The Good News About Bad Behavior

1. The Crisis of Self-Regulation: Today's Children Face Unprecedented Challenges

Simply put, we face a crisis of self-regulation.

Modern challenges. Today's children struggle with self-control more than previous generations due to several factors:

• Increased screen time and digital stimulation
• Decreased unstructured play and outdoor time
• Academic pressure starting at younger ages
• Changes in family structure and parental work patterns

Impact on mental health. These challenges have led to:

• Rising rates of anxiety, depression, and behavioral disorders
• Difficulty in managing emotions and impulses
• Struggles with attention and focus in academic settings

The traditional methods of discipline, such as punishment and rewards, are no longer effective in addressing these issues. A new approach is needed to help children develop the skills necessary for self-regulation in today's world.

2. Connection: The Foundation of Effective Discipline

Connection can transform a fierce conflict—like the stand-off between Maddie and me on that New York City sidewalk—or a child's meltdown.

Building relationships. Strong connections between parents and children are crucial for effective discipline:

• Regular one-on-one time without distractions
• Physical touch and affection
• Verbal encouragement and specific appreciation

Empathy as a tool. Empathetic responses help children:

• Feel understood and supported
• Develop emotional intelligence
• Learn to self-regulate during stressful situations

Research shows that connection and empathy physically change children's brains, strengthening neural pathways for self-regulation. By prioritizing connection, parents create a foundation of trust and understanding that makes discipline more effective and less confrontational.

3. Communication: The Key to Understanding and Solving Behavioral Issues

Childish misbehavior isn't an emergency situation or a sign of something gone wrong, but simply a natural part of growing up.

Active listening. Effective communication involves:

• Asking open-ended questions
• Reflecting and validating feelings
• Avoiding assumptions about the child's motivations

Problem-solving together. Instead of imposing solutions, parents should:

• Involve children in identifying problems
• Brainstorm potential solutions collaboratively
• Agree on a plan of action together

This approach, exemplified by Ross Greene's Collaborative & Proactive Solutions model, helps children develop critical thinking skills and take ownership of their behavior. It shifts the focus from punishment to understanding and addressing the underlying causes of misbehavior.

4. Capability Building: Empowering Children with Life Skills

Children will behave well if they can, Greene teaches.

Life skills development. Parents should focus on teaching:

• Emotional regulation techniques
• Executive function skills (planning, organization, time management)
• Practical household skills appropriate for their age

Gradual independence. Encourage children to:

• Take on age-appropriate responsibilities
• Make decisions and face consequences
• Learn from mistakes in a supportive environment

By viewing misbehavior as a skill deficit rather than willful disobedience, parents can focus on teaching the necessary skills. This approach, exemplified by programs like the PAX Good Behavior Game, builds children's confidence and competence over time.

5. Rethinking Discipline: From Punishment to Problem-Solving

Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse?

Moving beyond punishment. Traditional discipline methods often:

• Damage the parent-child relationship
• Fail to teach necessary skills
• Reinforce negative behavior patterns

Problem-solving approach. Effective discipline involves:

• Identifying the underlying causes of misbehavior
• Collaborating with children to find solutions
• Setting clear, consistent, and logical consequences

This shift requires parents to view discipline as a teaching opportunity rather than a means of control. By focusing on problem-solving, parents help children develop critical thinking skills and take responsibility for their actions.

6. The Apprenticeship Model: A New Approach to Parenting

The goal of parenting is to work yourself out of the job of parent—to steadily relinquish responsibility and control to your ever-more-capable children.

Key principles:

1. Connection: Building strong, empathetic relationships
2. Communication: Active listening and collaborative problem-solving
3. Capability: Teaching skills and fostering independence

Implementation stages:

• Early childhood: Focus on connection and basic skills
• School-age: Introduce problem-solving and increased responsibility
• Adolescence: Gradually transfer decision-making and accountability

The Apprenticeship Model views parenting as a process of guiding children towards independence, rather than controlling their behavior. It emphasizes long-term skill development over short-term compliance, preparing children for the challenges of adulthood.

7. Creating a Supportive Environment: The Role of Community and Mindfulness

We are the only parents our children have, so we must find the courage to be our best selves—and to forgive ourselves when we fall short.

Building community. Parents benefit from:

• Connecting with like-minded families
• Sharing experiences and strategies
• Creating supportive networks for children

Practicing mindfulness. Mindfulness helps parents:

• Manage their own emotions and stress
• Respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively
• Model self-regulation for their children

Creating a supportive environment extends beyond the immediate family. By cultivating community connections and practicing mindfulness, parents can better navigate the challenges of raising children in today's world.

8. Embracing Imperfection: The Journey of Parental Growth

Every day you have hundreds of interactions with your children. When one doesn't go the way you want, never fear. You will soon have a chance for a do-over.

Accepting imperfection. Parents should:

• Recognize that mistakes are part of the learning process
• Model taking responsibility and making amends
• Focus on progress rather than perfection

Continuous learning. Effective parenting involves:

• Staying open to new ideas and approaches
• Reflecting on successes and challenges
• Adapting strategies as children grow and change

The journey of parenting is one of continuous growth and learning. By embracing imperfection and maintaining a growth mindset, parents can create a positive, nurturing environment for their children while also developing their own skills and resilience.

Last updated: July 21, 2024