personal application will never amount to transformation. It challenges readers to ask themselves whether they have sought out God's truth regarding their situation, applied that truth without compromise, and owned that truth as a personal revelation from God.

The Fullness of God. The author encourages readers to invite God into their pain, and to trust that He will lead them to a new place of victory. This involves remembering that the Lord draws near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit, and that even in the midst of rejection, there is a miracle to be found.

Last updated: March 14, 2025