What Women Want When They Test Men

1. Women Subconsciously Test Men for Leadership and Love

The main difference lies in how these men think and respond to a strange and sometimes misunderstood aspect of a woman’s behavior: the subconscious need to test a man to determine his capability to lead and capacity to love her.

Survival mechanism. Women test men to assess their ability to provide security and leadership. This behavior is often subconscious, stemming from an innate desire to ensure the well-being of herself and potential offspring. A man's reaction to these tests reveals his true character and potential as a partner.

Two key desires. Women seek both leadership and love from men. These desires are intertwined, and a man who excels in one area but lacks in the other will ultimately fall short. A woman may challenge a passive man to assert himself or create drama to draw out his compassionate side.

Three men example. The book introduces three men: Richard, Mark, and David. Richard avoids commitment, Mark is a pushover, and David is a confident leader. David's wife is "mad about him" because he confidently weathers her storms and stands his ground, demonstrating both leadership and love.

2. Failing Tests Erodes Respect, Attraction, and Intimacy

Repeatedly failing a woman’s congruence tests results in her losing respect for you; this inevitably causes a loss in her attraction to you.

Domino effect. Consistently failing a woman's tests has a cascading effect, leading to a decline in respect, attraction, and intimacy. As a man fails these tests, a woman begins to withhold her respect, support, and physical affection, leading him to feel unloved and disrespected.

Bitterness and indifference. Over time, repeated failures can lead to feelings of anger, frustration, bitterness, and resentment in the man. Eventually, he may become indifferent towards the woman, signaling the end of the relationship.

Two types of tests. Congruence tests assess a man's authenticity and boundaries, while commitment tests seek reassurance of his emotional investment. Failing either type of test can have detrimental consequences for the relationship.

3. Congruence Tests Gauge Authenticity and Boundaries

A congruence test is any kind of conscious or subconscious behavior a woman exhibits while interacting with a man in order to discover if his external representation is consistent with his inner frame.

Authenticity check. Congruence tests are designed to determine if a man's outward persona aligns with his inner self. These tests can be verbal or non-verbal, ranging from playful teasing to outright insults.

Compliance tests. A subset of congruence tests, compliance tests assess a man's willingness to prioritize a woman's needs and wants over his own. These tests often involve manipulative requests or ultimatums.

Confidence is key. Men who lack confidence or have weak personal boundaries struggle with congruence tests. The most effective solution is to become more congruent with one's actions and beliefs, demonstrating genuine self-worth.

4. Commitment Tests Seek Reassurance of Emotional Investment

Whereas congruence tests of various kinds must be overcome with overt to subtle displays of masculine assertiveness, commitment tests must be overcome with overt to subtle displays of emotional interest.

Loyalty check. Commitment tests are used to gauge a man's level of emotional investment and loyalty. These tests often arise when a woman feels that her position in a man's life is threatened.

Balance is crucial. Overcoming commitment tests requires balancing displays of firm leadership with demonstrations of unconditional love. Acting indifferent or stubborn will only exacerbate a woman's insecurities.

Active listening. The key to passing commitment tests is to actively listen to a woman's concerns and address her underlying needs. This involves showing empathy, providing reassurance, and making sacrifices when necessary.

5. Communicate Assertively, Not Aggressively or Passively

Women want men who are in control of themselves but not controlling of others.

Grace under pressure. Women are attracted to men who can remain calm, confident, and decisive in the face of conflict. This requires maintaining one's frame, or set of self-beliefs, and responding from a position of strength.

Call out negative behavior. Have the courage to call out a woman's negative or unattractive behaviors, such as disrespectfulness, rudeness, or manipulation. This demonstrates that you have standards and are not afraid to enforce them.

Reframe displeasure. Communicate your dissatisfaction in a way that benefits both you and the woman. This involves reframing the situation to highlight the positive aspects and avoid coming across as a jerk.

6. Be a Man of Integrity, Not a People-Pleaser

Living in fear of displeasing a woman turns a man into a dishonest liar, a fraud, and a charlatan.

Honesty is paramount. A strong, masculine man is assertive, confident, and calm under pressure. He doesn't deviate from his principles to supplicate a woman. He follows through with the truth, no matter the consequences.

Stick to your guns. Be willing to stand by your decisions, even if they are unpopular with the woman in your life. This demonstrates that you have your own values and are not easily swayed by her opinions.

Seek advice, not approval. It's important to seek a woman's advice and counsel, but never seek her approval. A man without principles stands for nothing.

7. Embrace Vulnerability While Maintaining Leadership

Being a man of strength is more about being honest with yourself and others and less about trying to prove that you’re a strong guy with superior emotional fortitude.

Authenticity is attractive. Don't be afraid to show vulnerability and honesty, as it can create deeper connections with women. However, it's important to maintain leadership and not become overly reliant on a woman for emotional support.

Acknowledge your threshold. A man's true strength lies in knowing his limits and being honest about what he's willing to tolerate. This allows him to set boundaries and protect his well-being.

Lead through vulnerability. Even when seeking support or comfort, maintain a frame of leadership. This involves approaching the woman with a clear understanding of your needs and a willingness to take charge.

8. Single Men: Set Boundaries Early to Gauge Interest

The more a woman is interested or invested in you the more she will test you.

Filter out unsuitable women. Setting boundaries early in the dating process helps to filter out women who are not compatible with your values and expectations. This saves time and energy in the long run.

Gauge her level of desire. A woman's willingness to respect your boundaries is a strong indicator of her level of interest. If she consistently pushes against your limits, it may be a sign that she's not genuinely interested.

Be willing to walk away. Have the courage to walk away from situations that don't align with your needs and values. This demonstrates self-respect and attracts women who value your strength and independence.

9. Know Your Threshold and Be Willing to Walk Away

From the moment you step out into the world, you’re being tested; even more so as a man.

Embrace rejection and conflict. Develop the ability to remain unmoved by life's challenges, including rejection and conflict. This will make you an unmovable rock that a woman can trust.

Don't be afraid to be honest. Be honest about your limits and what you're willing to tolerate. This will attract people who respect your boundaries and create healthier relationships.

Walk away from disrespect. Be willing to walk away from situations where you're being disrespected or taken advantage of. This demonstrates self-worth and sends a clear message that you won't tolerate mistreatment.

10. Leave Her Better Than You Found Her

Some women simply need to realize that her man’s standards are just as important as her own.

Call out negative behavior. Before ending a relationship, take the time to call out a woman's negative behaviors and explain how they're affecting the relationship. This gives her an opportunity to change and improve.

Be honest and direct. Express your concerns in a clear and direct manner, avoiding passive-aggressive behavior or sugarcoating the truth. This will help her understand the impact of her actions.

Give her a chance to grow. By providing constructive criticism, you're giving her the opportunity to grow and become a better person. Even if the relationship doesn't work out, you'll have left her in a better place than you found her.

Last updated: March 21, 2025